Friday, November 15,1996
Viewpoints
Separated, but not divorced
Page 3
This letter was written by me about
a year ago as I tried to to make sense of
some of the choices made by me in
troubled times and the pressures felt
from my peers. I was very disturbed by
a comment made to me by a friend the
other day. She said, “I stayed sober all
weekend.” My hope is that if people
are feeling as though they are at a
turning point in their lives, they can
reach out for answers and ask for help
from others as I did.
Dear God,
It has been a little over a year since
I have separated from my wife. She has
decided not to grant a divorce at this
time. Aldiough we are no longer
together, I can still feel her presence in
my life, even after moving to another
state. She had such a powerful effect on
my daily routine for so long, and now
that she is gone, I have had to reach out
for help from others and I have gained
strength from their support and
guidance.
I don’t know what the attraction was
in the beginning of our relationship, but
there were promises made by her to
accompany me out of some of my
depressions and feelings of in
anadequacy. In our beginnmg, we
enjoyed a loving relationship. I soon
became very dependent on her. I had
tried to gain the strength to let her go
many times after I became aware that
she was guiding me on a one way trip to
false promises and the deterioration of
my moral fiber. The more that I let this
happen, the more dependent I became.
I think she was enjoying my pain and
she shared that joy by becoming more
available to me in my times of need.
Even though I could see that she was
helping to isolate me from my family,
friends, and work, I wanted to believe
that things would get better in time. I
tried so many times, and in many ways,
to stand up to her and say, “No more!”
I found it impossible to obtain the
necessary strength to make the
separation on my own.
My family and friends could see the
destruction she was causing, but I did
not listen, not did I want to look, and I
found myself standing up to them and
justifying her actions. I did not want to
accept that she was causing so much
pain to my family and sending me into
spiritual, financial, and physical ruin. I
could always count on her to help me
avoid my daily responsibilites by
convincing me that all would better in
the morning. There were always
tomorrows to take care of anything that
needed attention today; besides, she
could ease any amount of tension or
frustration that would build within me
because of promises or commitments
lost. I felt that could not live without
her in my life. She was always just a
want or need away.
We tried a separation once before.
That lasted for about eight years. I
found strength through support groups
and found my life changing for the
better. Knowing she was still out there
helped me to ask many times for help
from others. I started to feel like a new
man that could face any problem and
could deal with day to day life. After a
while I became satisfied that I could
handle anything on my own and no
longer needed to ask for help. It seems
that once that happened, I became lonely
and needed a change. So I looked up
my wife and at her request we became
an item once again. Somehow I forgot
the pain that we shared together and in
no time we were up to our codependent
relationship, exactly where we left off
some eight years ago. I started to
isolate myself from friends and family
and started to miss work. We were
truly on a roll from the start. Then
when I started to feel regret and guilt in
rekindling the relationship, she promised
to take away those feelings. Her lies
became mine, and she was able to have
me lie for her as.well.
To this day, I can’t believe how fast
our marriage had destroyed much of
what I had worked so hard to obtain in
life. I’m so glad thjtt my family was
able to help me separate from her one
more time, and through the help of
support groups, I can remember the pain
in a positive way. I know now that I
can nevef get a full divorce, but today
there are hopes and dreams that help me
to have days in my life that can be
rewarding. I know that she is still out
there, just waiting for another
relationship that she can help to become
codependent and destructive like ours
was. She can be very deceptive with the
promise of good feelings and a false
serenity. I can only pray that if one sees
her reach out her hand, beware of the
true pain she can cause anyone she
touches. I know that it is hard to say
“No” to one such as her, but one only
needs to look around and see the
desctruction she can cause in all cities
across the world, to know the power she
controls. She is so devious that she goes
by many names. She has never been too
proud to have only one. She can also
change sexes at will and has no problem
with the age of any persons she touches
ans decides to have a relationship with.
She can have the appeal of a knight m
shining armor or a beautiful woman to
many who feel lost and m need of
comfort. She prides herself on how
cunning and baffling she can be, and
although most are aware of her
deceptive allure, she still makes her way
into the lives of many. My wife’s first
and last name is Heroin. She is also
known as Alcohol, Cocaine,
Barbiturates, etc....So beware, she is
out there, just looking for a new mate.
My life has been far from empty
since our separations. I am thankful of
the help you have given me at a time
that I felt lost and full of despair. I truly
say that my strength today comes from
letting go and not being too proud to ask
for help. I can meet the challenge of
one day at a time, and I don’t dwell on
things to come. I work on the day I’m
in to make my yesterdays happy ones to
reflect on. Thank you and all who
helped me help myself.
Very truly yours,
FMC (The author wishes to remain
anonymous.)
(Name will be given upon written
request to anyone who is interested in
discussing the subject.)
Student Body President gives thanks
Manabu Okawa
Guest Commentary
“Complaining 102" was one of my
classes which made me satisfied last
year. I recall that Ross Perot, my
teacher, gave me an “A.” I used to
begin the conversation by saying “I
don’t like....,” or “Why does (doesn’t)
Brevard College do this thing?”
Without emphasizing a lot of actual
improvement of our campus life, a year
passed.
It is always easier to find
conspicuous shortcomings than search
for improvements, even now... .Those of
you who were at Brevard College last
fall remember what the Underground
used to be. It was a grave. Now it is a
beloved bar without alcoholic beverages.
I would like to thank President Bertrand,
Dean Martin, Mr. Curt Crowhurst,
ARAMARK, and other people who
were involved, for everything they have
done for us.
Coltrane Commons, however, is
likely to go back to chaos if further
progress is not realized.
As I have been tellmg you, anything
is possible in the process of developing
into a four-year institution. Even a
change in visitation hours is likely. A
lot of opinions from the Suggestion Box
in the first two weeks of this semester
were about the limited visitation hours.
Despite the tough siUiation we are in,
SGA still needs to be optimistic about
the possibility of extended visitation
hours.
More than 2 months have passed
since the beginning of the semester.
What have we done so far? Placing coin
changers in all the dorms, which I
proposed in the last SGA Presidential
election, could not be realized because
of the unwiUingness of Brevard CoUege
due to a major security problem. I need
to apologize to you again. All drink
vending machines now accept a dollar
bill instead. Thanks go to Don
Strickland (V.P. for Business and
Finance). Supposedly, we will have a
Snack Bar (Convenience Store) in
Coltrane Commons next semester. The
security window in West Beam security
door will be set very soon. Thanks go
to Stephanie Taylor, a Hall Council
member, brought up this important
security problem. The result of the
Weight Room Survey which was carried
out by Justin Cole, another Hall Council
member, as well as the Cafeteria
Survey, will probably make a positive
difference. Public phones and sanitary
containers will be placed soon. Thanks
go to Heidi Rodenbaugh (V.P.) and
Mandy Parris who threw the public
phones idea to me; but nothing is visible
yet. This fact shows our tendency of
favoring complaining but having a hard
time taking action.
Do we not have enough time to
improve our campus life? Are we such
busy people? Do we really know what
“busy” means? Can writing a proposal
be a substitution for the time we spend
complaining? Yes, hopefully, it can.
I would like to encourage those of
you who are not satisfied with your
campus life to come and talk to me or
the SGA members since “Complaining
102" is not offered anymore. Please
believe that we can realize whatever we
need.
Finally, I would like to express my
appreciation not only to the SGA
members, but to all the students who
have been concerned about Brevard
College. • Your voice is extremely
valuable. Thank you.