Page 9-THE NEWS-June/July. 1985
First Interfaith Support Group Meets With Much Success
By Adrienne J. Rosenberg, ACSW
Director, Jewish Social Services
As a result of the Charlotte
Jewish Federation’s Outreach
survey and the recommenda
tions of the Federation’s
Outreach committee, the first
support group for interfaith
couples was held March 19 -
April 23. The group was
cosponsored by Jewish Social
Services and the Jewish Com
munity Center; the co
facilitators were Adrienne
Rosenberg, Director of Jewish
Social Services and Pam
Crown, M. Ed., a Jewish part
ner in an interfaith marriage.
Limited to six couples, five
couples signed up for the first
group. The mandatory tele
phone screening to participate
in the group was conducted by
Adrienne Rosenberg and Mar
ty Schneer, JCC Director. Pur
pose of the screening was two
fold: to further explain the
purposes of the group to pro
spective members and to dis
courage anyone who needed
marital counseling rather than
a support team.
The group, at $15 per cou
ple, met for 1 Vz hour sessions
at an apartment complex
meeting room. This provided
privacy in a comfortable and
neutral setting, where no one
could feel there was bias at
wanting the non-Jewish part
ner to convert.
The first session began with
a mixer to introduce them
selves and to feel comfortable.
Then the rules of the group
were presented: confidentiality
- what was said in the group re
mained in the group; support -
we wanted to support what
people were expressing and
not try to change them; atten
dance - all members of the
group were expected to attend
each session. These rules were
accepted by the members and
were never broken.
The breakdown statistically
of their backgrounds was as
follows: three of the female
partners were Jewish; two of
the male partners were Jew
ish. Age range was from the
twenties to the late fifties.
Couples represented were as
follows: 1) Man raised Ortho
dox Jewish; woman, Metho
dist; three children, 11-18, be
ing raised Jewish; 2) Man rais
ed Baptist; woman, Jewish;
one preschool child being rais
ed Jewish; 3) Man raised
Catholic; woman, strong
Reform Jewish; no children
but planned to have a family
and leaned toward raising
children Jewish; 4) Man raised
traditional Jewish; woman,
Methodist; four children being
raised as Uniteirians; 5) Man,
a born-again Baptist; woman,
Jewish; second marriage for
both; both had children raised
in their respective faiths,
ironically enough, who had all
intermarried.
The group members listed
the following topics they
wanted to discuss during the
remaining sessions:
• Background differences
(in-laws and out-laws); the ex
tended family.
• Religiously growing
together; support within the
marriage for the “other”
partner.
• Rites of passage.
• Jewish community’s re
sponse and responsibility.
• Group’s plans for the
future in terms of contacts.
They also listed as their
mutual goals, that they
wanted to know they were not
alone (i.e., there were other in
terfaith couples; that they
wanted to share experiences
unique to themselves, and that
they wanted support and
friendship.)
The second session examin
ed the initial responses of the
members’ families and the ex
tended family network as it
presently existed. All types of
situations were represented
from the father who sat
“shiva” and has never seen his
grandchildren to the father
who has never attended any of
his grandchildren’s Bar Mitz-
vahs to parents who have been
most accepting and put no
pressure to conform religious
ly to all situations inbetween.
The difficulty of adapting to
Jewish custom eind ceremony
was described by many of the
non-Jewish partners. All
agreed they married for love,
assuming they would work
things out. However, the
pressures and reactions of
their own upbringing, the reac
tions of their relatives and the
emergence of children into the
partnership often caused
points of tension and
compromise.
A video tape was shown
which depicted an interfaith
couples group in Cincinnati.
All agreed they could see
themselves in the film and
discussions followed about
how it is to be an interfaith
couple.
During the third session,
one of the non-Jewish partners
expressed his discomfort at
the bias that the Jewish part
ner’s side seemed to be emerg
ing as dominant in the group.
This was examined, in light of
the fact this group was spon
sored by Jewish agencies and
in lieu of the customs and
ceremonies of Judaism which
did not appear present in most
of the other partner’s
backgrounds.
This helped to trigger off an
aw2ireness of the awkwardness
of the other partner’s discom
fort in synagogue or church.
Different members spoke of
their experiences as the
“awkward partner” and they
were handling this or not
handling this within the mar
riage. It should be noted that
during the session, there was
often hand-holding and eye
contact of partners, which
showed a desire to work
together and an awareness of
the feelings of the other
partner.
The raising of children
religiously and the decisions of
which holidays to celebrate
and how were examined. It
seemed to be the opinion of
everyone in the group that
children did need to have one
religion to provide moral and
ethical backgrounds. One cou
ple, who did not have children
yet, seemed to be asking the
others their experiences in
order to explore their future
plEins. Some of the couples had
both Christmas trees and
menorahs at Christmas/Chan-
ukah time. Some had both
seders and Easter dinners and
celebrations at
Passover/Easter. There were
variations on how holidays
were celebrated and how
children were involved in these
celebrations. Difficulties and
joys were expressed on these
topics.
The group cohesiveness in
creased with each session;
there was an exchange of
phone numbers for contact
outside the group. Although
the group was scheduled to be
an hour and a half, most
stayed after for informal
discussion.
The fourth session was the
most intense, probably
because it occurred right after
the weekend of Passover/
Easter. That the holidays
followed so closely, and that
the group members had been
(Cont’d on page 15)
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