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The Blue Banner
November 8,200
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NIONS
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An effort to ‘save the village people’
Jennifer Dorich
Columnist
As a concerned member of the
UNCA community, it is my duty
to warn my fellow students of an
impending threat to their freedom,
well-being, and sanity.
During October, a violent coup
took place in the Governors’ Vil
lage, orchestrated by an oligarchic
regime known to us only by the
name “American Southern.”
American indeed! This extreme
band of terrorists has forced count
less sufferings on the helpless people
of our small village community.
Each morning, regime leaders
gather troops and put their war
machines to work. With these ma
chines, they create new, random
patterns of walls, fences and moats.
Obviously, this is part of their plot
to confuse us into submission.
Have you any idea what it is like
living within a labyrinth that
changes on a daily basis? Why,
sometimes I practically expect to
meet a minotaur on my way to
class!
Clearly, these insane fundamen
talists are trying to turn back our
cultural progress. Labyrinths, moats
— soon we will all be vassals to these
feudal lords.
And what of the complete segre
gation of Ashe and Hoey halls? As
of late, there have been no docu
mented cases of Ashe or Hoey vil
lagers infected with either anthrax
or the bubonic plague, yet they
placed a moat before the entrance
to our buildings to seclude us.
Now, they’ve gone so far as to
separate us from the rest of our
village by means of a great orange
wall.
I, for one, have had quite enough
of this totalitarian regime dictating
our paths and separating friends
and families.
I am tired of crossing an unsteady
footbridge to travel from one vil
lage building to another.
Of course, we villagers are accus
tomed to a relatively poor standard
of living compared to the rest of the
campus. Often, we do without hot
water, electricity, and properly func
tioning indoor plumbing.
We patiently weather the heat of
summer without the benefit of cli
mate control. There comes a time
when enough is enough.
The constant destruction caused
by this careless regime may eventu
ally lead to the loss of suitable habi
tat for hundreds of village people.
Please don’t just stand by while
such atrocities go unpunished. If
we hope to succeed, we will need
the help of many brave freedom
fighters.
We will also require the generous
financial contributions of villagers
and sympathizers. Every little bit
helps. You may send checks, money
orders, cash, credit cards or jewelry
to: Save the Village People, 204
HOH, UNC-Asheville.
We aren’t certain how we will
combat this threat. It is our hope
that, depending on the benevolence
of our donors, we might even be
able to hire a military strategist to
plot our retaliation.
Be assured, I will not rest (except
for about six hours a night with an
occasional nap during the day) un
til these autocrats have been stripped
of their power to torment and ter
rorize. However, while the evil ones
are in control, I will offer a few
safety tips for traveling through the
village:
1) Do not let small children or
friends of short stature travel alone.
Should they happen to slip and
fall into one of the moats, they may
never be seen again. They may also
be eaten by the minotaur.^
2) Do not feed the moat creatures;
not even the cute ones. They will
become large, outgrow the moats,
and take up residence in our bathmbs.
3) If you venture to Ashe or Hoey
halls, be sure to have all your vacci
nations.
Since they’ve already quarantined
us, it’s possible that they’re plan
ning to infea us and see what happens.
4) As always, beware of the “Ro
dents of Unusual Size.”
I hope everyone living or traveling
within this shattered region will
take care, and the community will
continue to be supportive of the
poor villagers in their time of
need.
“Of course, we villagers are accustomed to
a relatively poor standard of living com
pared to the rest of the campus. Often, we
do without hot water, electricity, and prop
erly functioning indoor plumbing. ”
Editorials
Administrative nonsense
One of the strengths of UNCA is that student input is
actually valued by the administrative people around
campus.
We have our nice little surveys they give us after every
semester, so we can feel like we have had some chance to
voice the weaknesses of any professors or classes we find
wanting.
Unfortunately, there is no system in place where we can
readily voice those opinions about the administrative
staff that seem to revel in passing the buck when it
comes to having to do work to solve problems.
There are hundreds of outstanding administrative
employees here at UNCA. However, it often seems that
any time something needs to be done, the phrase of the
day is "I wish I could help you with that."
