Pa^ Two
'OMAH MOIHERS ORaANIZS!
Tho mothers of tho Onar Khayyak
Fraternity raen'bors have formed an organ
ization of their own. Callod tho Mater-
iial Order of Onar Khayotto8,tho purpose
of tho cluh is a simple one—to imi
tate,as nearly as possilJle.the activi
ties of thoir sons. As Mrs.O.V.Priestly,
mother of Oliver Vanheusen Priestly,(tho
First Leci;itimate Son of Onar) ,c3cpresses
is?"We know all a“bout our little 'boys*
activities,and think such a club is ^ood
for them. Drinkin.i; toa(I*m sure they
mentioned a"tea party”onco),discussing
high-class literature,and learnin': per
fect manners and respect for the -'^irls
they date—-all these thing’s are import
ant to then* And tho daily 3ible read-
inqa they have show that they're on the
right foot spiritually. I*d much rather
for Ollie to Tdo with them,instead of
out with some bunch of wild drunkards,
rapists,and atheists that I hear arc so
common in colleges these days. Out club
is going to be modeled like that of tho
boys——the tea,discussions, and even tho
wonen-we'll talk over possible choices
to trap our boys into marriage,one thing
they all want. Our little club is almost
exactly like Onar KhayyakJ”
(Almost,Mis P».almostl)
CLASSY CLICH3 DBPT!
The other day wo saw a boatload
of viruses and germs going down the riv-
_or,ca£r2ling_colds_to_ Nowca,sy.^i
(If A.3.Worked Like Cuba...)
WON& WINS P;V3SI3)MCYi
Rebel Leader A1 V7ong(the opposite of
Wight)led a victorious army through tho
halls of A.V.last Wednesday,to capture
Pr*s4doncy of the student body from G-eorgo
N.Crland. Mr.Wong*s army ca.’oturod and exe
cuted Mr.G-land and all of his followers,
most of then by drowning then in tho fish
pond.(Some were tortured to death by being
forced to listen to Mrs.Fisheart road
poetry to them for 24 hours.)
Wong and his two advisors,Miss Phyllis
Halfton and Miss Mickey Scandaler,sot up
a new constitution which gives us shorter
hours fleas work,more pay,and a police es
cort up the mountain and back each day.
This is the kind of leadership wo've been
needing for years,and we say to Mister W:
You're a groat Prexy,Al,and DON’T SHOOTJ
facttlty NEWSNOTSS-
We finally found out why ‘Ooctor
3owen and Mr.Illsman are such great bud
dies—seems they were originally one man,
with an extreme case of schizophrenia(or,
"split personality). Then one day,their
(his)personality completely, split,and
he(they)became two people. Therefore,it's
only natural that thoir sideline business
is running the Psychological Service
Station,which offers a free analysis with
every ten gallons of gas purchased.
Colonels lTickloman,Huff,and Millmac-
kan have formed a folksinging barbershop
group,called"The Four Colonels Minue One".
They've been touring campuses.clubs,and
theaters all over the fiountry .singing
thelr"8pecialized’^songs,like”World History
(Continued next column.)
FACTTIjTY-Co nt i nue d-
Blues"*"Physics Cha-cha-cha"*and^There's
no 3usiness Liko Teaching business,and
3usiness Ain't None of Yours".
Mister Carl Percy,music teacher,
has introduced a new concept to the
record world with his now L.P.recording
titlod"SILENC3 IN STBBFX)". Tho record,
r\mning 3"^ minutes per side,consists of
rhythmatic arrangements of various kinds
of silence. Tho reason for his recordin
this important new work? "The people in
my classes make so much noise when we
are su^o^osed to bo listening to music,
I decided a recor'^ of silence would bo
the perfect one for class...no harsh,
loud music to interrupt thoir conver
sations when they come to my room for
their social hour."
Mrs.Emily '^■'seless,librarian at
A.V., spoke out against tho sale of
pornography at a recent librarians'
convention. "The bookstores,newsstands,
and cigar counters selling obscene ma
terial to our students should be run
out of business.. .riin out of the whole
stateJ"ghe declared. ^iHion,over tho
cheers of the enthusiastic crowd,some
one askod why,she replied,"Because they
are too much comDotition.that's whyiHow
can I sell my"undor-the-counter"books
at the school library when those guys
downtown steal all my customers?"
THE ^EliM'S INFECTION-Random thoughts
on Astronauts-
From the publicity received by our
first astronaut for a while there,it
seemed like thoy were going to change an
old familiar prayer to,"The Lord is A1
Shepherd"...A gag newscast going around
while he was up went liko this! "The tt,s.
Astronaut has landed safely... just in
side the border of Russia]"...^ood thing
they tested him carefully before he went
up. It would have boon wild if he had
gone up there and shouted into his mic
rophone , "HelpJ I'm afraid of high Places"
• • .Comic "^ick 0-regory comments that now,
for tho first time,we have a picture of
thk whole earth;says all we need now
is a shoot of papor big enough to print
it on...With all the satollitos up now,
(manned,monkeyed,or otherwise),a lot of
the old songs are boinig rostylod. Havo
you heard "How High the Moons"?... Mrs.
Shepherd is probably tho only women in
our history to really be proud because
her husband got high...Spealcing of the
satellites again,we still have ray sug
gestion of four yoars ago——that the
perfect name for tho next one sent up
around Christmas time would be"The Santa-
lito"...And,as"3rother"‘^ave 'rardner says
about Russia's s'Taco efforts,"Lot's hope
they 6^ got to the moon,and all goJ"
LOSBIU You think a"two-time Iosor"is
bad off? If so, ust consider this poor
^timo loser; A drunk tightrope walkor,
wearing slick-bottom shoes,walking a
greased rope during an earthnuake,with
hiccups and a bad case of athlete's
,f^ei,l