Page 2
The Banner
Opinions
December 10,1998
The Banner
Editorial
Wann breath
Following the Force
“A scholarly background, experience in higher education
administration, deep commitment to the liberal arts and the
ability to articulate the liberal arts mission.”
The requirements our new chancellor must meet are daunting,
indeed, not to mention all the problems he or she will inherit
from Chancellor Patsy Reed’s administration — teachers work
ing without contracts, lack of parking, unfinished construction,
the Division I Athletics sinkhole ... yadda, yadda, yadda.
Issues such as these shaped the 1998 fall semester, and it’s
understandable if our readers have tired of hearing about them
week after week. However, close your ears for a second, and
you’ll notice that the strangest thmgs go on behmd closed
doors.
rhe UNCA Chancellor Search Committee has determined
that the A.T. Kearney executive search firm is best qualified to
select our school’s next leader. The firm has 28 offices in over
16 countries worldwide, but not one in Asheville, where the
root of our school’s problems is.
Ask SGA President Alphonso Donaldson, supposedly the
strongest student voice at UNCA, why this school’s pockets
have just gotten thinner once again, and he’ll tell you his “class
conflicts” kept your voice from being heard. Gee, thanks, Al.
We appreciate your dedication to scholarly pursuits, but while
you were jotting down notes, an empty chair voiced our concerns.
Now, we’re about to shell out $50,000 plus expenses for the
opinion of a nationally-based executive firm who knows less
about UNCA’s student needs than the representatives we elect
and the administration who governs oi« short stay at this
institution of higher learning.
Here’s a suggestion: form a committee with more than one
student who will actually be affected day-to-day by the selection
of the new chancellor. After all, each day they suffer the blun
ders of an outgoing administration that didn’t stick around to
complete the “liberal arts mission.”
Crash diet
Dear Santa,
Just writing to let you know that we, the campus organiza
tions at UNCA, have been very good this semester. We’ve tried
to serve the students at UNCA the best we can, and it is only
fair that we be compensated for our endeavors. So, here is our
“wish list.” We hope you will remember how good we’ve been
and make our wishes come true. By the way, has anyone ever
told you that you look a lot like Patsy Reed with a beard?
Wouldn’t it be great if we could just wish for anything and it
would happen? Wish for there to be enough professors and
adjuncts available to teach enough classes so UNCA can keep
them small, wish for construction projects to be finished on
time, wish for enough parking spaces for all the cars, and it is
magically so. We could start our own Make-A-Wish Founda
tion.
Alas, there is always something or someone lurking in the
shadows to make sure that someone will always pay for someone
else’s gain. In order for campus organizations to receive the
increased funding they desire, students must pay an additional
$50 in fees in the fall of 1999.
While campus organizations do need more money as more
students are brought in, so that they can continue to serve them
effectively, some areas, such as a $1 5 increase in parking fees,
seem unecessary. There is, of course, a great need for more
parking at UNCA, but just how many students are going to be
willing to pay for parking decks they will only use if they ever
join the Center for Creative Retirement? If UNCA wants to do
major construction where parking is concerned, then it should
focus some of its fundraising monies on achieving that goal.
Plans for a personal security pager system for students is also a
frivolous idea, mainly because the cost for such a system is just
not practical for UNCA. Even if the cost were less, UNCA is
ranked consistently as one of the safest campuses in the state,
and a security pager system is not going to make that much
difference in keeping students safe.
For UNCA, having to pay student fees that are actually
reasonable is as much a fantasy as Santa Claus. We want to keep
our campus organizations well-funded, but when we continu
ally pay the highest student fees in the UNC system, it’s hard to
keep that perspective. The best gift the administration could
give UNCA students is a determined effort to try and at least
keep student fees at their present rate. Instead, we will have to
put up with another lump of coal with a UNCA logo on it.
Banner Christmas picks
Albums to give that special someone to let them know you care-
Erin King; “Mark West Posits the Blues,” Mark West, composer
Amelia Morrison; Dancing Outlaw,” soundtrack
Andrew Pearson; Radiance,” Athenaeum
Chris Garner: “Busted On the Way to L.A.,” Nikki Rose
Travis Barker; “Fight for Your Mind,” Ben Harper
Nicole Miller; “Hits of the Eighties: Vol I-infinity”
Ben Weigand; Backstreet Boys,” Backstreet Boys
Matt Hunt; “N’Sync,” N’Sync
Susan Johnson; “Follow the Leader,” Korn
Ralph Biggs, R.I.P.; a Memoir
Justin
Stein
columnist
With David Rotlinian
Justin Stein and David Rothman sit
down on Justin’s front porch and
press ‘record’ on the tape deck.
Justin: So, what should our parting
shot, our last will and testament be
about?
David: Well, I think we should ar
least attempt to be amusing.
