Newspapers / Brevard College Student Newspaper / Feb. 27, 2009, edition 1 / Page 8
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Page 8 THE LAST FRONTIER The Clarion \ February 27, 2009 mn or the times Blondes h'avs fun... with Me Above is a picture of a rear bumper of a car spotted in the parldng lot outside of Beam Hall this week. Note to blondes on campus: unless your idea of fun is a night of crazy perfume-soaked foot washing, you might have more luck sowing your wild oats by dating somebody other than the driver of this vehicle. TotaUy fabricated Story of the week: Brevard College patents cafeteria pizza creations by Joseph Chilton Editor in Chief Myers Dining Hall has received three patents for new “pizza inventions,” Brevard College aimounced on Wednesday. The pie trailblazers will now be paid royalties any time the recipes for any of the three patented pizzas is used in a cookbook or made at a restaurant. The College received patents for the iimo- vative “Taco Meat, celery and ranch fiesta,” “Pepperoni, onion, chicken and chives taste bud treat,” and “Chopped buffalo chicken and peppers intestinal assault.” “This is a great day for our cafeteria and Brevard College as a whole. When we started our “Postmodern abstract pizza program” we had no idea it would reach this level,” a news release from the Col lege said. The patent was pending on the three pizzas as the U.S. Patent Office said that there was no evidence that Myers Dining Hall was the only place to use such combinations. The issue was resolved, however, when a BC spokesman inteijected, “Seriously, who else would put pepperoni, chicken, onions, and chives on the same pizza?” The patent officer responded with, “point taken” and the patent was issued soon after “1 just thought that the caf was taking all the leftover ingredients from the last meal and throwing them on top of a pizza,” said one freshman student. “Now that 1 reahze that the absurdity of their concoctions is plaimed 1 have a whole new respect for what they do.” The patenting of the pizzas could be lucrative for the college. The College is currently in talks with a frozen foods company that chose to remain unidenti fied in order to sell the “Chopped buffalo chicken and peppers intestinal assault” pizza in freezer aisles. According to a spokesperson, the company beheves that there is a large audience out there for a decent tasting pizza that can be substituted for a laxative. “We have determined that after eating this particular pizza a person has approxi mately 12 minutes to make it to a toilet, regardless of their degree of constipation,” the spokesperson said. American Hero Each week several leads for stories come into The Clarion that end up not materializing due to lack of relevancy, verifiability, or space in the paper. One such occurence was several weeks ago when we were tipped off to the fact that after a basketball game in Boshamer Gymnasium, Newberry College officials called the South Atlantic Conference to protest the "Boshamer Bashers" student section. Apparently, the Rastafarian wigs being sported by our student section in order to mock two of Newberry's on-court Rude Boy clones were deemed racially insensitive by the higher-ups at Newberry. After the Editor in Chief of The Clarion took a visit to Eleazer Arena on the campus of Newberry College this week, however. The Clarion has the following to say to the Newberry College Athletic Department: "Physician, heal thyself." Pictured above is the logo of the Newberry student section. The logo is emblazoned on a banner above the home bleachers of the gym, where the Newberryians cheer on their home team- the Indians. Talk about the pot calling the kettle...well, we'll withhold the rest of that saying lest Newberry find us insensitive again.
Brevard College Student Newspaper
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