Page 2
The Blue Banner
December 71, 1996
The Blue
Banner
Editorial
Bah Humbug!
For the final editorial of the semester, the members of the
editorial board have decided to each address a few complaints,
some particular to this time of year, others that apply year-
round.
First of all, what in the hell do we»have to do to get a decent
radio station? Asheville has to have the only station in America
whose format could only consist of music that wasn’t played
when it was new because it was bad then, too. There are reasons
why bands like Asia and REO Speedwagon aren’t popular
anymore. Someone needs to pay attention to the reasons.
Secondly, why on God’s green earth should someone as
utterly repulsive and reprehensible as Michael Jackson be
allowed to reproduce? The news of the woman carrying his seed
was enough to relieve someone of his Thanksgiving meal. The
government should force sterilization in some cases, and the
case of Michael Jackson’s love child begs for it.
And how about car trouble? Only seems to happen when
you’re out of money, out of time to sit around and wait for a
mechanic to charge you hundreds of dollars, and out of patience
completely. And it’s Christmas, when you’re trying to save
money for people you actually care about, instead of a car and
a transmission.
Speaking of cars, does anyone in thiis city know how to drive?
There seems to be some lack of understanding about what the
turn signals are for. You’re supposed to use them before you
turn! Does the DMV even have that in the driver’s handbook
any more? There are those things, called stop signs. They mean
stop. There. Right there. Not ten yards past. Not ten yards
from. Right there.
On an entirely different tangent, the actions of certain UNCA
students must be addressed. Some students at this school need
to learn a certain amount of courtesy and respect for those
around them—namely certain Mountain Trace residents. Be
sides the weekly “get-togethers,” these people need to com
pletely eliminate their throw-down, exam-week parties. We
should be able to expect a certain amount of maturity from the
people who represent UNCA, and disturbing your neighbors
on a daily basis is far from that.
And why must Christmas be the season for getting together
with one’s family? Not all families are a joy to be with. In fact,
some families are simply so horrendous they inspire indigestion
before the holiday feast has even been consumed. Screaming
political matches, anyone? How about guilt trips from Grandma
about who will attend midnight mass? Uncles and aunts had too
much punch to drink and begin to rehash childhood argu
ments?
We’d rather spend Christmas with the Grinch.
Editorial Board
Catherine Elniff
Michael Taylor
Renee Slaydon
Jennifer Thurston
Jeanette Webb
Del DeLorm
The Blue Banner is the student newspaper of the University of North
CaroHna at Asheville. We publish each Thursday. Our offices are located
in Carmichael Hall, Room 208-A.
Our telephone number is (704) 251-6586. Our campus e-mail address is
banner@unca.edu. We re on-line, too. The address is http://www.unca.edu/
banner/
Nothing in our editorial or opinions sections necessarily reflects the
opinion of the entire Blue Banner editorial board, the faculty advisor, or
the university faculty, administration or staff.
Unsigned editorials reflect the opinion of a majority of the Blue Banner
editorial board. Letters, columns, cartoons and reviews represent only the
opinions of their respective authors.
The Blue Banner welcomes submissions of letters and articles for
publication. All submissions are subject to editing for clarity and content
and are considered on the basis of interest, space, taste, and timeliness.
Letters must be typed, double-spaced, and must not exceed 300 words.
Letters for publication must also contain the author’s signature, classifi
cation, major or other relationship with UNCA. The deadline for
letters and classifieds is noon on Tuesday. If you have a
submission, you can send it to The Blue Banner, 208A Carmichael
Hall, One University Heights, Asheville NC 28804
A merry X-Mas wish from the writing Wiccan
Kristi Howard
Columnist
Sing along with me, every
body. “There’s nothing like
home for the holidays.”
OK, you can stop singing
now. But really, there is noth
ing like going home for the
holidays, is there? What else
could cause such joy—and
such terrible agony?
Picture the scene—my
Grandmother’s house on X-
mas day. Fifty adults and
umpteen children packed into
a seven-room house, all trying
to talk at once. The events
you are about to read are real.
The names have been changed
to protect the innocent.
The entire Howard family
is, as I said, all trying to out
talk one another, when all of a
sudden, a collective “Shh!” fills
the air. This can only mean
one thing: my cousin David
has pried the turkey drum
stick out of his mouth long
enough to deliver his usual
fifteen-minute blessing.
Heads drop all over the house.
Being the only one in the
entire house without a bowed
head, I am in the dubiously
honorable position of seeing
everybody doing stuff they
don’t want to be seen doing.
My Uncle Pete, taking this
opportunity to pick his nose;
my Uncle Dan’s girlfriend
Rachael scratching herself in
an indelicate area; my ten year
old cousin Megan struggling
violently to adjust the bra she
has insisted on wearing since
she was eight.
