Decembers, 1996
The Blue Banner
Page 3
Bad weather safety more important than class schedules
Dear Editor,
As long as Virginia wins, goalposts will come down
I have been meaning to write
since last winter, but with the
announcement of the “Alter
nate Class Schedule for Bad
Weather,” and subsequent let
ters in T/?e Blue Banner, I
couldn’t resist putting my two
cents worth into the fray.
First, the late start schedule
isn’t really a bad idea based on
the notion that each class would
have the opportunity to meet,
review, have some discussion/
lecture, and get assignments for
the next class so as to not be out
of step with other classes.
Where the breakdown seems
obvious is that these late start
classes are scheduled for the
full hour!
By this schedule, the classes
that would normally end at 3:30
p.m. will not end until about
5:40 p.m. That’s what most
students seem to be most con
cerned with, particularly those
who have jobs.
According to the facts pre
sented in the UNCA commuter
student newsletter dated for
spring of 1996 “64 percent of
UNCA’s degree-seeking stu
dents are working a mean of 23
hours a week.”
If the delayed classes were just
shortened to half of that time
so that students would end their
classes at the normal time, while
having been able to attend each
one, wouldn’t that work out
better for everyone?
Second, the memory of last
winter still haunts many of us.
The announcement was made
over the airways that UNCA
would be open for classes.
Many of us that were able
arrived on campus to find the
streets, parking lots, walkways,
and steps still covered in snow
and ice.
Many of us had taken great
risks on the interstate and
Weaver Boulevard to get to our
classes, and were angered by
the disrespect for our safety and
well being shown by the uni
versity.
Many of us wondered who in
their right mind would have
ignored the 70 percent of
UNCA students that are com
muters (again, a statistic from
the commuter student news
letter).
This is where good sense and
judgement must play a vital
part in the lives of the students
and faculty of UNCA.
If the roads are bad, and the
campus is not safe for students,
cancel all the classes.
Our mountains don’t offer
heated roads that will automati
cally melt snow and ice, par
ticularly Weaver Boulevard and
parts of our campus that are in
the tree-shaded areas.
If the regular or the alternate
class schedule is announced,
make sure the commute is safe
for students, and that the cam
pus is prepared to safely bring
in those students.
Lastly, schedule the alternate
classes so the classes are short
ened.
Thanks for the opportunity
to have my say.
Anne Harwood
Senior
Psychology Major
Dear Editor,
After reading the article
“Tearing Down the Goalpost
Without a Cause,” I realized
that someone, namely Brian
Castle, is a sore loser.
You are right, Brian, North
Carolina was not number one
and they never will be as long
as they have to visit
Charlottesville. As an avid Vir
ginia fan and a season ticket
holder, I was one of the thou
sands of fans who stormed the
field at the end of the game.
The UNC fans that followed
their team to C’ville were cocky
and very deserving of the
fourth-quarter results.
And the UNC players were
worse than their fans. I have
not seen dancing and flaunt
ing by players after making
good plays like I saw from
UNC players since the Miami
Hurricane teams from the mid
to late 1980s.
It looked as though UNC’s
players had attended the
Michael Irvin/Deion Sanders
School of Dance. Those play
ers and fans deserved every
thing they got , especially los
ing their $8.5 million game.
Even if both teams come into
this game at 0-10, the goalposts
will always come down if UVA
wins because the only thing
greater to a Virginia fan than
[seating UNC in football
(which has happened nine times
in the last 11 years) is beating
Virginia Tech!
So get a life, Brian. Any time
a team loses a game worth that
much money, it is a BIG game!
Go Cavs!
Jeremy Fisher
• I
MOTHER GOOSE & GRIMM
by Mike Peters
Sorry,
NO
UsTEpPoS'I'ViE’
foR M'DoL.
ooe ucmsep
ISM'r ITKIMP
A VANITV
PLATE.
GR(MN\,™5
PACK^&5 6
FOR YOU,
WHAT IS IT f
PEPARTMEnTor Vt)J|C|£
OH B0^,M9
New
LICENSE'
ft
lfeTOOI^S
MUSrHAV£
PROG IeSB
J
auSTicE
TO exppe^ How peeply
THfr WE WERE.
To iMvPL'CATp IN
tUe cLYMPiC ECrtBiKe..."
