Page 8 The Clarion December 9, 1987
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Ta-da! It’s the Official 1987 Clarion
Catalog of Useless Christmas Gifts
by Carlisle Turner
Personally, I’m tired of all the
Christmas merriment.
No more will I compete with the mall
crowds, Salvation Army tambourine
shakers, and The First Ungodly Cherub
Chtirch Choir, I’m also sick and tired of
small children panhandling carols in ex
change for watered-down hot chocolate
and curdled eggnog that resembles dog
food yogurt.
And if 1 hear one more verse of “Frosty
the Snowman” or “Rudolph the Boozing
Venison,” poor old overworked Santa is
going to be a little less jolly with a black
eye and one less golden-fried McReindeer.
If everyone else is half as unfulfilled as I,
listen up.
There just happens to be a way to get
around all the hubbub, bub. It’s called The
Official Brevard College Catalog of
Useless Yuletide Gifts, and it is sure to cut
heavily into Sears, Brendles, and Mon
tgomery Ward.
Let’s see now. A sure fire “super dad”
pleaser is our handy timing gun as Clay
Rowe of Henderson, N.C., will attest.
If that sounds like dear old pop, I bet he
would look sleek in a nice satin blue tie
complete with the likeness of Pluto em
broidered on it, submitted by Olin Hatch of
Winter Haven, Fla.
I know, that might make him look too
sporty. Andy “Andycephus” Wall of
Carpenter, N.C., thinks his dad looks extra
special in polyester pants and a pair of
suede shoes. Around the house he can also
style and profile in a new pair of fuzzy
bedroom slippers.
Some of you are prol»bly saying to
yourselves, “Gee, I certainly would like
some of those exquisite presents, but I’m
on a junior college budget,” Well aren’t
you in luck. We have some lesser-priced
gifts near the back of the catalog, such as a
handy medic alert ID bracelet. Any proud
father with a terminal disease would be
proud as a peacock to own one, much less
wear one.
Need some gifts for mom? Maybe she’s
just a tad overweight. How about a huge
box of chocolate-covered cherries to push
her over the edge of the scales. She’s not
an eater? How does a macrame picture
frame of a glass weather bird sound? I bet
mom would be thrilled, Kerry Wells of
Sylva, N,C., says her mom just loved her
handmade ashtray that closely resembled
Thanksgiving’s leftover mashed potatoes.
Maybe you have a little brother or sister.
It’s a proven fact that children just aren’t
as easy to shop for as when I was a wee tot.
I could entertain myself for hours with a
Stretch Armstrong or GI Joe with the
kung-fu grip.
But children change and we have some
excellent gift ideas. Chad Veen of Brevard
strongly urges parents to bless their
children writh Fruit of the Loom’s three
sizes too big. Or how about an outdated
General Lee model from everyone’s
favorite show, “The Dukes of Hazard,”
recommended by Andy Wall. Say, don’t
y’all miss that show as much as I do?
’There is even a section for you musical
buffoons, er, buffs. Lee Tuttle of Walker-
Town, N.C., recommends some selections
from our vast musical library: “Red
Sovine’s Greatest Hits,” “Slim Whitman,”
“The Chuck Wagon Gang,” and Zamfir
and His Magical Flute,”
There you have it, a virtual potpourri of
gifts. Be sure to order early before we run
out of gifts, but I’m sure the more for
tunate of you will. In that case we have
some suggestions, Chad Veen personally
offers his services for a good strong right
cross to the chin, eye, or groin; rates vary,
Andy Wall also offers the same gift he
gave me last year. Thanks Andy, I still en
joy my nothing, and I use it every day.
Well home shoppers, it’s time to go.
Those phone lights are just lighting up the
office switchboard.
Rinker named XC
Coach of the Year
When EC Cross Country Coach Dave
Rinker says, “We line up to win, that’s all
there is to it,” he’s not kidding.
Rinker’s teams dominated the National
Junior College Athletic Association Cross
Country Championships in November,
winning the Nike Cup for the third time
after his women came in second and the
men ran off with the national crown.
Rinker is an inspiring and demanding
coach. “Most teams shoot for the moon,”
he says. “We, on the other hand, shoot for
the stars.”
At the nationals at Johnson County Com
munity College outside Kansas City last
month, Rinker was named the National
Junior College Cross Country Coach of the
Year. Rinker says when this was announc
ed, “it added more momentum to the
team.”
Rinker came to BC in 1983 after a suc
cessful high school coaching career at
Blacksburg, Va. His first year here, he
coached the women’s cross country team,
and he assumed the head coaching job in
1986 when long-time cross country coach
Norm Witek stepped down.
In his first nationals last fall, both the BC
men and women were national runner-ups.
But this year, the Tornado men took it all.
Before the meet, Rinker had said he
thought the men could do it if everybody
ran the race he knew they were capable of.
Next year, Rinker is looking for a pair of
national championships. He likes to tell his
runners, “If it didn’t hurt, everybody
would be doing it.” '
Rinker earned his bachelor’s degree
from James Madison University. He and
his wife. Sue, have a son, Mark.
The Message Board
This message board is dedicated to all
you BC students who have worked so hard
and are making it through to the finals.
Merry Christmas and remember to sub
mit your messages to PO Box 324 when you
come back from the holidays.
Cindy,
Come see Ted!
Ya!
Merry Christmas! Love
Kathy
My “BBB,”
A very merry Christmas to the girl who
has been my Brevard sunshine. Thanx for
the encouragement and fun times. Don’t
work too hard at P.H., and let your green
eyes show. Keep smiling!
Your “BBB”
Pearl,
No thanks. I’m not into cheap jewelry,
Kerry
“Chippy,”
Have a great Christmas! 2-3! Love Ya!
Kathy
Pebbles I,
Let us not repeat our interior decorating
actions. It causes blue circles and tired
puppies!
Pebbles II
To my “BBB” and “PHB,”
Hope you have a Beary, Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year! Thanks for being
my buddies! Ya’ll are the greatest!
Love ya bunches,
Melissa
Liz,
Merry Christmas! Tell Jeff! Love ya!
Kathy
Sketer,
May you have golden opportunities and
silver bullets throughout the holidays.
Pearl
Andrea,
Drive much? Hope you make it home for
Christmas!!
Mike M,
Yo Heffer,
Moo, Moo and here’s to guys at home.
PS,
J,B, and J.B, love T.B, and B,T,
Jen,
Have a happy!
Andy
To the General Public,
“The woody’s are out to get you.”
Te-Ta