Newspapers / The clarion : the … / April 9, 2010, edition 1 / Page 8
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Page 8 THE LAST FRONTIER The Clarion \ April 9, 2010 Horoscopes chiseled on the walls of recently discovered Aries- Scientists will announce that they have finally identified the missing link, noting that it was right in front of them every time they watched Robin Williams’ standup. Lucky Color-Robin Williams’ knuckles Taurus- Disappointment will be yours after learning that Komodo Dragons can neither fly nor breathe fire. Lucky Color- Halitosis Gemini- A foray into the business world will fail due to a curse placed upon you by Gepeto causing your nose to grow whenever you lie. Lucky color- A real boy Cancer-Your release of a rap album on Easter will be serendipitous as it will lead to you being hailed as Tupac’s second coming. Lucky color- Gunshot wounds Leo- The 3-D screen craze will end after computers begin to get in on the fad and someone loses an eye after getting poked while on Facebook. Lucky color- Red Rider BB Gun Virgo- Residents of coal mining towns will express regret over destroyed ecosystems after claiming they didn’t realize that mountaintop removal mining really meant mountaintop removal. Lucky color- Toxic Sludge Libra-Your attempts to lose weight based on so-called miracle cures will be thwarted by a distinct lack of a change in diet or increase in exercise. Lucky color- Not-so white undies Scorpio- After exorbitant amounts of complaining, you will take the suggestion to go fly a kite literally. On the up side, Brevard is very American Hero This week’s American Hero has a dire warning for naval officials who plan to put a naval base on the tiny island nation of Guam. Democratic Representative Hank Johnson from Georgia found a problem with the Navy’s plans, namely the island’s small size, already dangerous humber of inhabitants, and the totally feasible (think Atlantis) possibility that it might “tip over or capsize,” because islands are just floating landmasses, like ships. Guam, which already has 175,000 inhabitants, would increase its population by about 25,000 people should the naval base be built. If you read your Ancient Greek mythology, like Rep. Johnson obviously has, that was about the population of Atlantis the day the sea swallowed it, give or take a few airplanes and tanks. Johnson also warned incoming ships that there was a cracken on the loose in those waters and that if the sea doesn’t swallow the island, they are likely to be the victims of a dangerous sea monster attack. For understanding basic geology, plate tectonics, and having simple common sense, we salute Representative Johnson as this week’s American Hero. windy. On the down side, flying a kite in no way solves your problems. Lucky color- Butterfly! Sagittarius- You wifl receive a Congressional Medal of Honor when you finally find a way to get the ‘stars’ of Jon & Kate plus 8 out of the national spotlight Lucky color- Trainwreck Capricorn- Calling the shore of King’s Creek a beach doesn’t change the fact that you’re still 200+ miles away from the ocean. Lucky color- Melanoma Aquarius- Your rise to fame as a reality TV star will end when the truth comes out that you are not, in fact, the comedian Sinbad. Lucky color- Windbreaker Pisces- You are the next president of Kyrgyzstan Lucky Phrase- Can I buy a vowel, Pat? Left: Representative Hank Johnson Below: Rep. Johnson’s nemsis; the cracken!!!
April 9, 2010, edition 1
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