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THE LAST FRONTIER
The Clarion \ Oct. 2, 2009
Horoscopes
by the Clarion's story-teller
to the stars and liasion to all
things astrological
Aries- You will have a ‘Come to
Jesus’ meeting with Charles Bronson
this week. Unfortunately for you, this
means that Charles Bronson wants to
kill you.
Lucky Color- Yellow, but pronounced
‘yaller,’ as in belly
Taurus- Upon abiding by your
horoscope this week you will lose all
self respect, but believe me its better
than NOT abiding by it.
Lucky phrase- Damned if you do,
even more if you don’t
Gemini- The Serbians have been
known to say, “Te pravedan gubiti
vase vreme.” This will be important
this week.
Lucky thought- Nista
Cancer- Michael Vick
Unlucky vice- Killing dogs
Leo- Your behef in a vengeful god
will be reinforced by the tsunamis
and earthquakes across the South
Pacific. They must have done
something to piss him/her/it off so
much, right????
Lucky act- Destruction.
Virgo- You will begin to fancy
yourself a genius after some success
in the classroom next week. Don’t
worry though, its only a passing
fancy.
Lucky speed- Light
Libra-Your grasp of the concept of
gravity will increase this week, but
only to have dire consequences.
Lucky sound- SPLAT!
Scorpio- Jesus knows he promised to
love you until the end of the world,
but things change and sometimes
people have to just kind of move on.
He hopes you understand and that
you can still be friends. He’ll call
you, k?
Lucky activity- Ascension
Sagittarius-Your deity of choice
knows about you and the favors you
asked for from that other God. He
doesn’t take your explanation of ‘just
covering your bases’ to be sufficient.
Lucky hymn- O God, Forsake me
not!
Capricorn- The stars forming the
constellations which make up
Capricorn are unable to be read
because a couple of them are out sick
with that swine flu thing. Check back
next week.
Lucky color- Phlegm
Aquarius- The stars suggest you take
over Billy May’s place in Hollywood.
Not as the spokesperson of every
product ever ‘infomercialized,’ but as
the only human being whose beard
growing skills rival those of Chuck
Norris.
Lucky bodily Sanction- Hair Growth
Pisces- You will learn the hard way
that Axe and Tag body sprays repel
more women than they could ever
attract
Lucky scent- Ass (Axe) and Gag
(Tag)
IT ANYWAY.
American Hero
In the spirit of the Bay of Pigs fiasco, our involvement in several South American countries,
and basically all of our dealings with Iran, the United States could, at times, have its foreign
policy compared to the friendship of a fair weather friend. Luckily for Michael Vick, the
Nike corporation has a very similar policy. Earlier this week, Vick re-signed an endorsement
deal with Nike, after having been dropped by the company following his dogfighting scandal.
However, as in all things, it seems money talks, and Vick’s jersey (as well as Vick himself) has
been a hot commodity item. So Nike rejoined the Vick team. For showing a forgiving attitude
that has no strings attached (except for the ones which require Vick to continue playing in the
NFL i.e. not getting kicked out again, not engaging in the heinous sport of murdering dogs,
and continuing to make them money) the editors of The Clarion would like to award Nike the
American Hero this week.