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APHIi. FOOt’S DAY, 1998
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AFD1: Aliens Invade Chowan Campus^ Cause Trouble
by Ortin Redmiht
A heavily-armed alien attack
squadron invaded Chowan last
Wednesday, destroying the
Columns Building, drinking
all the students' alcohol, vio
lated the visitation policy and
clogging the toilets. At present
the college has not commented
on how they will respond to
this act of terrorism.
It began early Wednesd^
morning, when two Squirrel
Paik freshmen were
approached by aliens who they
describe as looking “like they
came from another planet or
something.” Following an
exchange hindered by a lan
guage barrier, the aliens,
according to one student
“zapped us...with a ray gun
that made us late for our 10:00
class.” Their professor, unwill
ing to believe this at first,
gave them an absence in the
roll book.
By midday the aliens had
destroyed the cafeteria and
turned most of campus securi
ty irto compulsive magicians.
Unable to do anything but
card trick and the Indian rope
trick, the situation degenerated
in to a state of sweaty-palmed
panic as a huge mother ship,
described by witnesses as
looking “like it came from
outer space or something.”
settled over Coliurms. With
terrifying swiftness, the
Columns Building exploded.
A witness on the seen said;
“Crap! I’ll never get my flnan-
cial aid forms signed!”
The aliens then took the
opportunity to speak to the
masses who had gathered at
the ruined mass that Columns
building had been, and said
the following:
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A witness on the scene was
quoted as saying: “Huh?”
In the meantime, a group of
students who had been work
ing to get the latest issue of
the Chowan Forum, led by
Doctor of Joumahsm and
well-renowned shooter Lewis
Smith, managed to defeat the
aliens by putting sugar in
their gas tank, an act which
had the small, and barely
noticed effect of taking out all
of the trees in Squirrel Park.
Several alien siuvivors were
taken out of the saucer and put
to trial on the spot.
Dr. Smith reconunended
“that they should be hung
from their heels on iron tele
phone poles on the way to
Ahoskie,” as they were
“brutes and lazy human
scum” This extreme solution
was discarded in favor of a
mass public pantsing of the
ahens, followed by helicopter
wedgies for the lot of them.
“Their last meal was a beefy
can of buttkick,” one of the
participants in the aliens’ pun
ishment said.
WARNINGf SMOKE Signals \s a parody issue. All people, places
THINGS. ARE ONLY ATTACKED IN THE SPIRIT OF GOOD APRIL FOOCS DAY
- FUN.