J: Have you ever attempted to
be amusing? It seems like it
always just happens.
D: No kidding? Why is that?
J: You’reJewish. TheJudaism thing
gets ‘em every time.
D: You think people just find Jews
funny?
J: Hilarious.
D: Really?
J: Yeah. Because they hate them.
People hatejews and so they wanna’
just laugh and fool themselves into
thinking they don’t actually hate
Jews.
D: Really?
J: Don’t you think so?
D: No...I mean, I hadn’t realized...
J: You should try it sometime.
D: You do realize that your dry
sarcasm doesn’t translate clearly to
print, right? We need to buckle
down. This is our last chance to say
something to the UNCA commu
nity.
J: Or, more accurately, to the ten
people who read The Banner.
D: Or even more accurately, to the
four people who read our columns.
J: I think this is actually more for
ourselves.
D: Yeah?
J; I envision this more as a piece to
which I can look back on in 10
years while thinking about my
relationship with you.
D: Awww. That’s sweet, Justin.
J; More a testament to the friend
ship than anything really for other
people.
D: So what defines our relation
ship? A mutual admiration of the
Professors Mullen? Humanistic
concerns? Grooming problems?
J: Nah. Weshare those with a lot of
people.
D: So how do we go about scribing
a memoir of our friendship?
J: It’s totally egotistical any way we
look at it, so we may as well em
brace that egotism. What is it that
you and I offer the UNCA commu
nity that others don’t? What is
unique about the contributions of
Justin Stein and David Rothman?
D: Unrepentant leftist rhetoric?
J; Well, Belk Professor Mark P.
Gibney does refer to us as ‘the so
cialist corner.’
D: Yeah, but you’re only a socialist
because the Baha’i faith is socialism
plus monotheism.
J: But in a command economy...
D: Can we avoid economics? Your
knowledge far exceeds mine in that
field.
J: Yeah. Wedon’twanna’ talkabout
economics anyway.
-Pause-
J; We could talk about Toby.
D: Prosky? What could you say
about Toby Prosky?
J: I could tell the story of how I met
him a few years ago when he was
waiting tables at Ike’s International.
He was the most animated waiter
I’d ever seen.
D; You never saw me wait tables.
J: True, but Toby was beaming.
D: “Beaming?”
J: BEAMING. He was the happi
est waiter. He was so happy to be
serving us our sandwiches.
D: Well, as Toby’s only available
proxy and roommate, I feel com
pelled to assure you that not only
was he probably just pushing for a
fat tip, but also that the light that
may once have emanated like sefirot
from Toby has been severely al
tered by his intense academic and
intellectual pursuits. He’sabad-ass
philosophy guy now. It would be
improprietous for a bad-ass phi
losophy guy to go around constantly
beaming at everyone.
J: We could talk about Amy.
D: Desatel? Your girlfriend? Hie
brilliant and superhumanly kind
artiste?
J: Yeah.
D: I don’t know, Justin. It seems
out of character for either of us to
pull this kind of switch on folks.
Social commentary, content, social
commentary, my girlfriend.
J: Well, what do we want to leave
The Banner with?
D: Columnists who can write? A
copy of Strunk and White’s “Ele
ments of Style?”
J; I don’t know what that is.
D: It’s a book about writing well.
J: I don’t like books about writing.
They’re pretentious.
-Pause-
D; WTiat advice can we give to
UNCA students?
J: Take classes from Dwight Mullen,
Ed Katz, and Dee James.
D; As well as from Keith Bramlett,
Mike Ruiz, and Mark P. Gibney.
J: So, what is it that sets them apart
as instructors?
D: They demand more from their
students than regurgitation. They
want their students to actually think
and question and speak.
J: Wait...are we going to offend any
of our teachers by not mentioning
them? Some might be driven to
tears.
D; Like who?
J: Bill Sabo. I think Bill Sabo would
be the first compelled to weep.
D; Nonsense. Sabo tough. Sabo
strong. Sabo not give rat’s ass what
pissants Stein and Rothman write.
J; He’s more delicate than you think.
-Pause-
J: Maybe we should write a eulogy
for Ralph Biggs, undeclared fresh
man.
D; Oh, we should. That kid, in his
brilliant letters, leveled his enemies
with an unequaled sharpness of
tongue and wit.
J: And he stood up for what he
believed in.
D: God bless Ralph Biggs...I’d be
afraid of him had he ever actually
existed.
-Pause-
D: What would you change about
UNCA?
J: We have no books! We should
have a library!
D: We do have a library.
J: We do not have a library. We
have those little bookshelves over at
the end of the quad. We blow a
fortune on athletics, but every time
I do a research paper 1 have to use
interlibrary loan to get the books I
need from some other school! Who’s
deciding the allocation of funds?
They’re out of touch!
D: Out of touch with what?
J: Priorities!
