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THE LAST FRONTIER
The Clarion \ Sept. 18, 2009
Horoscopes
by the Clarion Astrologizer
Aries- Barking dogs seldom bite.
Unfortunately for you, your neighbor’s dog is
the exception.
Lucky Color- White teeth
Taurus- Don’t feel bad. No one else wants to
see Taylor Swift receive any accolades either
Lucky color- VMA Award
Gemini- Circumstances will arise this week
which will necessitate logic and rationaliztion
which will force you to disregard any and
all information that came from superstitious
sources.
Lucky color- Opaque
Cancer- Sean Hannity
Lucky color-BlackAVhite
Leo- Your obsequiousness will serve you well.
Lucky color- Webster’s dictionary
Virgo- While you will intend the remark to be
a nonserious statement, it will lead you to the
succession of people whom you DO have to
blow in order to get a drink around here.
Lucky color- White
Libra- The current positioning of celestial
bodies suggest that the world will begin to
cool and odd colorful changes will occur in
your surrounding environment.
Lucky color- Red, yellow, orange
Scorpio- In a complete misunderstanding
of the term “Grand Mai Seizure,” your
expectations of sympathy regarding your
attempt to seize control of the Asheville Mall
will not come
Lucky color- Pirate Flag
Sagittarius- As Saturn finishes its new flying
car prototype, the stars estimation of Saturn’s
position in the night sky and its affects on
your daily life may actually be relevant.
Lucky Color- Inhospitable atmospheric gases
Capricorn- Beware El Chupacabra
Lucky Color- Blood-sucker red
Aquarius- Statistics show that people who
have more birthdays than other people tend to
live the longest
Lucky Color- Birthday cake
Pisces- A mistake in last week’s horoscope
cost you an opportutnity at lifelong happiness,
love, and success. The stars apologize, but
they just weren’t all there that week.
Lucky Color- Blush
American Hero
Usually, this space is reserved for the Clarion editorial staff to poke fun
at people whose actions are un-American, however, this week we’d like
to give out an award to someone who exemplifies the type of character
that should be awarded in today’s society. When you have senators cat
calling the president, talk show hosts bringing race into political issues
where race is most certainly not a factor and tennis players threatening
the lives of line judges, this week was ripe with people who were in the
running to be an ‘American Hero. ’ However, at the VMA’s one incident
stood out. During the presentation for best Female Music Video, Kanye
West took the stage and protested Taylor Swift’s win over Beyonce
(who would later win Music Video of the Year), effectively stealing the
limelight away from the young country singer. West’s actions were not
applauded by a mollified crowd and he was removed from the show.
However, later on in the show, when Beyonce received her award for
Best Music Video, she passed on giving a speech and isntead called Swift
to the stage and let her finish her acceptance speech uninterrupted. For
committing an unselfish act, showing humility, and for having a level
of civility that seems to be missing in many parts of today’s society, we
salute you, Beyonce.
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