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The Clarion
Tuesday, March 29
1983
Chairs Missing
The Drama Department has reported that two arm
chairs and a make-up chair, used as production props,
have been recently stolen.
Drama Department coordinator Mr. Sam Cope says
the three items were taken from the basement of the
Barn Theatre just before spring break, and have not yet
been returned. No one in the department knows exactly
who stole these items or when they were stolen.
Several drama students explained that the make-up
chair in particular was a gift given to Mr. Cope from the
crew of a past production, and that it holds sentimental
value for the director.
The Clarion finds it unfortunate that there are
students at Brevard College who haven’t completely
grasped the difference between right and wrong. Just
about everyone has the basic idea at least. The problem
is that some apparently find it difficult to match deed
and thought.
Lucky for Brevard College, such students with this
problem are few in number.
But those few inapt people who find it necessary to
steal from others quite effectively manage to tarnish the
great majority of students who work positively to better
themselves and the college. And that’s good for no one.
Too bad.
Maybe these few students will realize that what
they’ve gained from their acts (in this case, some com
fortable chairs) isn’t worth the repercussion they im
pose on their fellow classmates.
We hope you get your chairs back, Mr. Cope.
Editorial Photo
No, this isn’t a crater found on some distant planet, it’s an aged
pothole located right here at Brevard College-and it’s a roadway
killer! Those BC motorists lucky enough to dodge this one (located
on the drive below the music building en route to the gym and SU)
risk damaging their autos on several others that lurk in our streets.
Maintenance better do something soon before students begin to lose
not only front-fend axials, but whole cars!
The Clarion
Editor-in-Chief jon Zillioux
News... Cindy Cox, Jonathan Matthews, Wan
da Raines, Phil Monte, Genie Glover,
Tim Wilkins, and Andy Valli.
Sports... Jeff Shore, Todd Greeson, and Greg
Smart.
Life And Culture Regina Wortman
Photographer .. .Jon Zillioux
Typographer jon Zillioux
Advisor Mr, Kgn Chamlee
Caution: College Drivers Can
Pose Threat To Motorists
By Tim Wilkins
Make no mistake about it, I am a fan
tastic driver. In three years of driving I
have been in only two accidents (the first
one occurring when an inconsiderate
scum pulled out in front of me while I was
attempting a nap on a long lonely stretch
of highway, and the second concerned a
shapely blond which I refuse to comment
on since her lawyers may read this arti
cle). Also, I am one of only eighteen
Americans who can simultaneously chew
gum, drink my favorite beverage, and
change cassettes from Led Zeppelin to
Neil Young without ever taking my eyes
off of the road. And I am also one of the
foremost authorities in the world on the
procurement and collection of traffic
tickets.
College Drivers
These facts alone make me more than
qualified to speak out on the most chill
ing, thrilling, and exciting of performers:
the collegiate driver. Basically, col
legiate drivers can be broken down into
three categories: fast, faster, and
female. Anyone who has a sister nearing
the legal driving age can understand my
apprehension towards female drivers.
Oh, don’t get me wrong, in my com
pletely unbiased opinion, girls have as
much right to the road as males. I just
think certain precautions should be
taken, such as painting their car bright
orange and equipping them with flashing
neon lights reading, “Caution, Female
Driver.” Foam rubber bodies wouldn’t be
a bad idea (on the cars, of course, not the
girls).
But before the ERA beats a path to my
door to put my head in, a better
mousetrap, maybe I should say
something about male drivers. Most
male drivers are to be pitied; they suffer
from an incredibly expensive disease
which has very few cures. This scourge of
the highways and by-ways is known as
Macho Drivers Syn^ome. Some of the
symptoms include an inability to drive
under sixty-five mph, a compulsion to
cruise endlessly down the same street,
and a permanently gnarled hand from
long hours of clutching a steering wheel.
Roadway Tips
Tip No. 1: The police officer is always
right, even though most cops have terri
ble vision and their radars are always
broken. And what does it matter if they
set speed traps for innocent young
drivers like you and me, the highway
patrol has to have some fun too.
So what if the IQ of the average
highway patrolman is commparable to a
large rock? I’ve managed to teach my pet
rocks some pretty neat tricks.
But I must admit one thing, cops are
tough. Take for instance the time my
cousin Cale was clocked at 110 mph in his
Volkswagen. Now Cale (he never was too
bright) told a pursuing officer that a
Volkswagon couldn’t do 110 mph if you
pushed it off of a cliff. So the kind officer
pushed both Cale and his car over Car
son’s Cliff to prove that Cale was wrong.
Tip No. 2: Always keep a well stocked
cooler on hand. DDM (Driver’s Dry
Mouth) can be hazardous to your taste-
buds. And always keep a spare pack of
Dentyne taped under the dash just in case
some curious officer questions your cure
for DDM.
Tip No. 3: In the event that you do get a
ticket, either cry or be inhumanly
respectful towards the officer. (Your
reaction depends on your sex, but then
again, doesn’t everything?)
Of course these tactics won’t help you
much if you were doing 100 mph in a 35
mph zone, and you just happen to have a
“Down With The Pigs” bumpersticker on
your car. In this event, be sure to send me
a postcard from Sing-Sing for my collec
tion.