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THE LAST FRONTIER
The Clarion \ Nov. 6, 2009
Horoscopes
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theme music here)
Aries- Beware being surprised by
the results of a reach-around.
Lucky color- Revulsion yellow
Taurus- You will do that which
Meatloaf won’t do for love.
Lucky color- Ketchup
Gemini- E.B. White will be your
guiding spirit while you hammer
out your senior project. Too bad
you’re a math major
Lucky vice- Being grammatically
correct
Cancer- Your perception of a
decline in your work ethic leads you
to be concerned that your professors
may lose some respect for you, but
don’t worry. It’s impossible to lose
something that you never had in the
first place.
Lucky band- Tears for Fears
Leo- After watching every Kung-
Fu movie ever made, you will
attempt the trek down the path to
enlightenment. This will be short
lived however, mainly due to the
path turning out to not be filled with
vengeful ninjas whom you must
destroy.
Lucky color- White belt
Virgo- Your doctor will inform you
of an incurable case of the cooties
and will isolate you from society.
No word yet on whether this has
any correlation to your designation
as world’s biggest asshole.
Lucky color- Cootie Shot scar
Libra- The stars are taking a
vacation to Maui this weekend.
Lucky color- Pink island drinks
Scorpio- Your escapades will eam
you a sitcom on the CW. This can
only hurt your financial situation
Lucky Color- Blank TV Screen
Sagittarius-You should fear the
reaper
Lucky color- Official color of the
cult of the Blue Oysters
Capricorn- There will be a terrible,
deadly car accident by your house.
The most terrrible thing about
it, however, is that neither Rush
Limbaugh or Glenn Beck are
involved.
Lucky color- Pasty
Aquarius- Your quest for buns
of steel will lead to your demise
following an unfortunate incident
involving sodomy and a welding
torch.
Lucky color- Flames
Pisces- Destruction. Despair.
Anything else that could possibly be
depressing
Lucky color- Black. Darkness.
American Hero
Many people may remember the old Disney movie, All
Dogs Go To Heaven, but did you know that that title isn’t
entirely factual? In fact, only dogs who have accepted
Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior get to go to
heaven. Finally, someone else realized this as well, and they
intend to do something about it. Reverend Tom Eggebeen
of Covenant Presbyterian Church in Los Angeles has begun
converting dogs to Christianity, and ensuring that they will
fulfill Walt Disney’s prophecy. At his church, he has begun
to offer weekly services which include hymns incorporating
the dogs, prayers for dogs, and special doggie treats. It
is still unclear whether any other religions have taken to
converting their pets and saving their immortal souls. So,
for literally putting the dog in religious dogma, we salute
you. Rev. Tom Eggebeen, of Covenant Presbyterian Church!