Newspapers / Brevard College Student Newspaper / Dec. 5, 2008, edition 1 / Page 8
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Page 8 THE LAST FRONTIER The Clarion \ December 5, 2008 American Hero Last Friday a Wal Mart employee died after a mob of customers stampeded over top of him as he was opening the doors. 34-year-old Jdmyitai Damour lost his life so that Americans could celebrate the new true reason for having the Holiday season, and for that The Clarion salutes him. Instances like this remind us of the sacrifice that a Hows the Holiday season to be so special. This man died so that we may shop, and for that we salute you. Because God knows Christmas isn't Christmas without a new Wii, some Jordache jeans, and a violent mob. mn or the time9 Usually The Clarion is able to make snarky remarks, mocking the unfortunate choice of words on a sign....but here, for once, we don't really have much to say. The sign says it all. It really is flawless family planning advice. The Clarion was unable to find out if this facility also advocates "entering on the top floor," or possibly "exiting before the planning session concludes." Ask The Clarion Q: Since football was started here, there have been at least three nmjor incidinces where players committed crimes that brought negative attention to school Why don't we just get rid offootball? A: Hold on a second. A rash action such as that would be penalizing a large group who has done nothing wrong for the actions of a few. While there is no denying that football has brought a few criminals onto campus, it is not exactly like we have reached Barry Switzer-era Oklahoma Sooner-level lawlessness yet, either Looking at the armed robbery incident two years ago, the off-campus bumper car fight last year, and the fraud ring this year, we here at The Clarion have noticed the trend that the majority of the players involved tend to be defensive backs and wide receivers. So there is your solution right there. Instead of purging our school of the football team entirely, we should just figure out a way to field a team without using defensive backs or wide receivers. This may seem hard, but with the success that novelty offensive formations such as the Wildcat are currently having, there is a chance for success. The best course of action would probably to have a miming back running behind about nine offensive linemen. After all, I think everyone on campus will agree that those big jolly lineman harm nobody and are generally an asset to the campus, one that we should keep around. Our massive collection of linemen would form an impenetrable wall for the running backs, similar to a football version of the formation known as the "Flying V" employed in the film "The Mighty Ducks." Now having a pass defense without defensive backs is more tricky, but it can be done. Just play the game with an all-or nothing style, blitzing eleven big guys on every down. It's the American way. So in response to your question, it would be irrespnsible to punish the entire football program for the idiocy of a few. Instead we should simply ehminate the positions played by the criminals, making the game much more entertaining.
Brevard College Student Newspaper
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