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Page 8 THE LAST FRONTIER The Clarion \ April 15,2011 WANTED Staff members to write, report, photograph, draw, edit, and sell advertisements for the student news paper. The Clarion needs your help! As a volunteer staff member, you can • Earn academic credit in COIV1106 • Get a cool T-shirt for a job well done • Looks good on a resume • Enter to win tickets to a Modest Mouse concert • Get access to the sweet office in MG • Become a finalist for Bio-Dome 2 • Have your voice heard around campus • Be recognized for your service to BO • Reap financial rewards for serving Brevard Col lege Staff meetings are open to all Fridays at 11:30 a.m. in IVI-G 102 Translation contest winners ^ 3.013 Don’t worry about who wrote them: Libyan Rebel: “Why is your battleship’s name in Arabic?” Obama: “Camouflage” Obama: “Did I leave my birth certificate here?” Libyan Rebel: “49 years ago.” Libyan Rebel: “And Gaddafi says, ‘Wrecked em?” Obama: “Damn near killed em!” Obama: “Did you hear that Patrick Swayze died?” Libyan Rebel: “Roadhouse.” Libyan Rebel: “Dr Huxtable?” Bill Cosby: “Yep.” The Clarion editors present: This week in tlie futui^... maybe (April 15 - 21] April 15, 2066 Obama finally produces his birth certificate. According to Obama, the certificate was in a FedEx box on its way to B.C. when the plane went down on a uninhabited island. Luckily, it was the only package the now bearded, sole survivor of the crash didn’t loot in order to survive. “Gotta have hope,” said Obama. April 16, 2069 Notorious serial killer Hank “Hands across America” Mardukis is finally captured in his home in Long Beach, CA. Mardukis has been convicted in more than 50 murder cases, one in each state of the union, after police found a room full of severed hands, which was his calling card, from the victims in Webb’s Long Beach apartment. Webb’s Pokemon philosophy finally caught up to him, but at least he got them all. April 17, 2060 Though “March of the Ficus” proves to be a box-office bust, Morgan Freeman continues to make action comedies and doing punch-up and voice-overs for Visa commercials. April 18, 2014 Scientists reveal that there is more to Sprite than just lemon and lime. Homemade Sprite breweries force Coke into bankruptcy with the ad dition of a half gallon of gin. April 19, 2115 New Zodiac sign discovered: The Caterpillar (April 04 - 3 to 11 p.m.). Traits include lack of spine, ability to morph into a winged insect, good listener, easy on the eyes, and weakness to lights, nets and 12 year-olds. April 20, 2300 Astronauts Lovell, Haise and Swigert were scheduled to fly Apollo 80, but are moved up to 79. America has already achieved their lunar landing goal, and now shoot for the red planet. Until that is, things go very wrong, and prospects of a safe return fade... Starring Tom Hanks. April 21, 2865 Africa is renamed: “Fights-a-Lot Land.” Madagascar is renamed: “Penguin Parade Island.”
Brevard College Student Newspaper
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April 15, 2011, edition 1
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