iiii
(JEALOUS WIFE from page 5)
importantly, is the relationship decidedly
monogamous or non-monogamous (one lover or
more than one for those of you who happily
don't speak therapese). Perhaps when some
of these questions and their answers are
unraveled, the complexities of jealousy
and how it functions in a particular
relationship can be better understood.
This is not to say that a pop quiz in
Jealousy 101 will put an end to this
societal menace. As we all know only too
well, relationships take work, and jeal
ousy doesn't go away when we close our
eyes or simply admit to it. Action is the
key. Something I have found useful to
help turn those nightmares (yau know, the
ones where you strangle the waitperson
after you've found them in bed with your
lover) into something manageable is con
fronting the person(s) who seems to be
inspiring these "neuroses of the night."
By this I do not mean walking up to her
and saying, "Listen, I know you're lusting
after my wife, and you have 'til sunset to
get out of Dodge City." But hy confront
ing, I mean thinking about the person that
your lover may be attracted to and try to
perceive them as a real human being com
plete with strengths and weaknesses, good
and bad moods, and maybe even dirty laun
dry and P.M.S. This is all part of what's
known as the "own your problem" approach
to stress management, which may work and
may not. But the Grad. Scout Handbook
suggests trying a variety of strategies
(coffee flinging not being one of them)
and finding one that makes sense to you—
and lets you sleep better at night.
Aside from the obvious issues of
clarity and honesty, dealing with jealousy
implicitly involves issues of trust. What
trust means to both partners, what level
of trust both partners want to work
towards, how this might be done, etc. are
all crucial issues to explore in any
relationship.
We all grew up in a hierarchical,
patriarchal society that deals in buying
and selling women and teaches us how to
possess them. Thought you'd escape the
P»c. punchline, eh? No such luck. The
images of women of color in the media
provide the most horrifying example of
this. It should be no surprise to anyone
that this type of attitude which is codi
fied through laws, socialization and
education in this country takes its toll
On all of us, regardless of race, class,
gender, or sexual orientation.
Dealing with the emotions and issues of
possession and jealousy is something we
^11 will experience at some time in our
lives, whatever the type of relationship
nnd whatever our politics. There are as
nany approaches as there are gays and^
lesbians. But one thing is certain: if an
end to the oppression of women, and hence,
^ liberation of humankind is in sight, the
^ork starts at home. As Meg Christian
Says, "It's an inside job." Communicate,
liberate, and love one another.
Education for freedom must begin by
stating facts and enunciating values, and
must go on to develop appropriate tech
niques for realizing the values and for
combating those who, for whatever reason,
choose to ignore the facts or deny the
values.
-Aldous Huxley
Brave New World Revisited
r r r r r r r
L. Patrick Gage, vice president for
exploratory research at Hoffman-LaRoche,
explaining why pharmaceutical firms have
given low priority to developing drugs to
treat or prevent AIDS; "This will sound
awful, but you have to understand that
1,000,000 people isn't a market that's
exciting. Sure, it's growing, but it's
not an asthma or a rheumatoid arthritis."
(reported in the Los Angeles Times)
J J J J J J J
It is my thesis that the core of the
problem for women today is not sexual but
a problem of identity—a stunting or
evasion of growth that is perpetuated by
the feminine mystique.
-Betty Friedan
The Feminine Mystique
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