God forbid anyone should ever have to buy a copy-card
in Ramsey Library with anything other than exact
change. Copy services seems to be a brand new office
simply for the purpose of pointing out the copy-card
machine across the room.
It is next to impossible to get money owed to you by the
school on any day other than the one day a month they
fire up the check machine.
One would think, with all the computers and machines
we pay for, there would be some provision to have some
kind of paper substance and a pen for emergency cases.
No one seems to claim responsibility for any of the
obstacles that keep anything from ever being done.
This school always talks about improvements on a
grand scale. It always seems some building on campus is
in the process of renovation or replacement.
At some point we should look at fixing the human
infrastructure within those buildings instead of replacing
cinderblocks.
Much of the problems of the administrative regime are
rooted in the bureaucracy of the paperwork. When
someone says, "I wish I could help you with that," they
obviously mean what they say.
However, the problems of the bureaucracy are still a
creation of the administration, and someone should try
to help somewhere along the line.
There should be some course of action open to students
to voice their opinions about the shortfalls of the admin
istration that exists to provide services for us.
Stajf member of the week
Congratulations to Rae Stephens of the news depart
ment, The Blue Banner’s Staff Member of the Week.
An uneven playing field
Is there an unlevel playing field in the UNCA intramu
ral sports program? While most students tend to agree
that having intramural sports is great for the school
because it allows students, faculty and staff alike to
exercise, be competitive and have fun, several students
have voiced their disappointment in the way the pro
gram is conducted.
Some of these complaints stem from questionable bias
of certain teams that compete in the intramural games
with an unfair advantage. This begs the question of who
should be eligible to participate in intramural sports.
According to the UNCA recreation department guide
lines, the rule for intramural eligibility is you must be a
student, faculty or staff member at UNCA.The problem
with this rule is the UNCA recreation department's
definition of a "student."
A few students in the past, as well as current ones, now
have voiced their displeasure with students who orga
nize intramural teams with UNCA graduates or other
talented athletes who are not full-time students, but still
register for one three-hour class in order to be eligible for
the team. Class attendance is not even required.
This is mostly prevalent in intramural flag-football and
basketball, due to the fact that the winner of those sports
get the chance to compete in regional intramural compe
tition in Chapel Hill or Wilmington.
If this is truly the case, that certain teams are picking up
ringers just to earn a trip to regional competition, are
these teams not cheating actual full-time students out of
an opportunity to win?
The second complaint is an even louder one from
participants.Many conflicts of interest have occurred in
the officiating of intramural games. It is not uncommon
for a fraternity member to officiate games played by his
own fraternity.
Not unlike this phenomenon, it has been the case before
to have a girlfriend keeping score for her boyfriend's
game.
All too often, the balance has been tipped in the favor of
the Greek organizations when it comes to the scheduling
of intramural games. Many non-Greek intramural sports
teams have had to bend over backwards, even at the last
minute, to appease the Greek schedule.
A solution to this could be to make a better effort of
advertising intramural sports council meetings, so con
cerned students can voice their complaints.
Even though intramural sports are supposed to be fun,
there is no reason why they should not be fair.
The Blue Banner Staff
Editor-in-Chief
Lena Burns
News Editor
Features Editor
Sports Editor
Photo Editor
Copy Editor
Online Editor
Assistant Online Editor
Advertising Manager
Business Manager
Circulation Manager
Photo Technology Manager
Computer Consultant
Faculty Advisor
Mark West
Luke Knox
Rachel Grumpier
Deleon Dendy
Walter Fyler
Sarah Wilkins
CJ. Eland
Holly Koss
Emily Schell
Dearborn McCorkle
Matt Deal
J.P. Ammons
Breandan Dezendorf
Reporters
Lori Brenner, Hollie Childers, Lana Coffey,
Megan Fazekas, Ed Fickle, Lynne Fox, Stuart
Gaines, Sachie Godwin, Sarah-Vance Goodman,
Jenna Lahmeyer, Margaret Lee, Ben Martin,
Alison McKone, Rae Stephens, Sarah Wilkins,
Ryan Wilson
Photographers
Lou Horton, Erik Jacobson,
Drea Jackson, James Pritchitt
Columnist
Jennifer Dorich
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