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THE LAST FRONTIER
The Clarion October 3, 2008
American Hero
Beer and hunting have always gone together. Unfortunately
though, the old shiny beer cans could alert the deer, elk, fox,
or human that you are hunting to you presence. The failure
of old beer cans to be inconspicuous while out in the woods
has led many red blooded Americans pinto an unnecessary
moral dilemma, drink beer or hunt? This is why Anhesuer-
Busch Brewing Company, inventor of the camo beer can,
is this week's American Hero. Thanks to them we can now
combine the two great American pastimes, getting wrecked
and shooting stuff. Just make sure your can doesn't blend
in so well to your surroundings that you lose it before you
finish the beer.
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at Tl)e Clarion, ®oagl) it is incorrect, as we believe Hell is iDore personalized. It is a place wbere tbe
things goa bate tbe iDost are contintinaoaslg sarroanding goa. In oar Hell, tbis sign is everagwbere.
Horoscopes
by Joseph Chilton and Sam Winn
The Clarion Astrolosquad
Aries: You will fracture your femur in three
places. Ty Reutebeuch will give you three aspi
rin and tell you to put some ice on it.
Lucky Color: Rorschach block
Taurus: You will be offered two jobs this week.
One will be at McDonald’s. The other will be
the head coaching position with the Oakland
Raiders. Take the McDonald’s job.
Lucky Color: Technicolored Dreamcoat
Gemini: You will be hired as a spokesperson
for the University of South Carolina, but will
3C fired soon after because of an inability to say
‘Go Cocks” without cracking up.
Lucky Color: The inside of Travis Henry’s nose
white
Cancer: You will watch James Earl Jones and
Morgan Freeman fight to the death over a
dispute concerning which one of them sounds
more like God.
Lucky Color: Cousin of pearl
Leo: You will be charged with animal cruelty
after your psychology experiment on hamp-
rters’ reactions to operant conditioning goes
terribly wrong.
Lucky Color: Fire and brimstone
Virgo: You will have your heart broken by
the Chicago Cubs. And that is not a sports
metaphor.
Lucky Color: Atomic tangerine
Libra: Your credit card statement will be sent
to your parents. Start coming up for a rational,
lon-sexual explanation for why you needed
rubber sheets now.
Lucky Color: Baby crap yellow
Scorpio: You will win a contest allowing you
to play catch with Terell Owens. Unfortunately,
T.O. will quit, saying that you don’t throw him
the ball enough.
Lucky Color: Rancid milk
Sagittarius: You will finally grasp the concept
of irony when you are swept up into a F-4 tor-
lado while cheering on the football team in the
Storm Chasers section. You will spend several
weeks in the hospital, but on the bright side,
your English grade will improve drastically.
Lucky Color: Mello Yello
Capricorn: You will sell your poetry to a coun
try music singer who will turn three of your
poems into number one hits. The bright side is
that you will be rich. The down side is that this
means you are a terrible poet.
Lucky Color: Clean burning coalbc
Aquarius: Manny Ramirez will hire you as his
jarber. It will be the easiest job ever.
Lucky Color: You will become blind, thus mak
ing your lucky color “sick joke.”
Pisces: You will join a notorious street gang by
accident. If you only didn ’t love that comfy red
ihirt so much.
Lucky Color: Firecrotch