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THE LAST FRONTIER
The Clarion \ Nov. 13, 2009
Horoscopes
Taken from the missing eleventh
through fifteenth Command
ments
Aries- Your brush with swine flu will
lead you to try any means necessary
to get better Upon indulging in your
roommates mystery bag of pills you
will take a psychedelic journey which
will not in any way affect your flu
symptoms.
Lucky color- ROYGBIV
Taurus- Just because you aren’t good
at basketball doesn’t mean you are
good at drama. Boo Duke!
Unlucky color- Duke jersey
Gemini- Next time your BAC
surpasses your IQ, try to avoid
attacking inanimate objects.
Lucky color- Vomit
Cancer- Your name will become
an adverb which will make you
infamous among certain social
groups. Not in a good way.
Lucky color- Blush
Leo- Your attempt at outing Barack
Obama will be wrongly perceived
when you misuse the term Scandal’s
as a place as opposed to an
occurence.
Lucky color- Grayish
Virgo- You will engage in work
described as back-breaking in hopes
of advancement. Unfortunately,
this work is literally back breaking,
and leads to nothing but years of
chiropractor bills.
Lucky color- Future outlook bleak
Libra- The stars foresee a learning
experience in your future relating to
the phrase, “Anger is nothing more
than fear in disguise.” However, why
you will fear candy machines stealing
your dollar is up to you to work out.
Lucky color- Greenback
Scorpio- The stars computer crashed
and can’t see into your future this
week
Lucky color- Black Screen
Sagittarius-Life will imitate art
this week when your Xbox shuts
off in the middle of a game of NBA
Live., causing you to decide to play
basketball outside and get knocked
out attempting a 360 dunk.
Lucky color- Blue-red
Capricorn- That isn’t what your
mom said last night!
Lucky color- Your FACE!
Aquarius- Contrary to what MC
Hammer says, you can touch this.
Lucky color- Gilded gates
Pisces- Misunderestimate everyone.
Lucky Color- Blackish whitish purple
American Hero
Sometimes people are forced to eat their words, although this is
rarely a literal statement. This week’s American Hero, however,
took this statement literally. On the eve of the NBA draft in
2007, Chicago Tribune columnist Rick Morissey wrote a column
on the Bulls’ draft selection in which he is highly critical of the
selection of Joakim Noah. Morissey said that Noah “could not
play. He was soft, had the shooting form of a fourth-grader and
simply didn’t have game.” Morissey was so sure of this that
he offered to eat his column- with salsa- if Joakim Noah could
become a useful NBA player within three years. Now averaging
a double-double and having recently set career highs in points
scored and rebounds in separate games, Noah seems to have
proved Morissey wrong. So, on Monday, November 9, Morissey
showed up to Bulls practice and sprinkled some hot salsa on a copy of his column from that draft night,
and literally ate his words. For being accountable and keeping to his word, we salute Rick Morissey of
the Chicago Tribune. To see the video, go to http://www.chicagotribune.com/sports/basketball/bulls/
chi-ll-morrissey-bulls-novll,0,7213960.column?page=l.