At last, after many many min
utes of “and we thank thee, oh
Lord..,” David finally caps his
arduous sermon off with an
“Ahhhh-men” and makes a
beeline for the buffet. Every
one else follows. Much slurp
ing and clanging of plates and
silverware follows.
With the food comes spirited
conversation, namely me try
ing to explain to Megan and
Gwen, Rachael’s 11-year-old
daughter, why Wiccans don’t
celebrate Christmas, and why
we can’t fly around on broom
sticks and change our eye color
like those chicks in that movie
“The Craft”.
Usually when they realize that
we are nowhere near as excit
ing as the media makes us out
to be, they lose interest in that
line of questioning and instead
interrogate me as to whether
or not my boyfriend and I kiss
“with our tongues.” When I
reply in my usual candid fash
ion, they exclaim “EWWW
GROSS!!” in unison, and leave
me to my meatloaf, only occa
sionally asking me my opinion
of their newest “Teen Beat”
heartthrob, or whether I think
women ought to shave their
legs.
Then, with dinner out of the
way, there comes dessert:
chocolate pie, lemon pie, and
red velvet cake. Usually, I am
ashamed to say, I end up eat
ing a piece of each. I figure, if
I made it that far, I deserve a
treat.
Then, finally, everyone’s fa
vorite part—presents! Usu
ally everyone gets money, and
one pretty lame present from
whoever pulled your name out
of the pot. The worst gift I ever
got was a pale baby-pink cardi
gan made out of genuine North
American bath mat. Needless to
say that little article of clothing
didn’t stay in my wardrobe very
long.
Then, everyone winds down,
and X-mas, The Ordeal, is over
for another year.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m no
Scrooge. But the fact that X-
mas in general is a holiday that I
don’t celebrate, coupled with the
fact that I am constantly having
to explain why to members of
my family, makes me dread the
coming of the usually joyful and
present filled time.
However, X-mas break also,
gives everyone the opportunity
to rest, relax and recuperate from
the end of semester crunch. And
there are parts of the whole that
I really enjoy: Beautiful X-mas
(Yule) trees, roaring fires,
yummy food, and of course, pre
sents. Hey, I’m only human,
after all.
I hope everyone loves X-mas,
or at least loves the break, and
has a safe, happy holiday regard
less of their faith. Happy
Hanukah, Kwanzaa, Christmas,
everybody, and a warm and won
derful Yule.
Now that I’ve said that, I also
wanted to say that this is my last
column for The Blue Banner.
Next semester I will be moving
on to bigger and harder things in
my Mass Communication ma
jor. I have enjoyed writing this
column, and I hope all you happy
people out there have enjoyed
reading it.
I would like to extend a spe
cial thank you to Gary Birdsong
and the Forces of Ignorance,
on and off campus (you know
who you are). You make it so
easy for smart-asses like myself
to joke at your expense.
Birdsong, may your eyesight
not get any worse. Good luck
with your campaign to make
yourself a saint.
I have seen many things dur
ing my short semester as a col
umnist. High up among these
is the completion of the new
parking lot.- Though many
times it seemed like they, that
group of what looked like three
guys and a back hoe, were just
moving the dirt around to make
it look like they were working,
they finally came through.
Miracle of miracles, they man
aged to finish it up just in time
for break.
So what if back home I’ve
seen parking lots go up in three;
days. This new parking lot is|
especially nifty, with it’s cute!
little stone wall and adequate j
drainage. Ifl had a car, I would
be proud to park there.
Sorry, couldn’t resist that one
last opportunity to complain
in a crude and sarcastic fash
ion.
Anyway, I’ve said it once and
I’ll say it again: Have a great
Holiday, and be safe. There is
always time to designate a driver
(I should know, since I’m usu
ally it), so there is no excuse for
killing yourself over the break. |
Everybody remember to kiss
up to Santa!!!
The difference between Tori Spelling and Einstein
Editor-in-Chief
News Editor
Features Editor
Sports Editor
Copy Editor
Photo Editor
Staff
Rafrica Adams, Bob Buchanan, Aimee Campbell, Brad Davis,
John Hodges, Trish Johnson, Jay Malinoski, Kyle S. Phipps,
Mark Plemmons, St. Claire Ready, Alex Self, Jason Wicks,
Monica Williams
Wendy McKinney Advertising Manager
Marissa DeBlasio Business Manager
Thomas Estes Circulation Manager
Regular Contributors
Brian Castle, Nate Conroy, James Hertsch, Kristi Howard,
Sarah Lacy, Catharine Sutherland
Mark West, faculty advisor
Dave Barry
Columnist
Is your hairstyle important?
