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THE LAST FRONTIER
The Clarion \ Dec. 4, 2009
Horoscopes
As dictated to Joseph Smith in
the backwoods of Utah.
Aries- Next time someone doubts
your ability to do something and
you fail to do that thing, blame it on
that person for not supporting you.
It really makes you feel a whole lot
better.
Lucky color- De-river De-Nial
Taurus- You will overtake Jon
Gruden on the list of potential Notre
Dame football coaches. This is
mainly because, no matter who you
are, you are less of an asshole than
he is.
Lucky Color- Blue and gold
Gemini- Video games are a hobby,
not an occupation.
Lucky color- Pasty
Cancer- Daytime Television. Need
we say more?
Lucky color- Seizure
Leo- Do not take the recommendation
to stop drinking literally
Lucky color- Agua
Virgo- Getting on that Patron will not
guarantee that you will get like Yung
Joe
Lucky color- Bling
Libra- Test your coolness factor
out. Start wearing floaties in King’s
Creek. See if anyone else joins
Lucky color- Blow up yellow ducks
Scorpio- Your New Year’s Eve plans
will lead you to the love of your life,
too bad you will have no recollection
of meeting them on New Year’s Day
when you wake up.
Lucky color- Rainbow-out (Ten times
worse than a blackout)
Sagittarius- Making fun of Lindsay
Lohan has become so trendy even
she’s getting in on it.
Lucky color- Trailer Trash
Capricorn-When full-time surfer
bums begin unraveling the theory of
the universe maybe that means that
the universe itself is unraveling.
Lucky color- Mind-blowing
explosion
Aquarius- You will listen to Alanis
Morrisette in an attempt to finally
comprehend the complexities of
irony. You will fail miserably,
don’tcha think? No. We know. We
know.
Lucky color- Fuji Yama’s revenge
Pisces- You will be forced to drink
with the lead seinger of The Strokes.
This may sound enticing but beware
the 2-year hangover which will surely
ensue.
Lucky Color- Lightning bolt
headache
American Hero
Social networking has permeated every facet of
American life. This is best exemplified by this week’s
American Heros, Dana Hanna and Tracy Page. While
on the altar in the process of getting married, Dana and
Tracy chose to stop the wedding procedure right after
vows were exchanged, before the kiss, so that they
could update their relationship status on Facebook and
Twitter that they had tied the knot. We at the Clarion
wonder what is next? Will there be a pause graveside
before the moment of silence at a funeral to deactivate
someone’s facebook? “ And now we truly do commit
this person’s memory to the grave as we deactivate their Facebook account. Oh wait- how do I sign
in...is this capitalized?” For taking their commitment to their social networking site as seriously as
their commitment to one another, we at the Clarion salute Dana Hanna and Tracy Page, this week’s
American Heroes. May all their friends comment positively on their relationship status change, and
may Facebook always show that the two are, in fact, an item.