Newspapers / University of North Carolina … / Dec. 11, 1996, edition 1 / Page 3
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December 11,1996 The Blue Banner Dear Margarita, person in our school’s drama , My boyfriend likes to wear my department, but I am always I underwear. I noticed that blackballed, or if I am cast, I I whenever he visits me, my panty get bit roles. It angers me to see S drawer is always disheveled, girls, who are pitiful actresses, I Once, I caught him admiring get roles that I should have. I himself in the mirror wearing am thinking of transferring to one of my lace thongs. What Julliard or School of the Arts if should I do? I don’t want to things do not change. Or, I embarrass him, but he’s stretch- may even leave school alto- ing the elastic in all of my pant- gether, and become a profes- ies. sional actress. Am I being petty? -Hot Pants Or have they not realized my , true genius? Dear Hot Pants, -Prima Donna Well, how did he look in them? „ I would only be upset or con- Dear Prima Donna, cerned if he looked ridiculous You have got to be kidding, and disgusting. But, if he looks right? No one on this earth is like a Greek god, then buy him that cocky, except me, but I some more thongs. You are have a reason to be. You obvi- getting freaked over nothing, ously suck as an actress. Face it, : He is basically complementing darling. When others are cast I your taste, he is wearing YOUR instead of you, there is always a ; underwear. He is so impressed reason. Are you angry because I with your eye for fashion, that you slept with the director, and 1 he wants to dress just like you. nothing came of it, except the 1 think that it is a very sweet director? Aww, poor baby. Fur- gesture. Hot Pants, you need thermore, if you can’t get roles to support him. Be a good sport, at UNCA, what makes you and buy him some thongs, in think you can get roles in the his own size, for X-Mas. real world? Maybe you should go to some acting classes, or Dear Margarita, something. Reevaluate your I have a severe dilemma. I know talents, because maybe you that I am the most talented don’t have any. Talking condoms? (CPS)-A condom manufacturer The Marc Snyder Company, is warning customers its stock- which makes the talking pro- ing stuffer might give recipi- phylactics, announced that ents . . .er . . . the wrong mes- 1,000 condoms with the wrong sage. message were mistakenly sent A batch of talking condoms to retailers, bound for a Las Vegas conven- “We wanted people to know tion were mistakenly sent to about our bonehead mistake,” various mail-order catalogs and company founder Marc Snyder drug stores. told reporters. “Somebody once Instead of a cheerful “Merry told me that some things are Christmas,” the talking funny and sad. That’s what this condoms say “Thanks for your is.” business.” Finally, a Christmas poem that truly fits the magic of the season Dave Barry Columnist ‘Twas the night before Christmas Or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or whatever reli gious holiday your particular family unit cel ebrates at this time of the year via mass retail purchases And all through the house Not a creature was stirring Except Dad, who was stirring his third martini In a losing effort to remain in the holiday mood As he attempted to assemble a toy for his 9- year-old son, Bobby It was a highly complex toy A toy that Dad did not even begin to grasp the purpose of A toy that cost more than Dad’s first car A toy that was advertised relentlessly on TV with a little statement in the corner of the TV screen that said “SOME ASSEMBLY RE QUIRED” Which was like saying that the Titanic sus tained “some water damage” Because this toy had more parts than the Space Shuttle And speaking of space Dad was now convinced that extraterrestrial life did indeed exist Because the assembly instructions were clearly written by beings from another galaxy And these beings insisted on Phillips screw drivers And Dad could not find his Phillips screw driver In fact, he was wondering who “Phillips was And why he needed a different kind of screw driver than everybody else That was the festive holiday thought that Dad was thinking as he took a slug from his martini and attempted to attach Part 3047-b to Part 3047-c Using a steak knife But other than that, not a creature was stirring in the house Although Mom was definitely stirring OUT of the house Mom was at the Toys “R” Us store In fact, this was the fifth Toys “R” Us store that Mom had been to that night In her desperate quest to find the one thing that their 5-year-old daughter, Suzy, wanted this holiday season It was, of course, a Barbie doll But, not just ANY Barbie doll It had to be the new model Abdominals Barbie The one who came with her own little pink stomach- muscle-exercise device It was the hot test Barbie doll of all this holiday season Every girl age 3 through 12 in the entire United States HAD have it Or her holiday season would be RUINED And so of course the Mattel Corporation Which was run by evil trolls from hell Had manufactured exactly eight units of this doll And the very last one