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THE LAST FRONTIER
The Clarion \ Oct. 9, 2009
Horoscopes
Channeling: Ms. Cleo, Shaka
Zulu, and Chris Angel, with
special help from John Ed
wards of 'Crossing Over'
Aries- The ambiguous nature of your
horoscope will cause confusion and
stress in your life throughout the
week. Oh, and the stars see either a
bag of monkeys or money. Let them
know how that turns out.
Lucky Color- Greenish brown
Taurus- The stars refuse to give
you any insight into your week
ahead. You’ll just have to deal with
everything that happens this week on
your own. That’s what you get for
not listening to the stars last week.
Lucky color- Not getting that either.
Gemini- Regardless of how much
your actions this week disprove
everything you ever thought about
yourself, they will prove that Jeff
Goldblum was right about you.
Lucky color- Baby blue
Cancer- After many years of telling
girls you’re a straight shooter in order
to pick them up, you’ll realize it in no
way relates to your sexual prowess.
Lucky reply- No
Leo- No matter how hungry you are,
a knuckle sandwich never seems to
have any affect on your appetite.
Unlucky sandwich ingredient- Flesh
Virgo- The stars have no affect on
your life this week. A speeding high-
schooler, however, will.
Lucky sound- Honk!
Libra-Your actions have caused you
to lose everything you once loved in
the world, and gain the one thing you
hoped to lose, weight.
Lucky color-(Blank)
Scorpio-One day next week will
serve in reinforcing your belief that
you are the reincarnation of Hercules
and you must complete the 7 Labors
if you want to gain your immortal
status. Then the acid will wear off
and your mounting legal troubles
will make those 7 Labors seem like a
piece of cake.
Lucky color- Psychedelia
Sagittarius-A movie regarding a
couple who begin to suspect their
house is haunted will originally
scare you, at least until you realize
that the same movie has been made
innumerable times before.
Lucky slight change in plot- Location
and character name
Capricorn- Is Britney Spears really
still making “music”?
Lucky acitivity- Fade away
Aquarius- A week of rationed well-
reasoned thought will be foiled by
you taking stock in the affect of
constellations light-years away on
your day to day life.
Lucky speed- Light
Pisces- Although Pisces is a sea-
based sign, you are not Poseidon and
have no control over the sea or sea-
life. That said, we would all love to
see you try.
Lucky practice area- Your aquarium
American Hero
BuiejrvS
What is more American than baseball? The baseball analogy, perhaps? Actually its a complete lack of
understanding of the baseball analogy. Earlier this week, George Will published an article denouncing
climate change claiming that Global Warming has stopped as of 1998. (Editor’s Note: George Will is in
no way qualified to make scientific observations as both his undergraduate and graduate work all focus on
Political Science.) Never mind that this past decade has been hotter than any other on record, one intrepid
journalist chose to suspend disbelief for a while and humor Will’s musings on environmental science.
Regardless of the past decade’s temperatures, global temperatures have been steadily on the rise since the
advent of the industrial revolution, and the past 50 years have been the hottest on record. This journalist
compared the logic behind Will’s argument to saying that because the Blue Jays have won 6 games in a
row and are 9-1 in their past 10 games, and the Yankees are only 7-3 in their past 10 games, then the Blue
Jays should clinch the AL East. Will’s response demonstrated that his comprehension of the concept of
an analogy is just as weak as his comprehension of environmental science. Said Will, “You don’t seem to
understand baseball. The Blue Jays aren’t even in contention.” For professing knowledge of topics which he
knows nothing about. The Clarion salutes you, George Will, this week’s American Hero.