Point After Touchdown
By Chris L. Brown
Can I Get An Amen?! (Y'all*
Dont Hear Me)
Ahh, yeah! One of the back
bones of the African American
community—the church. I mean,
as kids (younger kids, anyway),
we may have looked forward
more to choosing a switch to get
whooped with than donning that
blue polyester suit and red noose
like bow tie, but hey — we
wouldn’t have done it diffwently
if we could do it again. The church
is like a weekend soap opera,
though: so many characters,plots
below subplots, dastardly dea
cons, gossipin’ goober gobblers.
It’s kind of a shame that we have
diverged so far from the original
design of church, but I sincerely
think despite all this stuff, the true
message still gets through.
But I’m a columnist, a self-
proclaimed verbal sculptor of
chuckles, so you know that I’m
gonna pick on those people! So
let’s, as they say, git it started!
Hmm...where should I start?
Decisions, decisions...ya see, I
could talk about the Steeple Push
ers. Those folk who never take off
their dark overcoats, who always
seem to stalk in the comers, who
look as if they are doing a gospel
stakeout instead of worshiping and
serving. I don’t know about your
church at home, but mine is right
down thestreetfiromaHolly Farms
chicken joint, and I could set my
watch by the sure bet of the Steeple
& Entertainment
BHal
Pushers sneakin’ (or so they
thought) down for a quick bite. I
always thought they had meetings
with the devil. No, wait!! That’s
what my older sister told me to
keep me from tryin’ to go! That’s
ahhright. She’ll hear from my at
torney.
At my church, we had people
who spoke in tons. Yes, tons, not
tongues. I’m talking about the
quasi-gossipers! These people
should work for the CIA, because
nothing escapes their scope of
vision, nothing. We’ve heard it—
and participated, some of us (you
know who you are) — all before.
“Fanny! Ooooh weee! That’s a
mighty fine hat you got on this
momin’, girl! Where’d you get it?
They was a sale down at the flea
market? Mmm-M! I’mo get me
one. Oh! Lo*! There’s that young
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-Candidates For All Campus Offices-
As of January 31 until February 4, Black Ink will be accepting statements from all candidates for
campus offices wishing 10 be featured in the February 11 issue of Blacklnk. For information on the
format of these statements and to set up an appointment to be photographed please contact either
Erika F. Campbell or Akinwole N’Gai Wright in theB/ocit/nifcoffice (Suite 108-D, Carolina Union).
Pitts girl. Look at that tight dress!
She’s like to bust out of that any
second now! And the way she
switches..iord have mercy! Isaw
her talkin’ to Pastor Jenkins’ son,
too. Sho’nuff! I think she wants to
‘baptize’ him! And look! There go
that little Brown kid. What’s his
name? Chris? Fanny, I thank he
got a problem. Always walkin’
around talkin’ to himself and those
little army men...po’ child! He
needs some soul food and a good
whoopin’...”
I’ve got a secret fact to share
with you. Eighty percent of hip
hop dance moves originate in
church. Nolie.C’mon,now—you
know that every Sunday, the choir
was steppin’ as hard as the head
deacon was atFreddie’s nightclub
the night before! Gospel Expo —
kickin’ it live! We had drums, a
bass and lead guitar, a multi-voiced
organ, a piano (with an insane
pianist, beheve me), thenurse train
ees offering an intermittent “Say
what?”, and the bald-headed elder
beat-boxing in the back. The choir
would move too, boyee! They
would break it down and have you
singing the 23rd Psalm the entire
way home. There was always that
one person up there whose voice
had the tune of a rare African ele
phant, but that’s all right, because
those mugs were saingin' (not
singing)!
And of course, the center of the
attention, the recipient of the
‘happy’ throes (and the tithes), the
preacher. I have always been
amazed by African American
people blessed with the abiUty to
preach. It’s like watching a car
start, rev (no pun intended), shift
gears,andbumtheroadup! Imag
ine your best preacher voice while
reading this next part.
“Good morning, family. (Con
gregation: “Good morning, pas
tor.”) It’s always fulfilling and
uplifitng to see your glorious faces
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here in church. The Lx>rd smiles
upon those who are eager to praise
his name. (Congregation:
“Amen.”) And that’s what I’m here
to share with you about today, my
brothers and sisters: praising the
Lord. (Deacon’s row: ‘Take yo’
time, now.”) Now, some folk think
that they praise the Lord before
they eat at, uh, McDonalds, (pause)
Y’all don’t hear me. I say (Shift
into 2nd gear) some folk think that
they praise the Lord before they
eat a Big Mac! (Congregation:
chuckles) Well let me tell you this:
Food, Folks, and Fun ain’t gon get
it done. (Shift into 3rd; Deacon’s
row: “Preach!”) And Ronald
McDonald is not going to be there
to answer your prayers! (Congre
gation: “Amen”; shift into 4th)
You’ve got to pray! You’ve got to
get down on your knees, and peti
tion! You know why?! Cause He’s
got. He’s got. He’s got what you
need? (loud “Amen”, applauses)
Now y’all may as well wake up
momin’, because I ain’t gon let
you snore! (Deacons row:
“Waal!”) Ain’t that right. Brother
Jones? (Brother Jones wakes up)
The Lord is not going to let you
rest, until you get down on your
knees, and praise him! You got to
say, ‘Lord?’ (Organ chords)
‘Lord!’ (Organ chords) ‘Lord?’
(Organ chords) ‘Lord! ’ (Hold the
first chord, then pump the second
one) (5th gear —Sing Preaching)
‘I need you Lord! ’ (Organ chorus)
‘I ne-hee-heed you Lo-000
oooooord!’ (Congregation gets
happy)
They say not many of these
kinds of churches exist on the West
Coast. Well, I hope not, because
my non-pork’n beans eatin’, L.A.
livin’ (God willing), star spottin’,
non-Clippers likin’ tail will be on
the plane home every weekend!
Because the church is where it’s
at.
CAROLINA UNION
PRESIDENT
Inforrnation & Applications
at the Union Desk.
Deadline: Friday, Feb. 8
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