Wednesday, October 10, 1984/THE BLUE BANNER/8
Football therapy for females
Staff photo by Phil Ross
Laura Glass enjoys a dip with a shark in ufairlpool.
By Steve Meserve
Incredible as it might
seem, maiiy women do not
watch football at all.
Others watch the game on
ly grudgingly.
Some mutter under their
breath and make all sorts
of feeble atten5>ts to
drown out profanities and
protests which only ref
erees, line judges, and
Howard Cosell really need
to hear.
In the interest of do
mestic harmony,here are
some suggestions for the
benefit of football wi
dows throughout the land.
If women really want to
converse with their hus
bands between now and Su
per Sunday, they would be
well advised to consider
the following points.
The Surgeon Corporal
recently determined that
football viewing is a di
sease. It is one which
probably affects more
American males than can
cer, heart disease, and
Lonnie Anderson combined.
Due to the nature of
the "Fanatic Footballer
Syndrome" (FFS), the in
fected viewers may well
be unaware of their
condition.
Extreme care must be
taken in bringing this to
the viewer*s attention.
While gentle hints will
probably go unnoticed,
more direct approaches
(screaming, tearful fits,
shoes through the televi
sion screen, frying pans
on the head, etc.) carry
with them the ever-pre
sent threat of physical
violence.
After a weekend of
watching Hacksaw Reynolds
eat linemen while Bubba
Smith tears beer cans in
half, resident football
fans honestly may not
realize until it is too
late that their names are
not Butkus, and their
wives aren't Bradshaw.
Perhaps there is a bet
ter way.
Maybe the viewers could
be weaned from weekend
television gradually. Be
gin by carefully, quiet
ly, pretending to share
the obsession.
For most women, this
requires a supreme effort
of will. After all,
spending Saturday after
noon and evening watching
the Wolverines, Wolfpack,
Jayhawks, Razorbacks,
Cougars, Longhorns and
the like is as exciting
for most of women as
eavesdropping on an
argument between Marlin
Perkins and Joan Embery
(Johnny Carson's friend
from, the San Diego Zoo.)
Nevertheless, women
have to start somewhere.
If they can't at least
pretend interest in the
college teams on Satur
days, they don't stand a
chance when the Cowboys,
Lions, Dolphins, and Sea-
hawks get going on Sun
day.
Above all, remember
that to the victims of
FSS, the question of
whether or not the Eagles
beat the Rams is a matter
of life and death.
It helps to pretend in
terest for the team that
wins. But if blatant hos
tility exists over a hus
band's addiction, take
the easy way out.
Cheer for whichever
team the husband is a-
gainst. That's guaranteed
to get some sort of con
versation going, however
it isn't reccMnnended for
women with an aversion to
four-letter words.
After building up re
spect for the winner,
work on football vocabu
lary begins.
The only language the
FFS sufferer understands
between Saturday morning
and Monday night is libr-
erally salted with
phrases which hardly seem
to be a part of the
Queen's English.
One should leam to use
them properly. "Shotgun,"
"nickel," and "front
four," take on a whole
new meaning when used in
the context of a football
game.
Don't be afreiid of
scarey phraseology. After
only a few games, most
women begin to understand
even such obscure refer
ences as "split-T" and
"flea flicker double re
verse fullback option
pass."
The inq>ortant thing is
sounding and looking in
terested in the game. A
good first step is to
memorize a few stock
conments like ’T3idn't he
make that look easy?" and
"That fellow is a real
ath-a-lete!"
Use these phrases at
different times through
out the game. If the fans
on television are cheer
ing loudly, chances are
good one or the other of
these phrases are appro
priate.
If, on the other hand,
the television fans are
booing or get very quiet
all of a sudden, a com
ment like "It's really a
shame they wouldn't let
the referee take his see
ing eye dog out on the
field" might be more in
order.
Occasionally enthusi
asts are so far gone that
it takes a good "I happen
to like Howard Cosell" to
get any response. Persons
not professionally
trained in the 40-meter
dash should take care to
use this phrase only from
the far side of the rom
(or frMB v^tever dis
tance they judge to be a
safe head-start margin).
The important thing to
remember is; Stick to it!
No matter how hard it may
be to convince enthusi
asts of shared interests,
they must be convinced of
that fact before any sort
of conversation and fur
ther treatment is possi
ble.
Women of America take
heart! The point is not
to cure these enthusiasts
or even to join them.
What is important is
the months between the
pre-season and the Pro-
Bowl need not be lost to
marriages.
It might even be a
pleasant surprise to find
how much fun it can be to
cuss the Redskins.•• the
Steelers... the Eagles...
Sharks'
By Joan Sterk
Sharks in the whirl
pool. Electric shock
therapy. Microwave heat
treatments. Sound like a
medieval torture chamber?
No, they are just part
of UNCA's new athletic
training room.
Athletic Supervisor Dr.
John Wells wants all stu
dents to know the treiin-
ing room in Justice Gym
is here for them.
The room is located
downstairs directly un
derneath the concession
stands.
It features all types
of equipment, from ice
packs to ultrasound, and
in a typical day," 45
people use the facili
ties ," said Wells.
Wells said most people
use the equipment "to
treat sore legs."
"The girl's basketball
team is doing a lot of
running now so a lot
of them require whirlpool
and ultrasound," he said.
Volleyball player Karen
Griffiths began receiving
galvanic treatment the
beginning of the semester
for muscle spasms in her
back.
Without the treatment,
Griffiths said she "probr-
ably wouldn't be able to
play. I think we're for
tunate to have the facil
ities and Dr. Wells' ex
pertise."
Non-athletes who have
overexerted muscled or
need to reduce swelling
may also use the whirl
pool and ultrasound.
r shock?
In addition to ultra
sound and ice treatments,
the trainers also use hy-
droculator therapy (heat
packs). They use infrared
heat lamps to increase
circulation, and a high
voltage g^vanic current
which uses electrical
volts (up to 500 volts)
to relieve pain.
Many students find re
lief in the whirlpool
(stocked with a pair of
rubber sharks) for aching
muscles.
There is also a micro
wave diathermic unit in
the training area. This
unit sends deep heat to
muscle groups, and works
on conditions such as ar
thritis by breaking up
calcium deposits.
The training room also
has rehabilitation equip
ment. It contains a sta
tionary bicycle and a set
of weights designed to
develop leg muscles.
This particular weight-
machine is ideal for re
building injured knee
muscles.
Wells also works in
conjunction with Coach
Helen Carroll to help
handicapped students.
Under their supervi
sion, handicapped stu
dents lift weights twice
a week.
In addition. Wells is
trying to organize an
aerobics class for han
dicapped students for
next semester.
Helping Wells with the
heavy workload are stu
dent trainers Nancy Young
and Nathan Rickman.