Carpoons and Tire Assault Vehicles: Bad drivers will never be the same
Dave Barry
Columnist
Here’s the problem: If you
stop 100 people at random and
ask them to evaluate their driv
ing ability, every single one vvill
say “above average.”
It is a scientific fact that all
drivers, including those who
are going the wrong way on
interstate highways, believe
they are above average.
Obviously, this is impossible:
SOME drivers have to be be
low average. Not me, of course.
I am currently ranked fourth
among the top drivers in world
(history, between Mario
Andretti and Spartacus.
But there are many incompe
tent people out there on the
roads, changing speed and di
rection without warning, or
drifting along in the left, or
“passing,” lane at 23 miles per
hour, blinking their turn sig
nals, which they never turn off,
even in the garage.
These people make me crazy,
which is why I am so excited
about the car harpoon.
I found out about the car har
poon from an Associated Press
item, sent to me by many alert
readers, concerning the police
in the town of Oulu, Finland.
Finland (also know as “Nor
way”) is a northern European
nation that also contains a city
named “Espoo” (suggested civic
motto: “The City That Sounds
Like A Person Spitting”).
You might think that the big
gest traffic menace in Finland
would be unlicensed reindeer,
but the Oulu police have a prob
lem with speeders and drunk
drivers who refuse to stop.
That’s why police Sgt. Markku
Limingoj a invented the car har
poon.
This is a missile-shaped ob
ject, equipped with hydrauli-
cally activated barbs, that sticks
several feet out from the front
bumper of the police car. The
idea is that if the police are
chasing somebody, they ram
the harpoon into the fleeing
car’s trunk, activate the barbs
to keep the two cars stuck to
gether, then use their brakes to
stop both vehicles.
We definitely need the car
harpoon over here. Of course
we’d have to modify the con
cept slightly, as follows:
1. It would not be limited to
police cars. It would also be
available as an option on cars
operated by qualified civilian
drivers such as (needless to say)
yourself.
2. The civilian model car har
poon—which I assume would
be marketed under the name
“Carpoon”—would contain
additional features, including
a powerful public-address
system.
The Carpoon would greatly
enhance the driving experience.
Envision this scenario: You’re
behind a bad driver stopped at
a traffic light. The light turns
green, but the bad driver does
not move.
He was completely unpre
pared for the fact that—How
the heck would anybody know
thjs?—red would be followed
by green.
He’s sitting there, baffled,
like a person watching a drive-
in movie with a very compli
cated plot. You honk your horn,
but this has no effect on the
bad driver; people are ALWAYS
honking at him, and he never
knows why.
Suddenly—WHAM—the
bad driver feels a jolt. Then he
hears a very loud voice—your
voice—coming from inside his
car, saying: “EXCUSE ME!
THE LIGHT IS GREEN!
YOU CAN GO NOW!”
This announcement would be
followed, after a courtesy in
terval of one-tenth of a second,
by tear gas.
As a motorist, I want a
Carpoon NOW. And I’ll tell
you what else I want: A Tire
Assault Vehicle.
This is a real device that was
featured in a publication called
NASA Tech Briefs, sent in by
alert reader Robert Stolpe. The
Tire Assault Vehicle, or TAV,
is designed to protect humans
from high-pressure aircraft tires
that might explode.
Basically, the TAV is a re-
mote-controlled model tank
that has been modified to in
corporate a video camera on
top and an electric drill stick
ing out the front. The opera
tor, from a safe distance, drives
the TAV up to an aircraft tire
and drills a hole in it, safely
letting out the air.
You know how sometimes
you’re trying to find a space in
a crowded parking lot, and you
come to a car that some jerk has
deliberately parked diagonally
across two spaces?
Can you imagine the satisfac
tion you’d experience if, with
out even having to leave the
comfort and safety of your car,
you could drill holes in the
jerk’s tires?
But that would be wrong.
Property destruction is not the
solution.
No, it would be better to
take a deep breath, calm down,
wait patiently until the jerk
returns to his car, and then
drill holes in his shins.
Wouldn’t that be great?
That’s why you need to tell
your federal government to
stop nattering about air bags
and start providing you, the
above-average driver, with the
Tire Assault Vehicle, the
Carpoon and other technol
ogy (I am not ruling out
nuclear weapons) that you can
REALLY use.
So don’t wait! Write to your
congressperson NOW! Also,
press the accelerator, OK? The
light is green.