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THE LAST FRONTIER
The Clarion \ Dec. 10,2010
Aries (March 21-April 19): Winning one
conference game per season is quite an
accompiisliment. In a pee-wee league.
Please Remember: All You Run Is Your
Taurus (April 20-i^1ay20): Who needs
administrative transparency when you
can sneeze a hole through your dorm
Supervisors Assessment: Both Should Be
Gemini (i^lay 21-June 20): Slamming
a Four-Loco, Red Bull, Five Hour Energy,
vodka cocktail will give you a moment
of superhuman strength followed
immediately by the life functions of Terri
Lucky Medical Inventions: AED And
Cancer (June 21-Juiy 22): The Peekapoo
isn’t a hybridized breed of canine, but
rather the term utilized by gay men
to describe their penis’ motion during
Yep: We Gagged Too
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Your lack
of intelligence and a complete
misunderstanding will lead to an
unfortunate sexual harassment
revocation of your advisors tenure after
they tell you to approach next semester
"from a different angle."
Unfortunately: Your Stupid
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22): A
combination of clogged pores and facial
piercings will leave you looking like you
lost an epic fight with a tackle-box.
Post-Graduation Realization: Lures Are For
Fishing, Not For Faces
Delivered by your astrologically inclined Editor
in Chief: John M. Climer
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23): Dangling ear-
buds at around your neck at full blast isn’t
"listening to music." It’s just the most
efficient way to piss off everyone that’s
noton your team.
Please Realize: Doing This Is Like Having
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): When you
say you "run this campus," you fail to
realize that the phrase pertains only to
the weight-room schedule and a high-
school football stadium.
Keep In Mind: It’s Called Fantasy Football
For A Reason
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): When
attempting to lockdown a possible one
night stand, describing your yearning for
that person by using the phrase "tapping
the keg" will result in a "no hit-hen"
You Should: Think Before You Speak
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20): Receiving
a foot-job from your significant other will
result in a bacterial infection that makes
John Madden tremble in his slacks.
Lucky OTC Medication: Boom! Tough Actin’
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19): When
Eminem joins forces with the KKK, you’ll
learn the true meaning of: "stand there
and watch it burn."
It’s Ok: You Like The Way It Hurts
Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20): Your job
counting white squirrels will become
exponentially more difficult as the cold
weather causes them to turn brown.
Unfortunately: We Take What We Can Get
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Staff members to write, report, photo
graph, draw, edit, and sell advertise
ments for the student newspaper.
The Clarion needs your help! As a
volunteer staff member, you can
• earn academic credit in COM 106
• get a cool T-shirt for a job well done
• reap financial rewards for serving
Staff meetings are open to all
Fridays at 11:30 a.m.
in IVI-G 102
Sign of tlie Times
TRY tUR NEW
While nearly all of
us already knew, one
McDonald’s restaurant in
particular has taken it upon
themselves to put truth in
their ad campaigns.
Honesty is a virtue,
but the Clarion staff
recognizes that sometimes
ignorance is bliss. If this
is what McDonald’s is
serving, we don’t want to
know what’s in an Aramark