Newspapers / Brevard College Student Newspaper / Feb. 19, 2010, edition 1 / Page 8
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Page 8 THE LAST FRONTIER The Clarion \ Feb. 19, 2010 Horoscopes Written by the Clarion Astrolotron Aries- You will be the subject for a new class-action lawsuit against the U.S. Olympic Selection Committee for discriminating against the physically unfit Lucky color- Red, white and blue Taurus- You will wake up in the early morning hours to unseasonal heat. Its not global warming, though, just someone playing with your thermostat. Lucky Color- Red, as in going in the Red due to bills. Especially heating bills. Gemini- While some people may feel that the highest form of self-expression for themselves is literature, and others may say music, you will make a convincing case that for you, it is booty-dancing. Lucky color- Whale Tail Cancer- Olympic Losers Lucky color- Sure isn’t Gold, Silver or Bronze Leo-Looking for a way to be considered cool? Meet interesting people and steal whatever you can from them. I hear that’s a great way to make friends. Lucky color- Missing Stickers Virgo- A sad commentary will be made on your life when you find out that you are the only person left who still cares about Brangelina. Lucky color- Tears Libra- Don’t like the articles in The Clarion? Complaining about it is the best way to contribute to the newspaper Not writing something for it. Lucky color- Colorblind Scorpio- You will make the U.S. Olympic Curling team Lucky color- Ice, Ice Baby Sagittarius- Where the hell is the Jamaican Bobsled team? Lucky color- Doug E. Doug Capricorn-Officials will attribute their capture of Baradar to your ‘Face on a Urinal Cake’ campaign Lucky color- Caf’s after effects Aquarius- Shitfaced Drunk should not be a literal description of you. Lucky color- Brown Nose Pisces- On the down side, you will be beaten after you tell the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to get off their high horse while protesting the Olympics. On the up side, your english grade will imporve as you gain better comprehension of the term ‘literal.’ Lucky Color- Black and blue, eh? Oh yahh! American Hero Those of you who have missed the ‘Sign of the Times’ feature lately or have fond memories of Veggie Tales are sure to enjoy this week’s American Hero. If you’ve been wondering what happened to Larry the Cucumber after Veggie Tales, we at The Clarion have found him, and he is this week’s American Hero. What is more American than a few bad investments dictating your professional career? Going into adult entertainment in order to pay off those debts. Larry’s spokesperson neither confirmed nor denied Larry’s fall from glory into the Adult advertising industry, but a Dallas/Fort Worth sex shop advertisement features a star with a striking resemblance. Drivers in the DFW area have been complaining about a lewd ad on the side of 1-35 featuring a scared cucmber and the words “Stop Vegetable Abuse.” Apparently drivers haven’t been too offended by it, however, since sales tripled the day after the sign went up. We at The Clarion want to salute Larry the Cucumber for finding success after Veggie Tales, even if that success comes in a diametrically opposed area of entertainment. No response yet from Veggie Tales about whether Larry’s deviant behavior contributed to the end of the show. ^ f ■" J V ^ J
Brevard College Student Newspaper
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Feb. 19, 2010, edition 1
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