Newspapers / Q-notes (Charlotte, N.C.) / March 1, 1987, edition 1 / Page 4
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PAGE 4 Q-Notes ■ March 1987 New York: The Good Life EDITOR’S NOTE: This is the second part of a family story. Mary and Bill, who live near Charlotte, have a gay son, Bobby, who lives in New York. He has AIDS. In this installment, they talk about Bobby's life in New York before AIDS, The names used are not theirs. By MASK DRUM Assistant Editor Somewhere deep inside us, we have a sense of the world we live in — the essence of where we fit and what is meaningful, of what is right and wrong, what we can and cannot tolerate. Bobby's story has taught me my most difficult and — ultimately — my most important lesson: There is a time and a place for everything, no matter how painful. AIDS will have a place in his tory — a place we cannot now compre hend. 1 hope that — through this story of Bobby and his family's anguish and love — you will take personal responsi bility for your life and the lives of friends. We owe this to future genera tions of gay people who deserve the chance to enrich the world with their talents — if they live long enough. Bobby came out to his parents at 15. After more than a year of anger, rebel lion and hostility, he moved at age 17 in with his sister Dot in New York City — a A Family Fights AIDS: Part 2 world he knew nothing about. For Mary and Bill — his parents — the nest emptied too soon and too com pletely, That same summer, their daugh ter Fran married and moved. Fran, they knew, was beginning what promised to be a happy life. Bobby — well, they could do nothing but watch him go and wish him well. Within weeks, he found friends in the affluent fashion and ..: aiiiiirr-V design world — a world of late nights, drinking and drugs. “Bobby ate it up," § f ^ Mary said. "In the pro cess, he nearly de stroyed his sister's mar riage. He stayed out all night, and Dot and her husband were DRUM scared to death for him." Bobby survived ... and thrived. In less than a month, he was working for an interior design company, had found an apartment and was on his own. He reveled in freedom. "We had such mixed feelings," Mary said. "We were joyful — happy not that he was out of our lives but that he (and the fighting) was out of our house. At the same time, we were scared to death." Mary and Bill ached that Bobby had not graduated from high school. "He was 17 going on 30," Bill said. "I doubt that his new friends really knew how old he was." "He was 30 academically," Mary said. "Emotionally, he was 17 going on 14. He handled things for about a year and then things got so bad with drugs and drinking that Dot finally called us and said, T think you had better do something because I think he is going to hurt himself physically if he doesn't get out of this mess.' "We called him. He was spaced out, but agreed to come home on his terms. He asked to go to (a hospital) psychiat ric unit for drug treatment. He gave us the impression that he used intravenous drugs. Bill met him at the airport. Ar rangements had been made at the hos pital." For the tiist time in oui long Partial List of jsMssmMm PERRON LUCIE BLUE TREMBLEY^ CASSELBERRY-DUPREE DUECE * SENSIBLE P.U.M.P.S. * REEL WORLD STRING BAND TRACY CHAPMAN THE WASHINGTON SISTERS * THE SCALLION SISTERS CAROL MACDONALD *TENDRE AND SPECIAL GUESTS "ATLANTA FEMINIST WOMEN’S CHORUS! ROBIN TYLER (in performance) JUDY CARTER LEA DELARIA * The “HER CHORUS" jrt DOS LESBOS SPEAKERS/AUTHORS JO ANN LOULAN (Lesbian Sex) NAN HUNTER (Director, A.C.L.U. National Lesbian/Gay Rights Project) SONIA JOHNSON (Going Out of Our Minds) JOYCE HUNTER, M. S. W. C. S. W. (Director, N. Y. City Institute for the Protection of Lesbian & Gay Youth) VIVIANE SHAPIRO (National Co- Chair, Human Rights Campaign Fund) DANCE EVERY NIGHT! memorial ^ DAY WEEKEND MAY22nd‘25th, 1987 200 beautiful wooded acres, private camp, cabins, large lake, tennis courts, in the N.E. GEORGIA MOUNTAINS (80 miles north of Atlanta) TICKETS — 350 cabin spaces available (showers & toilets in cabins). Cabins hold 1 2- 24 women (bunk beds) $115. Camping 4 days S95-$105 - sliding scale (if working PLEASE paytopof scale). Camping 3 days (Sat., Sun. & Mon.-very limited)$80-$90 sliding scale. Children 8 and under free; 9-1 6, $20 to help defray food costs. All children MUST be pre-registered for childcare by April 20th, U.S. currency only. NO PERSONAL CH ECKS after April 20th. Money order, certified check, cash only. For tickets, send self- addressed, legal size, stamped envelope to: SWMCF, 13514 Hart Street, Van Nuys, CA 91405 (818) 904-9495. ABOVE TICKET PRICES INCLUDE: 4 days & 3 nights of music, comedy, lectures, workshops, crafts show, raquetball, basketball, tennis, swimming, dance every night, hot showers, camping, food & FUN! Concerts interpreted for hearing impaired. Food and childcare provided. (NO OVER NIGHT childcare,'POTTY-TRAINED’only). Boys under 1 0 welcome.There will be some Woman-Only space. Craftswomen invited to display. No dogs permitted, except seeing eye or hearing impaired (must be registered). Festival ENDS Monday, 3 P.M. (please cut on doited line and send