D: Nonsense. They’re very in touch
with their priorities. To them, ath
letics are the first priority.
J; No, out of touch with the right
priorities. My priorities. We could
spend athletics money on books,
the art department, or new desks
instead of those crappy lil’ kinder
garten plastic things.
D: What else would you change?
J: My ideal change, were I omnipo
tent, would be to change the hearts
and attitudes of people at UNCA.
I’d want to try and engender a more
loving and familial attitude in
people towards each other.
D: But you want that for the whole
world.
J; Sure, but why not start at UNCA?
D: Because that would leave no role
for obnoxious, caustic bastards like
me.
J: Point. Say goodbye, David.
D: Goodbye, David!
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College's enlightening aspects
Colleges are the consistent jet
streams of thought, but of late it
seems as though they may be mere
weathervanes. What new ideas may
blow in the ever-changing winds of
time? In search of knowledge, I set
out upon the universities of our
nation, the fountainheads of
thought. Let us see what gems of
knowledge this here spring has to
offer.
Some students and I were sitting
outside on the brick patio of an area
college, observing one young kid
who was enjoying the view from
the awning above the dorm door
way. He was hoppin’ around up
there, shoutin’ and enjoying his lot
in life as the campus loon, until one
of my patio mates yelled up to him.
“Hey man, that roof is mung.”
Mung? I did not know that this
word existed.
My friend was sitting next to me
so I whispered into his ear, “Mung?”
“Yeah, dude,” said the long-
Paul
Schuler
columnist
haired, bloodshot bohemian. “It’s
just nasty, you know, gross.”
“Interesting,” I thought to myself
“I don’t need pretentious language.
Simply stating an object as ‘mungy’
suffices to relegate any object into a
temporal state of disfavor, which it
can be lifted out of by ‘kicking ass,’
or inspiring someone to cry ‘hell
yes.’”
Then these other kids and I got to
talking about some of the teachers
at the school. The loon didn’t seem
to think much of teachers.
He said, “Yeah, most of my high
school teachers sucked. They didn’t
know anything. I remember this
one time this teacher gave me an ‘E’
on my paper ‘cause I used the word
ass’ in it. Well, what of that man?”
“What indeed,” I said, as it was
the only reply I could conjure at
that moment.
Yeah, but anyway,” he arduously
continued in his garbled manner of
speech, “my teachers here are pretty
cool, especially this one guy. He’s
fat. He's gay, too.”,
“What’s so good about that?” I
said.
“Naw man, that ain’t it. He’s got
the nuggets, man.” As if that was
supposed to clarify my confusion.
“The nuggets, huh?” I responded
insidiously.
“Who’s that, man?” asked one of
the other bloodshot fellows in the
room. Apparently, the word “nug
gets” had piqued his interest.
“He’s that big fat guy, sometimes
he hangs around the drama depart
ment.”
“Really, dude. Yeah, I think I know
the guy. He’s got nuggets, man? No
joke?”
“Yeah, we smoked up the other
day. It was cool, man, smoking up
with a teacher.”
Oh. I got it. Nuggets were obvi
ously another in a already crowded
group of synonyms for pot.
They, of course, used that word
for the next hour or so, describing
each and every member of the
school’s relationship to the word.
There is a royally large amount of
money being wasted to send people
somewhere they aren’t even sure
they want to be. Or perhaps there is
a great amount of money being
spent sending people somewhere
they want to be, under the grand
illusion that something entirely dif
ferent than I have described is go
ing on.
I can’t help but note the T-shirt
I’ve seen around the campus
proudly brandishing the top 10
things about being in college. I
think fi ve was something to the
effect of, “It’s a subsidized party. ”
i’m not sure whether it was fol
lowed up by “dude” or not. Any
how, I have no problem with the
parties — wish there were more in
fact - but 1 fear that colleges are
becoming too saturated with people
who don’t really need to be there.
Which isn’t to say they don’t need
to be somewhere, but let’s just say
Greek literature is not a necessity in
their lives.
I fear that, rather than elevating
the average, such a system more
effectively diffuses the movements
that historically have become so
necessary in moving our country
along. College campuses are usu
ally the catalysts for essential re
form and fresh insight. Without
that catalyst, who’s going to stop
the world from becoming a nuclear
garbage can? Who’s going to stop
the world from becoming a global
billboard for an American culture
that doesn’t exist? Who’s going to
fill that cultural vacuum currently
occupied by MTV and the
Playstation generation?
College today no longer seems to
be the hotbed capable of reforming
such social ills. Rather, it is the
bedfellow of a societ)' with one eye
on the dollar, and the other on a
choice piece of booty.
I must confess, I do play the odd
video game (Madden ’95 for the
Sega Genesis).;In fact, it is part of
my daily roudne. To think I once
reckoned myself an intellectual.
quii
off,