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THE LAST FRONTIER
The Clarion \ Nov. 20, 2009
Horoscopes
Retrieved from missing lines off
of the stele which holds Ham
murabi's code
Aries- Your brush with the law this
week will lead you to be the number
one video on YouTube after you
reenact the ‘Don’t tase me bro’ video.
Lucky color- A1 Sharpton’s hair
Taurus- Don’t let any man tell you
what to do. That is the dog’s job.
Lucky Color-
Gemini- Thank God you are not a
ginger.
Lucky color- Pasty and red
Cancer- After starting to hang out
with Carrot Top, you will have much
more success with people of the
opposite sex. Not thanks to Carrot
Top’s celebrity but thanks to the fact
that no matter who you are you will
look attractive standing next to him.
Lucky color- Bozo’s wig or Carrot
Top’s hair?
Leo- Begin drafting a rational non-
sexual reason for why you ordered
rubber sheets, because you will need
it once your parents look at your
credit card statement
Lucky color- God’s shoeshine
Virgo-Convenient parking is way
back. Way Back. Convenient.
Lucky color- Orange Julius
Libra- Just because the National
Enquirer will print your article about
the secret coke and heroin fueled
lives of the Supreme Court justices
doesn’t make it a reputable news
source.
Lucky color- Shivering looking blue
Scorpio- You will have the brilliant
idea of exploring an alternate
universe for your next novel in which
Germany lost World War II. You will
revel in the brilliance of the idea until
you realize that Germany did, in fact
lose the war.
Lucky color- Cold Sunlight
Sagittarius-Make fun of Paris Hilton.
Its never been done before.
Lucky color- Trailer Trash
Capricorn-While watching the
movie 2012, you will suddenly have
a revelation that once Hollywood
gets hold of an idea it immediately
becomes bullshit and irrelevant.
Lucky color- Lava
Aquarius- You will finally
comprehend irony when an
earthquake demolishes your home
in Jackson, WY while you listen to
Modest Mouse.
Lucky color- Teton White caps
Pisces- Put your best foot forward
this week. Of course deciding which
foot is the best will become easier this
week following a chainsaw accident
Lucky Color- Phantom limb
American Hero
Drinking and killing things. Two of the most celebrated American
pastimes. What red-blooded American doesn’t enjoy doing these things?
Now imagine if you could combine the two without worrying about one
interfering with the other. Unfortunately, the old shiny beer cans could
alert your presence to the deer, elk, fox, or human that you are hunting.
The failure of old beer cans to be conspicuous in the woods has led many
americans into an unnecessary moral dilemma: drink beer or hunt? Thanks to
Anheuser-Busch Brewing company’s utilization of the camouflage beer can
we no longer have to make this decision. Thanks to this week’s American
hero, we can now combine these two great American pastimes without one
inhibiting the other. Now if we could just continue to be able to see/shoot
straight, we could be successful at both at the same time. (Editor’s Note:
We at The Clarion do not condone or suggest using alcohol while hunting.
That’s what meth is for.) So next time you plan on trying to combine the
two most American of hobbies, remember to drink Busch. Just make sure
that you finish the beer before it has time to blend in with its surroundings.