PAGE 10
April 28, 2001
Looking skin deep in New York City
by Doug Detwiler
Special to Q-Notes
j/oward the end of March, I met up with an
old friend for five days in New York City. 1
needed to feel the city’s
infectious energy com
bined with a megalopoli-
tan infusion only a few
cities truly possess. Lon
don and Paris also come
to mind. My longtime
friend, Brad, refers to
New York as, “the center
of the universe.” Unher
alded in many areas: ar-
Doug Detwiler chitecture, art, muse
ums, shopping, food and dining. To me, riding
the subway is an urban luxuiy and walking about
a treat. I find life without the responsibility and
confines of a car freeing and refreshing. The
weather was lousy. I didn’t care. I had a wonder
ful time taking a bite out of the Big Apple. “Wish
you were here,” it would say on the postcard.
Whenever I travel, I do my best to leave my
work at home. I looked forward to the down
time and turning off the processing. An im
portant aspect of being a therapist is observa
tion coupled with awareness. However, a fa
miliar theme in gay culture emerged which my
mind’s eye could not ignore. Basically, I found
the never ending quest of making oneself into
a physical masterpiece more disturbing and dis
heartening than usual.
Today’s image-obsessed gay men left me
wondering what will happen if we continue to
neglect our insides (our spirit, character, psyche)
to the benefit of our outsides (the facade). I
stayed in Chelsea, epicenter to the power pam
pering makeover. I became inundated with ads.
“Get ready for a smooth summer.” This teaser
mantra professes laser hair removal for your
back, shoulder, buttocks and full beard for
around $ ] 300. Or this mixed message. The lat
est trend featured from subway ads to fashion
ads are hairy guys making a comeback. Not to
worry. If you have had your hair permanently
removed there is a new procedure sweeping
Manhattan allowing one to have hair trans-
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Here’s a power pampering paragraph run
down before I move on to ways to enrich our
treasured insides. Here we go. Human growth
hormone promises to reverse the effects of ag
ing, loss of fat and gain of muscle without diet
or exercise. Testosterone replacement therapy has
become man’s secret weapon against aging. Don’t
miss this opportunity for “eternal” youth. Fa
cials, face peels, botox/collagen injections, hi-tech
tanning beds, hair coloring, hip fashion and chin
implants to give you the look of a square-jawed
quarterback. I forgot the quarterback also will
need Viagra and horny goat weed to throw those
hail marys. Oh, and I need to make a call on my
cell phone because I have difficulty tolerating
being alone in my own company. I’m talking
excess here. There are certainly benefits in treat
ing oneself to self-care. A relaxing massage to
reduce stress is worth mentioning.
Maybe you have noticed increased activity
at your gym where all this narcissism emerged
in the go-go eighties. The pressure is on to look
flawless in that bathing suit. Cardio, crunches
and weights. The cosmetic pump is a bit mad
dening. Some questions. When are we ever
going to be enough? What are we keeping at
bay or avoiding?
These questions ask us to look inside our
selves. In paying close attention to our
thoughts, feelings and emotions we begin to
notice our real needs. That which feeds, nur
tures, sustains, renews and helps us grow will
vary. We’re all different. Neglecting these ar
eas in our lives only makes us more vulner
able to a wide range of issues. This might in
clude loneliness, depression, worry, anxiety,
and general unhappiness. Ineffectively coping
with these problems could trigger self-medi
cating behaviors including the misuse and
abuse of alcohol and drugs, sexual compul
sion, workaholism, codependency, angry out
bursts, and spending sprees. These are some
of the ways we remain unconscious in the
misguided effort to distract ourselves and avoid
dealing with our painful issues.
Spring is a good time to take inventory of
our lives and ourselves. Find some quiet time
to examine what is working and not working
in your life. Make a list. Are you meeting your
personal goals? Are your friendships and rela
tionships providing the support and love you
need? What might your friends and/or partner
say about your support to them? Ask.
In my opinion, what helps drive the vanity
mania in our culture is a desire for connection
and belonging — a wish to be accepted and
loved for who we truly are. The coming out
process is a monumental struggle for most, leav
ing many exhausted. There is more work that
needs to be done. We keep learning and grow
ing by experiencing. So please pay particular
attention to your insides. Take responsibility
and do the necessary work. Your outsides will
radiate a beauty that will last a lifetime because
you are real and authentic. ▼
[Doug Detwiler, MA, is a psychotherapist in
private practice. He is affiliated with Cameron
Valley Psychotherapy and Counseling Associates in
Charlotte, NC. Recently relocated from San Fran
cisco, Doug brings his 10 years of experience help
ing individuals explore, learn, confront, change,
heal, grow and transform therruelves and their re
lationships with others.]
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