I B B
V'
VOL. 4. NO. )2
ST. ANDREWS PRESBYTERIAN COLLEGE, LAURINBURG, N. C.
MAY 14, 1965
Christians Go All Out; Claude
Attempts N ew Conversions
Strangely Believelt
By CHUCK FARLEY
♦Number of times during his * incidence
April 7th C&C 202 lecture that
Dr. Reddick said “ah” - 714.
♦Amount of annual tuition in
crease for next year - $160.
Any bets as to where it’ll be by
1970, if we don't get any en
dowment?
♦Rough percentage of women
(or girls) in Concord dorm who
weren’t asked to the Concord-
LANCE formal dance - 40%.
Somethii^ the Publicity Com
mittee neglected to emphasize
. . . “niis is National Garden
Week - take a wallflower to the
May 1st dance.”
♦Ratio of support given to the
recently proposed “Honor Com
munity” Code, voted upon along
with the new Constitution - re
jected, two to one. St. Andrews
continues without honor.
♦Number of beach trips on these
warm, sunny weekend (closely
correlates with recent revision
of C&C 202 weekly testing sched
ule) - figures still pouring in.
♦Number of deadline evenii^s
during which the LANCE staff
has heroically remained into the
morning hours in order to provide
you with the very best in news
and sports coverage, editorials,
features, cartoons, philosoiiiy,
and other amusing trash. - 13.
♦Number of new dorms this year
- one.
♦Number of new dorms quickly
and expertly converted into beat-
up OLD dorms, this year - one,
♦Number of wastelands this year
- 17. (King’s Mountain courtyard,
and 16 classrooms).
♦Faculty loss this year - gross,
3. net, 0.
♦Number of buildings remaining
to be built in 1st phase of Build
ing Plans - 5.
♦Number of umbrellas suddenly
and violently destroyed in local
horizontal rainstorms this year -
, 39, and a rib.
♦Number of professors whose
initials also stand for “Rat Fink”
- one.
of “flinch” reflex
noted among freshmen and sopho
mores at mention of the name
“Brinton” - 97% and rising.
(3% unconscious)
♦Minimum length oftimeneces-
ary to get a busy signal, by dial
ing “2” at night (for you busy
signal fans) - 1.2 seconds.
♦Number of people who ought to
try Marnie MacFarlane’s pene
trating capsule psychoanalysis -
851 students, 138 faculty and ad-
minstration members.
♦Number of NEW “traveling
salesmen” for St. Andrews this
year - none.
♦Number of people provided by
the college to check your cuts -
4. Mrs. Bullock, Mrs. Stepheris,
Louis LaMotte, and the LANCE
censor who proofs this article.
♦Maximum possible accommo
dation of tennis courts for stu
dents, faculty, AND administra
tion - 2.4%.
♦Number of LANCE editors to
date not in WHO’S WHO - one.
The PRESENT one.
♦Number of varsity athletic
scholarships given for next year
- none.
♦New dormitory auxiliary fa
cilities built this year - two.
(located on baseball field),
♦Number of administration
members from Other side of lake
at present at the Stringfellow
lecture - none.
♦Number of Negro students at
St. Andrews this year - none.
♦Ford Foundation endowment at
St. Andrews this or any year -
lone. (see above for reason)
♦Number of student body presi
dents who before coming here
attended the Citadel for two
weeks, beat a hasty retreat be
cause it was too rough - -?
People talk about the moral ur
gency of race relations and
poverty, but here at St. Andrews
the Christians know otherwise.
After all those problems don’t
exist in this area. It’s that den
of iniquity just about eight miles
south that needs purging. That
evil place where the devil rears
his foamy head nightly and en
snares poor unsuspecting St,
Andrews’ students in his bubbling
web.
Well sir, Claude just couldn’t
stand it any longer. The Chris
tians have been the brunt of
criticism concerning apathy too
long. As a parting service to
God and school he decided to
do something about this horrible
situation single-handedly. With
Bible in hand, God on his side
and the good graces of the ad
ministration (who have long been
aware of this most vexing pro
blem) Claude ventured forth one
stormy night. Of course with
“fear and trembling” (and a
little shivering - he forgot his
rain coat in his anxiety to get
at those sinners).
It was just as Claude had al
ways suspected (you see he had
discussed the situation many
times with his fellow Christians,
back at school of course, safe
from ole Satan who has been
restricted to below the border
by the good people of the com
munity in their age old stniggle
with this fiend). Potentially good
students were wallowing In sin,
guzzling beer, talking of gross
ly secular matters, and even,
even - oh It’s almost too de
cadent to mention - they were
actually indulging in physical
contact in the back room. Well,
the Old Testament talks of the
wrath of God, but those ole He
brews just didn’t realize what
righteous indignation could be
(unless some of them, in their
angellzed forms of course, just
happened to be passing over on
their way to some more sancti
fied ground), Claude could hard
ly restrain himself when he first
layed his eyes on such debauch
ery. It exceeded his wildest
Imaginings and all those of his
fellow Christians. He didn’t know
where to start. It would sure take
a lot of good ole evangelizing,
continued on page 7