on being a gay parent
by brett webb-mitchell :: qnotes contributor
The next generation
Those of us who are lesbian, gay,
bisexual, transgender, queer expressing,
questioning and straight friends, family mem
bers and allies, live in a time of great story
making and storytelling. February is Black
History Month and it has me thinking of our
history, looking forward to Gay History Month
in October. And, what will we tell each other
this year? From our nascent beginnings as
a civil rights movement in the 1960s with the
Stonewall riots, the fight for equal justice for
all people by the likes of Martin Luther King,
Jr.'s lieutenant Bayard Rustin and politician
Harvey Milk, the prominence of out-lesbian
athletes like Martina Navratilova, the con
secration of the Rev. Gene Robinson as an
Episcopal Bishop, to the power of the masses
that drew and draw attention to HIV/AIDS
among all populations, movies shedding a
prominent light on issues facing transgender
people like "Transamerica," the daily line-up
of shows on the Logo channel on television
and the fight for equal marriage rights and
the right to serve openly as an LGBTQ person
in the military or as clergy in faith communi
ties...it is an incredible time to be living, gay
or straight, as we witness history being
made daily.
And, we are not the only ones witnessing
history in the making. Our children, grand
children, great-grandchildren, nieces and
nephews and our "almost like family" young
kith and kin are all witnesses to the story of
equal rights and
justice unfolding
in their — in our
— midst. Even
though long-term
consequences
of most of our actions are simply unknowable,
we move forward and live our lives honestly
' and smartly, knowing that the next generation
is watching our every move carefully.
When I was growing up as a young boy,
and now as a father, the phrase often spoken
by my mother was, "little pitchers have big
ears." This was not a baseball phrase. In
stead, it is the acknowledgement that children
hear and understand more than you and I
think they do. The play on words here is on
the resemblance of the ear to the handle of a
pitcher that contains water, a phrase coming
from the 16th century that has endured the
test of time.
In our families, our children arfi watch
ing, hearing, sensing and remembering all
that is going on in our families and around
us in modern society.
In our families, even christening, baptism
and bat or bar mitzvah, every graduation,
every falling head over heels in love, every
birthday and anniversary, every bout of
depression and anxiety, every time we leave
and return home and every death is remem
bered by our children and grandchildren. A
family is never static, always changing.
>
•• ? n
Li l
constantly becoming family. A family is the
many things that happen within our circle of
members.
And, the web of relationships that hold our
families together are rocked easily by events
occurring around us. Out of the corner of an
eye that tears itself from Facebookand U.S.
history textbooks, my son watches news of
the Don't Ask, Don't Tell debate; taking out
her iPod ear buds, my daqghter listens to an
NPR program of marriage equality on trial in
California. My children have heard the word
"faggot" spoken sarcastically, quietly and
pointedly in the hallways of a public high
school where it is forbidden. We talk, email,
and text each other a bout these develop
ments in our family, questioning the nature of
a person's or society's habit of the heart that
would allow such hatred and injustice.
The next generation and the generation
after that is already being formed and shaped
in its opinions, actions and societal behaviors
by our dealings and attitude shared openly as
well as privately in our families. In the spirit
of St. Valentine's Day, a day of heart and soul,
hopefully we will demonstrate to the next
generation not only how to respond to the
open callousness and misinformation directed
toward people who are LGBTQ with the truth
fulness and honesty of our lives. Hopefully,
we will also be a tangible model, a living
example, of how we met the bigotry, injustice
and prejudice with love. For in the not-too-
distant future, our children and grandchildren
will be telling their children and grandchildren
about "my fathers" or "my grandmothers,"
who, by simply living out and without shame
or excuses, changed the world and the family
in which we live today, as well as for the next
generation to come.::
Geoi'i^es Bizet
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