To answer that question, let’s
consider the starkly different
career paths of two individu
als: Albert Einstein and Tori
Spelling.
Tori Spelling is a top celeb
rity and highly successful tele
vision star, despite having the
natural acting prowess of a
Salad Shooter. Why? Because
she always has a neat, modern
hairstyle. Also her father pro
duces every show on televi
sion except the test pattern.
But her hair is surely a factor.
In contrast, Albert
Einstein—despite being a bril
liant genius who not only dis
covered the Theory of Rela
tivity (“E equals H20”) but
also prepared his own tax re
turns— never so much as ap
peared on “Hollywood
Squares.” He auditioned re
peatedly but the talent coor
dinators always turned him
down.
“What was that on his head?”
they’d ask each other, after he
left the studio. “A yak?”
So we see that hairstyle is
very important. This is true
even in the animal kingdom.
Baboons, for example, spend
countless ours grooming each
other, applying conditioners,
combing fur over the bald
spots on their butts, and using
all the other little styling tricks
that make them the confident,
successful and cosmopolitan
creatures that they are, equally
at home on a rotting zebra car
cass as on a rotting giraffe car
cass.
It is not different with hu
mans. If you have a lunch
meeting with an important
potential business client, you
are definitely going to make a
strong impression if you reach
over and pick a live insect out
of his or her hair. But it also
helps if you have a nice hair
style.
Unfortunately, a lot of
people—and here I am think
ing of women-—hate their own
hair.
In my experience, when a
woman looks at herself in a
mirror, even if her hairstyle is
really nice, she sees Chewbacca.
Men, on the other hand, tend
to feel positive about their hair.
Even if a man has a grand total
of only four hairs left, he will
grow them to the length of
extension cords and carefully
arrange them so they are run
ning exactly parallel, two
inches apart, across his other
wise stark-naked skull, and he
will look at himself and think,
“Whoa, these four hairs are
looking GOOD.”
But whether you’re a woman
or a man, you should know the
basics of hairstyle manage
ment, as presented here in the
popular Q and A format:
Q. How can I have really nice
hair?
A. If you look at the models in
commercials for hair-care
products, you’ll notice that
their hair is thick, glossy, lus
trous, and manageable. What’s
their secret? It’s simple: They
were born with nice hair. That’s
why they are professional hair
models, whereas you and the
late Albert Einstein are not.
Q. Should balding white men
shave their heads, the way many
African-American men, such as
Michael Jordan, do?
A. No. It’s not fair, but the
simple truth is that balding Afri-
can-American men look cool
when they shave their heads,
whereas balding white men look
like giant thumbs.
Q. Why is it that some older
women, when their hair starts to
turn gray, instead of dyeing it
back to whatever natural-look
ing shade it originally was, de
cide to dye it roofing-tar black
or traffic-cone orange, which are
colors normally associated with
Halloween?
A. Apparently it is some kind of
sorority initiation.
Q. What is the best way to style
my hair?
A. You are asking the wrong
person. I’ve been trying for over
40 years, with absolutely no suc
cess, to get my hair to form a
simple part. All I want is a basic
straight line, such as can be found
on A1 Gore, the vice president,
and Ken, the doll.
So every morning, right after
my shower, I attempt to style
my hair with a brush and a hair
dryer. I cannot begin to tell you
how hilarious my hair thinks
this is.
You’ve heard of “free-range”
chicken, right? Well, I have
“free-range” hair. It laughs gaily
and dances in the blow-dryer
breezd, humming “Born Free.”
When I’m done, it looks ex
actly the same as when I started.
It is no closer to forming a part
than Dom DeLuise is to win
ning the Olympic pole vault.
Q. When you were in New
York on a book tour several
years ago, did you briefly find
yourself in the same television-
studio makeup room as Bar
bara Walters?
A. Yes.
Q. What is her styling secret?
A. Enough hair spray to im
mobilize a buffalo.
Q. Speaking of famous celeb
rities, did Madonna discuss any
hair-related issues in her diary
published in the November is
sue of “Vanity Fair?”
A. Yes. On page 224, Ma
donna had this to say about
acting in movies: “People sit
around all day scrutinizing you,
turning you from left to right,
whispering behind the camera,
cutting your nose hairs. . .”
Q. Madonna has NOSE
HAIRS?
A. You wouldn’t believe.
Sometimes she requires a ma
chete.
Q. What about Princess Diana?
A. She is known, around the
beauty salon, as “Weasel Nos
trils.”
Q. That would be a good name
for a rock band.
A. Yes.
Q. In conclusion, what is the
one word that describes the key
to a successful hairstyle?
A. “Hat.”