Page 8
THE LAST FRONTIER
The Clarion \ April 3, 2009
Horoscopes
Aries: Rush Limbaugh wants you to fail.
Lucky Color: Black, like your heart.
Tauras: Sign up for the GRE, because let’s face it, nobody
is getting a job when they get out of here.
Lucky Color: Your checkbook balance red
Gemini: Your insistence on continuing a nicotine-fueled
daily routine will land you in an Asheville homeless
shelter
Lucky Color: American Spirit powder blue
Cancer: The tax money you pay this week will go to the
state of Kentucky, which will ask for a federal bailout
after paying $31.5 million dollars to hire John Calipari as
basketball coach at the state’s flagship institution.
Lucky Color: Blue grass
Leo: You don’t have any problems that three bottles of
Nyquil, a Phog Hat album, two hard hats and an off-duty
stripper can’t fix.
Lucky Color: Billy Crudup’s member in Watchmen blue
Virgo: You will receive a thorough beating from Mr. T
after a disagreement over whether or not he should, in fact,
pity you. It will be the coolest beating ever
Lucky Color: Powder, the person not the substance.
Libra: You will get dumped after expressing a little too
much enthusiasm about the upcoming Star Trek movie.
For future reference, saying “I Love You” in Klingon is
more creepy than it is sweet.
Lucky Color: Ferengi
Scorpio: You will unknowingly give your spare change to
former GM CEO Rick Wagoner, who will be playing banjo
for tips on a street comer
Lucky Color: Desert camo
Sagittarius: The use of a black market dietary supplement
will cause you to develop an unsightly rash of bacne.
Lucky Color: Mormon
Capricorn: An experiment creating your own blog will
cause you to be dubbed “the voice of our generation.”
Lucky color: Zax sauce
Aquarius: Adopting Asher Roth’s “I Love College” as
your personal theme song will cause you to love college so
much that you become no longer enrolled.
Lucky color: Black out
Pisces: Involvement in an underworld cock-fighting ring
will lead to an existential crisis in a Morganton jail cell.
Lucky Color: Tyler Hansbrough’s eye whites
Clarion Cunningly Linguistic Crossword
A Trip Back to Seventh Grade
1
2
3
4
5
5
7
e
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
13
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
27
ACROSS
DQWH
2 Thcjtrf himing
1 The -tO-YwOW-
point
5 loft's Shxtf!^
6 UqmkJ-Mled fruit
4 2+2 eqmls^
si'dck
wifsnl
7 Ussier than a
ID and Dk
speeding
SHazani
12 Dqv fidm
li WkhAa Slate
13 Pmchi Oh
fnxaai
Garion«fltQr&
14 RCiUlf!r iKtwMTk
got w«h lost
bum
flight
15 Tq cwitafTinate
14li0lGDe±Ue
17 CcA\eg& rich In
prodLKt
stods
16 PAAmish martet
IB tSang&terdog
lOwfl
2D Sad dangted to
Targrt jxactlw
nAatc flgvdr
disk
25 Thomas the tank
3D TllhlrWin
engine
SLHklas'batti
22 /ifiplaud
23
specidl ChrslTMS
gift
24 WMeroeie
mfonrunt
26 dose
to cJetaii
37 PianCcrt pwdxX