Letters to the Editor:
a forem fer litterrasee
Write Your Own Letter to the Editor!
(A fill-in-the blank letter that will make it easier to
serve y014. . .on toast)
Dear .
I am writing to complain about your article
about . I think this is an (expletive) affront to the
whole community. You were wrong to do this because of our
ciurent problems with {-check one- Retention Funding
Parking Violations Student Morale Other). It’s talk like
this which will not help us get out of our current (expletive)-
up situatioa I ought to tie the long hair on your head to the
short hair on your (expletive) and kick you down the street! ?
I’ve been going to this school for (# of months) and I’ve
never heard anything so ( absurd ridiculous idiotic
^eerily accurate expletive ^other). You couldn’t even
write a decent church paper! You ought to have your tripe put
in a ( shredder toilet Dimn toilet ^open grave ^bio
logical orifice (specify ) ^other. You had no right at all to
put that (expletive) in the paper. From now on, I think I'd bet
ter read Campus Columns.
(Assumed Initials)
P.S. (expletive) (expletive) (expletive)!!!!!!
You Thought it Was Bad in Mixon?
Dear Mr. Editor-Person,
I live in a refrigerator box just outside Dunn Hall, and I’m
here to tell you that that that there J.P fella had it wrong. Five
minutes ago, we had a backup in the box’s sewer line, which
meant 1 couldn’t use the sliower OR the bathroom, if I had
either.
When people come from another hall, or ever worse from
off-campus to get drunk and don’t offer me none, I gits reel
madder. Then I tells then to kiss my grits, just like Flo used to
say. I miss Flo. I wish I still had a TV, or ‘lectricity.
The point I’m tiyin’ ta make I can’t remember, because I’m
scribblin’s this on a snotty napkin with a crayon in one hand
and bottle of Outhouse beer in the other, -hie-1 hope dem
RA’s beet up dat dere JP. 1 miss Flo. -hic-
-PBJ (not JP)
Smoke Signals welcome any teller lo its paper, so long as you don t
say anything that could gel us in trouble. Letters should be dictated
by the voices in your head and written in ancient Mayan on a pyra
mid Please send the completed letter to.. somebody else
Alternative
Musician Cloning
Ring Busted
by Joel Gertner
A secret cloning concern
who had been creating artifi
cial female musicians in a lab
oratory was brought to justice.
Their master plan to conquer
the music business by flooding
it with scuzzy-looking “alter
native” female singers, after
their previous plot to clone
Nirvana was finally stopped
(but not before Bush,
Matchbox 20, and Live
escaped capture).
The group’s genetic tem
plates, Paula Cole, Alanis
Morrisette. and Tori Amos
were liberated from the test
tube where their DNA had
been combine to create what
most music critics called
“abominations of sound.”
“This brings to an end the
reign of terror perpetrated by
clones like Fiona Apple and
Meredith Brooks,” noted
music critic Tone Def.
“Maybe now talent will have
more to do with music than
looking like an unrepentant
heroin addict flouncing in
your underwear.”
While authorities have yet to
determine what, if anything,
they will do with the clones,
they will not letting them play
any musical instruments. “Not
even a kazoo,” said Speical
Agent XYZ of the PYTs, a
secret division of the MiBs.
“We’ve even rigged Fiona
here with a bra that will
explode when she comes with
in a hundred feet of the MTV
awards. You can’t take any
chances with these clones.”
For their part, the three
singers who had been the
genetic templates for the pro
ject were freed, and planned to
record an album of polka
tunes together.
This brings to an end a reign
of terror perpetrated by this
group, with deep ties to MTV.
Tteir plan was simple; find
the latest buigeoning fad in
music, replicate it to the point
of absurdity, and cash in while
it lasts. Their plan might have
continued to work, had they
decided to field someone with
talent.
T.N. Yannertaz
Took This
Cartoon!
Quote of the Month:
-The Aliens