Page 2
tihe
Vi APRIL FOOLS ISSUE
don't forget to get your funnel at the RR office!
FLASH!! MURDOCH BUYS RR;
INSIDIOUS PLOT REVEALED!
Photo by Gene Jones
MES Wilderness Work-out Beared!
This year’s Middle Earth Society
(MES), in addition to their “Municipal
Splelunking” exprience, is offering some
interesting side lines to students with
varied tastes.
The MES Outdoor Workout is one such
offering. It emphasizes the “back to
nature” philosophy that is so dear to the
American culture (and. a few others be
sides)—the wilderness experience.
Prior to the field priods (which vary
from 10 day backpacking episodes to a
two-week canoe trip, which teaches bal
ance in the white rapids), the students read
independently various classics which bear
ESCAPES
INJURY
Head Put to Use
A Maintenance electrician narrowly es
caped injury last week when he fell from a
turning ladder while holding a light bulb,
to replace one of the ten that have burned
out in the Lipinsky Student Center.
The electrician was reported to have
landed on his head, so that no vital organs
were damaged. He is now taking two con
secutive coffee breaks for his recuperation
period, and should be back on the job for
the next fall semester.
When contacted for comment, the elec
trician stated, “Duh, I didn’t know you
were supposed to oil the wheels instead of
the floor.” He also stated that more men
are needed to help in turning the ladders,
and some more to hold nets for future falls.
on the wilderness experience. The read
ings emphasize the techniques of the
Indian and mountain men, and concen
trates on the methods of the wild trappers
and fur traders.
In the natural setting, discussions of the
readings arise spontaneously on the trail,
alongside a mountain stream, or by the
evening campfire. The Wilderness Work
out has attracted students from regions
near the dorm areas and the student center.
Applicants are accepted on a first-come
first-served basis, and a minimum of ex
perience is required.
LIBERTY
CORNER
CONFECTIONERY
(he Oldew Ncighborhool Bar in the South
Serving the American Public Since 1926
UiKlrr New ivlanjgemeni
"HAPPY H(WR"
H-iO-TOO
239 S. LiiEurr stiieet
« * * * * «
The Australian publishing magnate
Murdoch has gained a controlling share of
the Ridgerunner by deviously plotting
with the Business Manager to control the
ad revenue. Greatly upset, the loyal staff
of Ramona Griffin held a late night meet
ing to discuss future plans on how to
change their writing styles rather than give
up their lucrative positions. Ms. Griffin
has disappeared and no one knows where
she is. It is rumored that she was stuffed
into the closet behind the piano in the
Coffeehouse.
Murdoch found out about the Ridge
runner via a staff member who is shorter
than 5 '7" and weighs less than 130 pounds,
and who was carried to Australia by a Big
Hairy Bat. The staff member, under
duress, confessed that the legendary
Ridgerunner did indeed exist and was
located at UNC-A. He also requested
political asylum.
BEWARE!
NARSISIST
LOOSE
Students of UNC-A, beware!!! There is an
insidious plot to undermine the credibility
of all Student organizations on Campus. I
am referring to the deranged and basically
narcissistic plot to have the Ramona Grif
fin Fan Club recognized by the UNC-A
SG. While this organization might give
direction to those left wandering aimlessly
by the disbanding of the Order of the Fun
nel, I personally feel it to be the creation of
a sick and twisted mind, though I know I
had nothing to do with it.
What do I mean by sick and twisted?
Consider the initiation rites. First, the
prospective members are required to dis
play their adoration of Ms. Griffin by
parading around campus en masse with
funnels tied over their noses. Bizarre, eh?
Well, it gets worse. Every hour, all pro
spective members must bow in the direc
tion of the Ridgerunner office fill their
funnels with dirt, and then dribble the dirt
all over campus (obviously symbolizing
Ridgerunner preparation and distribu
tion). Each candidate for membership is
also required to greet each person encount
ered during their rounds of campus with a
stirring salute, both hands wiped across
the tip of the funnel, and the chanted
words: “Drip...Drip...Drip.” And, as if
these requirements were not demanding
enough, each candidate must think of ten
nice things to say about Ms. Griffin. No
duplications are to be permitted among the
candidates. Talk about grueling.
Even though the initiation ritual is high
ly unusual, perhaps I would not object to it
so strongly had I not entered the Ridge
runner office one day last week and en
countered Ms. Griffin reciting “How Do I
Love Thee?” to a full length mirror, while
30 be-funneled neophytes huddled at her
continued on p. 3,...
The Chancellor was reported to be in
seclusion, and is considering how to get
Murdoch enrolled. The faculty is wonder
ing if this means that a method will be
sought whereby to control the University
system, and are now figuring out how to
declare dual citizenships. Accusations are
flying, in which some are charged with
tampering with ballots in order to insure
that their citizenships are supported by the
AAUP (Associated *’s of Univ. Profs.).
The Student Government has recovered
quickly and will immediately implement
Plan 101.11, How to Become Associate
Members of the Press, Or At Least Be
Known As Sympathesizers. Maintenance,
reacting the most radically, has ordered
the windows painted and the floor covered
with a thick layer of scrap paper. The
Summit has reserved a 16 page section for
photos and mug shots of the infamous
Murdoch.
Short
People
face
perils
Short people, beware.
You may have heard about the Big
Hairy Bat Hunters, an organization cur
rently being formed on campus. You may
have even been asked to join. If you are
contemplating membership, however,
there is something which you should con
sider seriously: Personal risk.
In a recent study conducted by a noted
Zooligical Biologist, the late Dr. Ignatius
L. Rymoreson, formerly of the St. Louis
Zoo, it was revealed that big hairy bats are
very big indeed. They grow up to twenty
feet in length and have a wing-span in
excess of 30 feet. Though they grow to
these phenomenonal sizes, they are
hollow-boned and can only lift objects
under one hundred and thirty pounds in
weight. The short length of their grasping
hind legs also prevents them from siezing
anything over five feet seven inches in
height. It was discovered by the late Dr.
Rymoreson that the big hairy bats are car
nivorous, and have exceedingly hostile re
actions to being hunted or stalked. Dr.
Rymoreson discovered this little known
fact while he was attempting to capture a
specimen for laboratory study. Being only
5 feet in height and 120 pounds in weight,
the doctor made an excellent target for his
intended speciman and (it is hoped) an ex
cellent meal as well. Dr. Rymoreson’s dis
covery has been recorded for science by
his field assistant, John McCormick, a
former professional basketball center.
So if you are under five feet seven,
weigh less than one hundred and thirty,
and are not a particularly good shot, be
forwamed. You might be asked to dinner
one might by a big hairy bat with no
Rymoreson.