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How to survive the loss of a partner by Lainey Millen Q-Notes Staff Do not go gently into that good night!” These immortal words of poet Dylan Thomas remind all of us of the way in which the im pending death and subsequent passing of some one for whom we care deeply touches each of us. Few of us are immune to unexpected death and the emptiness, loneliness and reevaluation that such occasions bring. Recently, I revisited a television movie on the Castaldi custody battle in Florida. I believe these issues continue to be worth exploring. A few months ago, I lost a dear, old friend. He and his partner owned a home together and had shared some wonderful ex periences. However, a couple of years ago, the partner I’ll call “John” was diagnosed with a ter minal illness. John mustered all his strength to battle the disease only to fail at last. He outlived all estimates, but eventually was forced to surrender and die. Like in the Castaldi film, John’s partner was forced into a protracted legal battle with the surviving parents. Property, money, and even the choice of last rites were all disputed. John’s parents excluded “Sam” from the final arrangements, irnored him at the visitation, made no mention ofhim during the funeral and the internment. He was omitted from the obituary and was not acknowledged during the services. Only after the graveside service did the offi ciating minister learn of Sam’s existence. The family had completely segregated themselves from Sam to protect their own interests and lifestyle. Once the minister was aware of the relationship, he was quick to offer consolation and support. He made arrangements for fol low-up visits to ensure that Sam had support from his clergy. This story is too similar to those shared among our community to be viewed with any emotional distance. It pains me to s.ee couples work so hard for so many years to build a life together and then when death rears its head and snatches a loved one, the agony truly be gins. The Castaldi movie — which showcased the landmark case in Florida for the rights of the surviving partner in a lesbian relationship — brought a fresh breeze to a stagnant issue. The movie likewise depicted the exclusion of Castaldi’s partner by her parents at the memo rial service, and in rearing the child they had shared. How many of us know someone who has been slighted or ignored by the surviving family, and thus denied the opportunity for healthy grief? Worse still, how many of us know of someone who was ousted from a shared home because of the name on the title and the legal rights of survivorship? When two people commit to a relationship, it is like a marriage, regardless of the gender of the persons involved. It is necessary that the couple work together to secure their future to gether and separately, should one die. In some cases, it may be as simple as formalizing wills, living wills, and healthcare proxies (powers-of- \nL Jairi^ Travels 4621 Bournewood Lane Charlotte, NC 28226 Call Today Phone - 704-543-7977 Fax - 704-542-2873 t/n t U>Hi lumitKm KSLTA attorney). In other cases, it will require educat ing family members about one’s choice of a life mate, even when they would prefer to remain blissfully ignorant. For some, it may be even a stronger battle, requiring a visible face at work and within a rejecting community. At any rate, each must do whatever is neces sary to ensure the security and well being of one’s partner in the event of accident, illness, or death. I visited my friend Don a few years ago as he was in his last week of life in Dallas. He was cared for at a hospice facility specifically for persons with AIDS. As 1 watched him that week, a shell of man who was once exuberant and vivacious, I was touched by his mother’s devotion. Lucille was never ashamed of her son. She loved him. She was there — strok ing his brow, kissing his head, helping him transition from this world to the next with dig nity and grace. When Don died, a member of his care team took Lucille shopping to select a dress for the funeral, while others provided meals and took care of the daily chores of living. I urge those in loving rela tionships to begin to do some soul searching. Consider what would happen if something happened to one of you. Think about how the deceased partner’s family would treat the surviving spouse. Begin to create a plan; to chart a course. Decide to gether what rituals, events, and traditions are important to the two of you — and perhaps what choices you can leave open to other fam ily members so that they, too, can have a healthy grieving process. But don’t allow your private decisions to be the end. Take the time and make the difficult effort to share those decisions with extended family members, so that everyone will be clear about your wants and wishes at this difficult and painful time. That will allow healing to happen through the pain. T Q-Notes ▼ May26, 2001 ▼ PAGES s 8 (d NEED A REAL E AGENT? 9 E a >t E g Free I Referral ka N Anywhere i In the - USA 1-877-GAY-HOMES Full Service Travel Agency Please call for all your travel needs. Ask about our gay resorts and special promotions. Call Beverly at 704-543-7977 Miss Mecklenburg County America Pageant 2001-02 (An official preliminary to Miss NC America Pageant 2001-02) Saturday, June 1C, 2CC1 OPEN TO ALL NC RESIDENT FEMALE IMPERSONATORS Categories: Male Interview, Creative Fashion, * kv On-Stage Question, Evening Gown and Talent ^ /' FEATUR/WG: XYLER KOLE * '/ Miss North Ceirolina America 2001 Special Guest: Mistress of Ceremonies: MONICA MITCHELLS TIFFANY STORM Miss Mecklenburg County Miss North Ctirolina America 1997 America 2000-01 Miss Mecklenburg America 1996-97 Special Appearances By: EBONY BLACK KASEY KING Miss Mecklenburg America ’98-’99 North Carolina’s Ebony Legend ENTRY FEE: $50 • Registration at 3:00pm at Scorpio on day of pageant. * For info, contact Tiffany Storm at (704) 643-3876 or (704) 712-4927 . • Charlotte, NC • 704-373-^
Q-notes (Charlotte, N.C.)
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May 26, 2001, edition 1
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