tv ^
no one knew. Tom never hit me in
the face, so people couldn’t just
look at me and tell. But when I
went to the hospital the second
time, my sister-in-law came in my
room crying. She said ‘Toni, I
know what’s going on. I don’t
Ijelieve it was just an accident’.”
Tom’s sister knew the signs
Ijecause their mother had been
abused by their father. Certain
studies have revealed that men who
grow up in this kind of atmosphere
are prone to be violent.
“She told me right then that I
needed to get help, but I didn’t. I
just keep hoping that things were
going to get better,” Toni said.
About six months after Toni’s
hospitalization, Tom’s sister con
vinced him to join Alcoholics
Anonymous. After he entered the
program, he once again became
the loving man that Toni had first
married. Toni was relieved that
Battered Women
By Nevaina Graves
Contributor
She gropes into a comer in her
frantic search to escape. Sliding
down the wall like a mechanical
doll whose battery is slowly being
drained, she huddles in the comer
like an infant. Hct muffled whin
ing sounds like the panting agony
of a hurt puppy, or like the weep
ing of a scolded child who has
been told to either stop crying or
be spanked again.
Her daughter clutches her pil
low and buries her head deep into
its softness, trying to drown out
the screams, curses and cries. She
presses her eyelids together with
all the strength her fragile 7-year-
old body can muster, squeezing so
tightly her head begins to pound.
When she opens her eyes, all is
silent Her father is gone and her
mother is on the phone making
arrangements to stay at arelative’s
house for the night
According to a 1989 report
issued by the Orange County
Human Rights Commission, as
sault is the most frequent crime in
this country. A woman is battCTed
every 18 seconds.
It is estimated that between one-
fourth and one-third of married
women experience soious vio
lence in their homes. The same
report said that four out of five
murdered women are killed by men
A True Story
— and nearly half are married to
their murderer.
Battery is a growing concem in
rural, low-income areas because
the potential fw violence is height
ened by the use of alcohol or drugs.
Some figures indicate that more
than half of the incidents of battery
occurs in impoverished house
holds.
The situation is worsened by
the fact that these women don’t
have the resources to seek help.
This makes volunteer organiza
tions that offer counseling all the
more significant.
Rebecca Dare, a counselor at a
battered women’s home, maintains
that the first step in getting out of
these relationships is for a woman
to defme and recognize the abuse.
“Often women will come to
talk to me, and they will tell me
that their husband is aggressive
Dare said. “They will say that he
slaps them, pushes them or grabs
them. But when I ask them if they
considCT themselves as a battered
wife, the answer is ‘no’.”
Apparently, these women real
ize that something is wrong; how
ever, there is a constant reluctance
to label their experience as bat
tery. This is part of thedenial stage.
According to psychological stud
ies, a woman will either go through
denial, or she may go through the
stage of blaming herself and say
things such as, “It was my fault
because I always make him mad,
or “Couples always argue. I’m just
making a big deal out of nothing.
“Every woman has her own
tolerance level,” Dare said. “It isn ’ t
until she says that enough is enough
that we can help her. I can only
point out the signs. She has to
logically put them together.”
After recognition of the prob
lem, the hard part begins — help
ing the woman get out of the situ
ation. She may be faced with the
reality of a husband who refuses to
leave the home, meaning that she
and her children may be out on the
streets. Or she may leave and have
to deal with hCT husband follow
ing her.
‘Toni” was one woman who
had gotten help fix)m a woman’s
center. She is black, 39 years old
and the mother of two. She was in
an abusive relationship for eight
years.
“At first I couldn’t see what
was happening,” Toni said. “It all
started so slowly. The first time he
slapped me I should have left him,
but I didn’t”
This initial slap turned into three
hospital visits, broken bones,
bmises and emotional scars. And
despite the fact that the same thing
was happening to an estimated 300
million women all over the world,
Toni felt isolated and alone.
“I had no one to turn to, and that
was probably due to the fact that
loud, Ma. We weren’t’ I was furi
ous.
“I stormed into the bedroom
and told him he had no right to
punish my children. He said that
they were his children, too, and he
would punish them any damn way
he pleased. He jumped up and
back-handed me. I fell to the floor
and hit my head on the table. I felt
a warm trickle run down my face.
At first I thought I was crying, but
it was blood. That was the first
time he ever made me bleed. It
scared me so bad that I knew I had
to leave before he killed me.”
Dare worked closely with Toni,
who is now divorced and raising
her two children without any child
support. In fact, she has neither I
seen nor heard from Tom in four]
years.
“It is hard raising the kids alone,
but at least I’ve got some peace of
mind,” she said. “I’m not shaking
Feature
she weathered the storm and
believed everything was going to
be okay.
Everything was okay — for
about a year and a half. Then Tom
lost his job and the drinking started
again. So did the abuse. Toni said
Tom was out of work for four
months, and all he did during that
time was sit around the house and
drink.
Toni recalls the night that she
finally decided enough was
enough; “I had come home from
night class and the kids were
crying. My oldest son came up to
me and said that their father had
spanked them for making too much
noise. Hekept saying,‘We weren’t
every time I hear the front door
open. I’m not afraid for my life, or |
for my children. It was worth it.
Statistics show that close to one-
third of the women in these situ
ations are not as fortunate as Toni.
Many women simply cannot find |
a place to hide, or a way to escape.
They either don’t have the re-1
sources to pack up and leave, or
cannot get police officers to en
force restraints.
Dare said the police can’t take I
legal action unless an actual crime
has been committed. Imminent
danger is not enough. “Unfortu
nately, often by the time the police
get actively involved, it’s no longer
a battery case—it’s murder.”
Want To Make A Difference?
Join
The Campus Y
The Campus Y is currently accepting
applications for 1991-1992 coor^nator positions.
No experience is required. Please
come by and pick up an application
as soon as possible.
Applications Due by 5:00 Friday,
March 1 at the Campus Y
Black Ink February 18,1991