in the world was in this particular Toys “R” Us Because on this same festive night Thousands of other frantic parents had con verged on this same store Kind of like the flesh-eating zombies in the movie “Night of the Living Dead” Only less ethical The store was a war zone Mom had to fight her way into the doll aisle Where, wielding a Tonka Truck like a club she claimed her prize And then, trailed by a screaming mob of rival parents, to she raced from the store, leaped into her car and roared out of the parking lot Barely missing the Salvation Army person She raced back to the house, burst through the front door and staggered into the family room Where she found Dad Actually she found Dad’s feet The rest of Dad was under the sofa A strange gurgling sound was coming from down there Dad, now on his fifth martini Was trying to strangle the dog Which, Dad was convinced, had eaten Part 8675-y And just at that very mo ment Out on the lawn there arose such a clatter That Dad let go of the dog And he and Mom went to the window to see what was the matter And what to their wondering eyes should ap pear But Santa Claus, yelling the names of reindeer “Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now Vixen! Now . . . Umm . . . Dancer!” “He already said Dancer,” observed Dad “He can’t remember them all,” said Mom “I think one of them is Pluto,” said Dad “Wasn’t Pluto the guy who was always fighting Popeye?” said Mom * “You’re thinking of Bluto,” said Dad “Now . . . Umm . . . Now Flicka!” said Santa “Flicka was a horse, that I DO know, “said Mom “Do you think the reindeer are wrecking the lawn?” said dad “They’re going up on the roof,” said Mom “Like hell they are,” said dad, who had recently spent $875 on shingle repair But before he could yell at St. Nicholas to stop Down the chimney the jolly elf came with a plop He had a broad face and a round little belly That shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly Which was pretty gross “What’s so funny?” asked Dad “You two,”*said St. Nick. “Why are you get ting all upset about toys? The holiday season isn’t about material possessions!” “Do you have any kids?” asked Mom “Well, no,” said Santa “Hah,” said Mom “But I am beloved by children the world over,” said Santa “Well,” said Dad, “you won’t be beloved by our son if I can’t assemble this toy” “What seems to be the problem?” said Santa, coming over to have a look “I’m stuck on Step 824,” said Dad “Who wrote these instructions?” asked Santa. “Martians?” “Apparently,” said Dad “I used to be pretty good with tools,” said Santa. “Hand me that steak knife” “Sure,” said Dad. “Care for a martini?” “Heck yes,” said Santa And so he went to work And after a while Mom and Dad, exhausted, went to bed Leaving old St. Nick in the family room He said some pretty unsaintly words But he eventually got Bobby’s toy assembled And although he spent so much time that he was unable to visit the rest of the little boys and girls in North America Not to mention South America, Europe, Asia and Africa This particular household had a very happy Christmas morning indeed When Suzy came downstairs and saw Abdominals Barbie And Bobby came downstairs and saw his in credibly complex toy Which he broke in under four minutes A new holiday record But it was still a festive day Especially when Mom and Dad told the fan tastic story of their late-night visitor THE Crossword ACROSS 1 Neck napkins 5 Unhappy B old cowhand...” 12 Suit to — 13 Fruit drinks 15 Egypt's river 16 Rent again 18 Mona — 19 Move smoothly 20 Errs 23 Motored 24 —Diego 25 Bog 29 Giggly sounds 33 Came up 34 On the ijriny 35 Statute 36 Disencumbers 37 Less in numbers 39 Excavation 40 Foot appendage 41 Burrowing mammal 42 Davis or Midler 43 Noisy sleepers 45 Most recent 46 Exist 47 Above 49 Succeeds 55 Caron film 56 Comparison word 57 Make very happy 59 — even keel 60 Kind 61 Man on a pedestal 62 Trill 63 Legal n:iatter 64 Armored vehicle 49 50 52 53 54 ® 1996 Tribune Media Services, inc All rights reserved S1GNE PHILADELPHIA DAILY NEWS PhilacielDhia USA ANSWERS 11 Fresh 14 More impudent 17 Effectively concise 21 Distress signal at sea 22 British farewell 25 Trading centers 26 Sky hunter 27 Western show 28 Fool 29 Mao —tung 30 Upper crust 31 Carries on 32 Sugary 34 Wonder 37 Wooded areas 38 City railways 39 Encountered 41 Only 42 Wilkes—, PA 44 Gardener's chore 45 Part of a journey 47 Chicago's airport lETMEGUtSS VJHICH PESK I IS MIME. DOWN 1 Legally stop 2 Small piece of news 3 Lugosi of films 4 Search 5 Side dish 6 — a dozen 7 Arnaz of lelevision 8 Babe 9 Cow’s product 10 Medicinal plant 48 Airs 49 Kind of skirt 50 Ladd or Alda 51 Thunder god 52 Landed 53 Artistic movement 54 British school 55 — Angeles, CA 58 Antlered animal 5TAMPEPE T'feV)ee¥^ ' US^m^V^is ■WnwVsVi ■kxrtViydi^" Bed,! No alwcr/s VH! You’rt USiirtg My purple •mkbruih! iKVgW-ttrt- "tcDftlViKVsliivMJ ffor/fns OQO! ■AS ■fcotVibnKH?! Ws is My iootVilarxiih!
University of North Carolina at Asheville Student Newspaper
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Dec. 11, 1996, edition 1
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