order form in only) TICKET ORDER FORM: More than 1 person per envelope - use an extra stamp per person. At Gate, tickets $10.00 more - CASH only. NAME. STREET_ .PHONE MM t* *r9f9rt to Southorn Porformor$) FESTIVAL LIMITED TO 2000 WOMEN WORKSHOPS & DAY STAGE We encourage women to do workshops. Share professional skills, different cultures, interests, etc. If you wish to be listed in the program send a short description of your work shop or If you wish to play on the day stage send a tape. Send these along with your ticket order by April 20th. CITY ★ $11 5—Space in cabin (very, very limited) $_ $95 to $105 Sliding Scale—4 days (camping) $_ $130 R.V.; no hook-ups; (includes 1 ticket) $_ $20 Additional for workshift substitution $_ $20 per 9-1 6 yr. old woman (and 9- 1 0 boy) $_ $80 to $90 very limited Sat. noon to Mon. passes (camping) $_ TRANSPORTATION: I am willing to give rides from Atlanta to Festival (name will go on list and be given to those needing rides) TOTAL ENCLOSED $_ .STATE. ZIP_ WILLING TO HELP NAME STREET. CITY PHONE. .STATE/ZIP I CAN LOAN OR RENT THE FESTIVAL □ Vanw/lift* □ Pick-up Truck □ Other I WOULD BE INTERESTED IN VOLUNTEERING □ To flyer □ To be regional contact □ with ticket purchase to come early and work I HAVE SKILLS IN: □ Carpentry □ Health care □ Disabled Resources □ Childcare □ Sign-interpreting □ Electrician □ Other Work-exchange — write detailed letter, re: skills & situation or call. I NEED INFORMATION FROM(Rec. by Apr 20) ‘NEEDED TO ACCOMODATE WHEELCHAIRS Disabled Resources □ Childcare □ *4 DAY TICKET ONLY I wish space in cabin it available □ Smoking Q Non-Smoking Q Clean & Sober □ NO REFUNDS interview, Mary’s voice broke. “It was the hardest day of our lives.” Bill sat by her, silently nodding in agreement, as an unspoken chain of memories bonded them to the past. "We took him in — and there were these huge black doors with a bell to ring to get inside. I looked at Bobby, and then at Bill and rang the bell." The worry was unnecessary, "In four days we found out that he was the biggest and best actor you could ever hope to meet," Mary said. "He was not addicted. 'There was no withdrawal, absolutely none." And, for the second time, Mary and Bill heard a psychiatrist say, "There is absolutely nothing wrong with this boy." The man advised them to "leave him alone. No restrictions. Have him stay as a border in your home. If you are not going to kick him out, then learn to live with him. Leave him alone for three month to recuperate." That’s what they did. It wasn’t easy. They had no support group then as they do now (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). Bobby’s determined indepen dence was a constant source of friction. '"The only thing he did to please me was that he kept himself clean," Mary said. "I didn't touch his room and I wouldn't do his laundry. He came and went as he pleased. It made for a very unhappy home life. Sammy (his youn ger brother) was upset — only four years younger and with restrictions while Bobby had none." But Bobby began accepting responsi bility for his life. He announced one day that he had taken the G.E.D. (high school equivalency exam) and was reg istered for classes at a local college. "He seemed happy for a while," Mary reflected. "And he went for one year. It was still difficult. He defied ev erything and then at the end of a year he was ready to go back to New York City and try and make a go of it and not make the same mistakes. And he went." "He went to school, too," Bill noted proudly. "He has attended three col leges but never got a degree; it still upsets him." Mary paused, caught between today and yesterday, trying to sort out her son's life, filled with contradictions. Her voice brightened as she remembered happier times. "Bobby was a very good looking boy. I know he led a very active homosexual life. He went to all the right places. He always managed to be with upper class New Yorkers and went to the finest res taurants. Then, after two years, he met Frank, who became his lover. They had a beautiful apartment. (Bobby had, by this time, landed a prestigious position marketing American-made equipment in Europe.) He and Frank were together for five years. And then there was Tony. And they were together for four years." As the story approached the present with its grinding struggle against AIDS, Mary became pen sive, talking quietly of how she has come to know and love the men in Bobby’s life and to respect Bobby’s independence and ac complishments. "It must hove been so hard on him," she said. "Before Frank — and in be tween Frank and Tony — I know there were many, many people in his life. There is no way to know how he got AIDS, or when." Last April 9, the call came: Bobby was in a coma. Mary, Bill and Bobby's sisters rushed to his bedside — the first of many trips to New York. He had meningitis and en cephalitis (infections of the spinal cord and brain). He survived with minimal effect — short-term memory loss. Though not formally diagnosed as an AIDS patient, Mary and Bill for the first time witnessed discrimination against CONTINUED. NEXT PAGE
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