lack Ink
Commentary
Sex And Love At UNC: The War Continues
Page 10
December 3
4/
By Tonika M. Tillman
Staff
Overall, African-American students at
UNC have developed strong ties to each
other because of our “relative scarcity” on
a predominantly white campus. We have
addressed our need to be acknowledged as
a powerful presence, we have fought (and
are still fighting) to be treated fairly and
equally without overt or subtle prejudice
and racism and most importantly, we are
working to fulfill our needs for greater unity
and greater power so that each individual
African-American student is able to form
his or her own self-identity.
For an individual student to form a self-
identity, he or she needs more than fine-
tuned academic skills and talents, leader
ship skills in various organizations, athletic
ability and so on. Everyone has a need for
companionship, love, support, understand
ing and true caring from a member of the
opposite sex. Having a relationship is an
integral part of preparation for long-term
relationships after graduation. For one to
avoid commitment to a long-term relation
ship is to deprive himself or herself of a life-
shaping, growth-inducing expmence.
This is not to say that relationships are
necessary for one’sexistence and that all re
lationships are wonderful. It is inevitable
that hurt feelings and lost loves will happen
to most of us at one point or another in our
lives. Through it all, relationships help us
to grow as individuals and ultimately as a
people. Society begins with the originators
of life— a man and a woman. This relation
ship should be cultivated and preserved
throughout life. Unfortunately, there seems
to be some disillusionment and lack of
awareness of this crucial truth among Afri
can-American males and females on this
campus.
Let’s start from the beginning where the
core problem is most clearly seen when you
walk on the yard around 12:30 p.m.— the
infamous ratio. The proportion of African-
American females to African-American
males is exceedingly high. This becomes
even more evident when you go to a week
end jam and you observe groups of five to
seven females standing around two or three
males or when you see groups of females
sitting together at a dance basically isolated
within the crowd and looking as if they are
trying to find just a few familiar male faces
to joke around and socialize with. The bad
part is that some of our men take advantage
of this bleak situation. According toa female
sophomore, “Guys know they are in de
mand. They play on this, and we don’t mind
because we want that attention.”
This “phenomena” is all too evident
among those males who are automatically
“in demand” because of their social status
in the university community— the frater
nity brothers and athletes. These males are
usually the most popular or sought after be
cause of the organization or clique that they
are affiliated with. Too often, many sisters
have a preference for these types. Instead of
seeking out a companion because of the
person that he is, they seek him out because
of what he represents and because of the
potential popularity of being seen with
someone of his social status. This results in
a subtle competition among African-Ameri
can females. They not only compete for a
companion from a small population of
males, but they also compete for certain
males within this small pool, thus exclud
ing the not-so-popular males from what is
seen as the best available men.
It also seems like some African-Ameri-
can men are not particularly interested in
maintaining a serious relationship with one
woman. As one student noted, “As soon as
my friend joined [the fraternity], he began
to feel like he was missing something by
staying with one girl when there were so
many other girls on campus. So he ended a
two-yearrelationship. Hisreasoning— ‘why
spend all my time with one girl when I can
have three or four?’
As evidenced by the above statement,
the unbalanced proportion of females to
males on this campus has far-reaching
consequences on the behavior and thinking
of both sexes. This ratio problem, however,
is still not a justifiable reason for some of
the African-American men to go from
woman to woman, nor is it reason enough
for females to set their sights on those men
who, because of their status, are virtually
unattainable because of the stiff competi
tion. As a people, it is necessary for us to get
serious about what such attitudes will cost
us in the future when we are ready to settle
down and start families. We already know
that the status of the African-American
family in the United States is tenuous at
best, so it follows that it is self-defeating to
continue jeopardizing the crucial man/
woman relationship from which families
originate by such divisive behaviors.
Furthermore, African-American students
on this campus and as a whole have a ten
dency to base virtues and looks on com
plexion. It seems as though there are certain
types who gravitate to each other. Those
who are considered to be “fine and good-
looking” naturally seek out those whose
looks are ‘comparable’ to theirs. Our light-
complexioned sisters who have the long,
thick wavy hair are automatically seen as
“fine” based on those two attributes. Our
brown-complexioned sisters are often
deemed not as “good-looking.” Nothing
infuriates a brown-complexioned woman
more than the phrase “You’re cute for a
dark-skinned girl.” This asinine statement
encompasses all the myths and beliefs that
the eurocentric culture has imbedded into
the minds of our people- the lighter you are,
the better you are (Simply stated, “if you’re
light, you’re all right, if you’re brown, you’ll
stay around, if you’re black, get back”).
This is not condemning the long-haired,
light-complexioned female for her attrib
utes and neither is it advocating bitter feel
ings and animosity from her brown-com
plexioned counterpart, for all African-
American women are beautiful. We should
all take off our rose-colored glasses and see
the dichotomy that exists on this campus
between the sisters. Our sisters should unite,
instead of divide, lift each other up, instead
of putting each other down, progress, in
stead of regress.
Lastly, but by no means the least impor
tant aspect of male/female relations, is sex.
Sex is considered to be a normal part of
relationships on this campus and every
where else. But as we all know, sex has its
pitfalls as well as its pleasures. With STDs
rampant, everyone must use extra caution
and discretion when deciding who to be
come intimate with. Also, where there are a
greater number of single people than there
are couples, the occurrence of sexual rela
tions with a variety of people is very high.
Sadly enough, most sexual encounters do
not end in a serious relationship. It doesn’t
do any good for people to preach “don’t
have sex until you get married” in that
although its honorable, it is a very difficult
thing to do in this day and age. The most
practical advice is to have sexual relations
with only one person and try to make that
relationship work instead of bed-hopping.
All too often, males and females fall into a
vicious cycle of meeting someone, barely
getting to know them for two or three weeks
and then begin having sex. The “relation
ship” eventually ends after a short period of
time and the same thing happens ov^ and
over again and the persons involved may
become labeled as “easy.” It is especially
hard for African-American females to es-
Ci^ this labeling because of the double
standard that continues to exist and because
of the infamous ratio where one male can be
involved with many females. The female
who has needs for companionship and at
tention sometimes settles for this second-
best arrangement.
This second-best arrangement can be
alleviated when we as a collective body of
young, intelligent, and proud African-
American men and women unite. We must
realize how much we intensify the infa
mous ratio problem through taking advan
tage of it, competing for partners, by using
complexion as a basis for determining at
tractiveness, and by having multiple sexual
partners instead of one person. By continu
ing to aggravate the problem with these
behaviors we ultimately prevent ourselves
from attaining a positive self-identity
through a rewarding relationship, building
potential marriages, families, and a brighter
future for our people.
The futiu'e of the African-American
people is inextricably bound to the future of
the man/woman relationship.
••••••••••