Newspapers / Brevard College Student Newspaper / Oct. 17, 2008, edition 1 / Page 8
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Page 8 THE LAST FRONTIER The Clarion October 17, 2008 American Hero Many people choose to show their support of their favorite candi dates in ways that after the election do not continue to affect their day-to-day life. But it is those who make a lifetime commitment to their candidate who are true American Heroes. This is why we honor Mark Ciptak of Elizabethton, Tennessee. This week, Ciptak chose to name his daughter Sarah McCain Palin, circumventing his wife to do so. Republicans focus on family values as a key election issue, and what shows your family values more than incorporating the canidates into your family. There has been no word so far, how ever, on whether the Ciptak's insurance paid for the medical bills of delivering the baby. tlCW Of THt TIMK If you're like us, you spend countless hours watching reruns of "Miami Vice" and "Nash Bridges" wondering "what ever happened to Don Johnson?, and how could such an incredible actor have completely fallen off the map?" Well now you know, as he has apparently taken a higher calling. Instead of fighting vice in the streets of Miami, now he fights it in the pews of Rosman. And we're sure he still wears his trademark superfly suit in the pulpit. Horoscopes by Joseph Chilton and Travis Wirebacl The Clarion Astrolomasters Aries: You will get a job at the fair, which will lead to an awkward situation when you have to tell Kenny Chesney that he’s not tall enough to get onto the Ferris Wheel. Lucky Color: Aneurism Red Taurus: Don’t you dare. Lucky Color: Sticky Green Gemini: You will become Ralph Na der’s running mate. This will in no way change your day-to-day life. Lucky Color: Choking Smurf Still Blue Cancer: Line your walls with money. Not to hoard your money because of the financial crisis, but because Alexan der Hamilton is easy on the eyes. Lucky Color: Beer Shits Leo: Death will come knocking at your front door Jump out the window and beat it. Lucky Color: Gneiss Virgo: You will throw a biscuit from Myers Dining Hall. Unfortunately, be cause of the composition of the biscuit, you will be charged with assault with a deadly weapon. Lucky Color: Bile Libra: In the Vice Presidential tradi tion, Sara Palin will mistake you for a Caribou and shoot you. Lucky Color: Heart of America Red Scorpio: Your family will disown you after an unfortunate incident involving a white squirrel, a moped collision, and a George Foreman grill. Lucky Color: Liberal Bastard Blue Sagittarius: Despite having no political training or merits, you will be asked to become a FOX News political analyst solely on the basis that you registered Republican. Lucky Color: Queso dip Capricorn: You will get your breakfast cereal stolen by a rascally rabbit. Lucky Color: Oddwalla Juice Aquarius: You will tickle Elmo one too many times, and will get charged with sexual harassment. Elmo don’t play. Lucky Color: Emo Pisces: You will meet your untimely de mise after one of your friends decides it would be fun to play cricket with a hand grenade and you drunkenly agree. Lucky Color: Bald Spot
Brevard College Student Newspaper
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Oct. 17, 2008, edition 1
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