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THE LAST FRONTIER
The Clarion \ Feb. 5, 2010
Horoscopes
Found in the News section of
the National Enquirer
Aries- Go green. And by going green
I mean dye your body green. Might
not be good for the environment but
don’t worry about that.
Lucky color- Vert
Taurus- Cette semaine, vous pouvez
controler du monde.
Lucky Color- Envie
Gemini- When a significant other
breaks your heart this week, try
scoring your post-relationship break
up song list almost entirely of Creed
and Nickelback. At the least it’ll
make you feel better about yourself,
because you are n ot in either of these
two bands.
Lucky color- Silver Record
Cancer- Texts From Last Night
Lucky color- Nicotine
Leo-Until last week’s preditctions
come true, the stars are boycotting
your future due to a lack of effort on
your part to uphold their predictions.
Lucky color- (blank)
Virgo-Your life will be like the food
stand at a Wal-Mart.
Lucky color- Creepy Hot Dog
Libra- Just because that duck keeps
giving you attention doesn’t mean it
likes you. It really just wants you to
keep feeding it.
Lucky color- Moldy Bread
Scorpio- Take this week to walk
around campus as slowly and lazily
as possible-just to hold everyone up.
It’ll make you look super cool.
Lucky color- Boxers
Sagittarius- After numerous
incidents involving alcohol, sexuality.
profanity and other adult content,
your life will be labeled by the FCC
as TV-MA.
Lucky color- BLEEP!
Capricorn-Thanks to the
irritableness and indecision on the
part of the stars this week, you will
have trouble making your mind up.
Or not. Whatever, its not their fault.
Lucky color- Grey line
Aquarius- Your luck will finally
change when money begins falling
from the sky. Unfortunately for you,
you were on a good luck streak, and
small metal objects falling at high
velocities will cause brain damage.
Lucky color- Silver
Pisces- Steven Seagal will arrest you
this week on national television. This
may sound bad at first, but think of
how attractive you will look next to
him!
Lucky Color- Hair gel goo
American Hero
Begun in America (at least on the public stage) with the Salem
Witch Trials in the late 17th century, unexplained ‘natural’
phenomena have been attributed to supernatural forces at work.
Continuing in this tradition is Pat Robertson who finally figured
out why the Earth quaked in Haiti. Some of you may be reading
this wondering, “Hey, don’t moving tectonic plates cause
Earthquakes?” Well, you’d be wrong. Pat Robertson, through
extensive research, has deduced that the Haitians made a pact
with the devil to expel the French from their Island in the late
1700’s. Said Robertson, “Something happened a long time ago
in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about. [Haitians] were
under the heel of the French...and they got together and swore a pact to the Devil. They said, ‘we will serve
you if you’ll get us free from the French.’ True story. And the Devil said, ‘OK it’s a deal.’ Ever since, they have
been cursed by one thing after another.” Thank you Pat Robertson for finally clearing up that God hasn’t gone
quietly into that night and still has a little bit of his Old Testament style wrath left. For reminding people that
‘natural’ disasters are just proof that supernatural forces are still toying with our day to day lives, The Clarion
salutes Pat Robertson, this week’s American Hero.