anatomically
incorrect
by Ronda Shouse
Special to Q-Notes
Emotional problems
I left my marriage in October 1998, nine
days before our 23 anniversary. I left behind
some emotional baggage, but I soon developed
new crises.Beginning in January, 1999, I be
gan hormone replacement therapy (HRT),
which was supposed to cause emotional tur
moil. The only things I noticed at first were
hot flashes. I was living with a former friend
who was showing increasing signs of hostility
towards me. By January I was told, rudely, to
get out. I had recently met someone who would
go on to become a dear friend. I asked Terry if
she would allow me to sleep on her couch, as I
had to get out of the apartment. I lived with
her for the next five months. During that time
I had two panic attacks which sent me home
from work. There were episodes of tears, but
not many, and I was still in touch with my chil
dren. Six months into HRT, with increasing
dosages of estrogen, I began having horrible
crying spells, which came in cycles - every 28-
30 days.
By May 1999, I had lost two jobs. I began
experimenting with make-up, wearing nail pol
ish and earrings. Both employers questioned me
concerning my appearance, and one threatened
to fire me. I decided to chart my own path,
and started a maid service. It began wonder
fully, with plenty of work, but by late summer
business was gone. When school started and
nothing improved, 1 knew I was in serious fi
nancial trouble. (In the divorce, I did not want
to upset my childrens life by forcing the sale of
the house, so my ex got everything.)
I had never before sought aid from a state
agency, but rent was due and I didn’t have the
funds to buy my prescriptions. I did get Social
Services to pay the $350 for my prescriptions.
A friend offered to pay my rent for a month.
The next month I got food and rent money
from Crisis Assistance Ministry. During this
time, the hormones were literally altering my
brain and I became overwhelmed. Fear was tak
ing control of my life and I became suicidal.
Meanwhile, I met J. She could tell in my
voice that I was steadily losing control, and in
vited me to move to California with her. I sold
everything I had for a chance to get away, relax
and enjoy the holidays.
The peace would last one week. J’s soon-to-
be ex became hateful and violent. Barb’s wild
Ways left the household in turmoil. Twice she
became abusive to both J and me. Barb was a
heavy smoker and constantly had a cigarette.
One night she came up behind J and as she
turned around. Barb pushed her cigarette into
J’s eye. I jumped to help her and Barb ran to a
neighbor’s house and called the police on us.
When they arrived, I explained to them what
had happened. Barb was surprised when they
arrested her for felony spousal abuse and locked
her in jail for two weeks.
She came back home changed ... for a day.
Then she began to make verbal attacks on me.
She could be very sweet and then suddenly your
Worst enemy. In early November I had to get
out: Barb had set a deadline and because her
name was on the deed, J could not help me. 1
had lost my children. I had sold everything to
move. Now I had to find another home imme-
liately. I had been sharing email with a few
people here, mostly members of the church I
had been attending. A few got together and
wired me a bus ticket back to North Carolina.
I hated to leave J but I had no choice.
Back in Charlotte, I had to establish myself
again. I had no place to live and no job. For a
month I lived with two different families from
the church and stayed in a studio apartment
that another family owned. On January 1,2000
I moved in with an older woman to keep her
company. It was rent-free and no cost to me
except for groceries. I was also cooking Louise’s
meals. She knew I was diabetic and had to watch
what I ate, and said she would eat anything that
wasn’t alive. But soon she began to complain.
Towards the end of February she said that
things were not working out between us and I
should find a new place. She said we do not
agree on anything. I fixed food she didn’t like,
after telling me it was OK. She said we didn’t
like the same programs on TV, though she had
a TV put in my room. It was a pattern of com
plaints about everything; She is a Jehovah wit
ness. I was a member of the Unitarian Univer-
salist Church. She promised not to let religion
get involved, but she was constantly wanting
to “discuss” issues. As with any right wing reli
gion, there is no. discussion - she would simply
tell me why she was right and I was wrong. She
also began making derogatory comments on my
looks, even suggesting 1 should try to look more
like a man.
I realized Louise was jealous of my ability to
go out while she was confined to a wheelchair.
She had expected me to buy a car to take her
out on weekends. The constant complaining
was getting to me. Sometimes she would say
something so hateful that I would leave the
room in tears. While my reactions were becom
ing more and more feminine in nature, the con
tinued depression was the same.
During this time I had asked my doctor for
Depra Provera to assist in breast development.
While it did help in filling my breasts out, taken
in conjunction with my regular hormone regi
ment, it contributed to my depression. I
stopped the injections after March. By late April
the depression began to lift. I was away from
Louise and in my own apartment. I was work
ing again full-time and I asked God to take over
my life and lead me. Life began to change.
In December I had been hired by one of
Charlotte’s largest employers. They have a strict
diversity policy, .Weather 1 was hired because I
had experience or to fulfill an anti-discrimina
tion policy, I do not know or care. During my
training I was having serious problems staying
awake. 1 was placed on a medical leave. My
doctor determined that 1 have narcolepsy. When
1 am in an unstimulating environment, my
brain shuts down. The problem has been with
me since I was a teen but had been getting
worse. Now the problem has been defined.
My outlook is focused. My hopes for the
future are positive and the depression is under
control. My sister noted that I was on a bubble
and when it burst it could be very hard. She
was right: the bubble has burst recently. But 1
refuse to let myself be dragged down.
I depended on my faith to get me through
and on my belief in God to help make deci
sions. Life is good. Two of my relatives have
come to my assistance and are closer than ever
before. Maybe someday my children will also
come to understand. And maybe my new rela
tionship will blossom into a marriage. That is
the future I really want: Unlike many women
today, I want to be a housewife. T
[Send comments about this column to
editor@q-notes.com or fax to 704-531-1361.
Send column ideas or questions about transgender
life to rondashouse@yahoo.com.]
Q-Notes ▼ January 20, 2001 ▼ PAGE 15
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