The Wesleyan decree. online resource (None) 1961-current, February 22, 2002, Image 4
PAGE 4— THE DECREE — FEBRUARY 22,2002 Editortai^ Campus ready to enjoy spring measures.- A vision of the future? Dawning of a different day Well, it’s just about that time again to prepare for warmer weather and set your sights on the next break from classes, Spring Break. We’d like to welcome everyone back from an ex tended Christmas break or January Term classes and remind you that May re ally isn’t that far away. We’d like to officially welcome Dr. and Mrs. Newbould to Wesleyan and congratulate you both on your inaugeration. We’re excited and happy to have you both become a part of the Weselayn tradition. Becuase Spring Break is approaching we’d like to extend an offer to anyone who has a funny, but ap propriate, spring break story, experience, sugges tion on travel, etc. that Editor’s Column they’d like to share. Sched ules for Decree publication and submission dates are available in Dr. Campbells door, Pearsall Room 182. Don’t forget to support both the men’s and women’s basketball team’s as they move into the post season and look to win the Dixie Conference Champi onship and a bid to the NCAA Tournament. The women’s tourna ment will be held here at Wesleyan begining Thurs day, Feb .21, times to be announced. Enjoy the issue! — Shannon St. George Editor-in-Chief Dr. STEVE FEREBEE Yesterday, Feb. 15,2005, High Commissar of Indoctrination and Proper Breast Coverage John Ashcroft spoke to a gathering of influential Republicans who were celebrating Patriot Bill — Part III. “Repression has helped the economy,” Ashcroft stated. After the Patriot Bill — Part II out lawed nudity in 2003, the sale of modesty body coverings for the shower created hundreds of jobs — “Good American jobs,” de clared Ashcroft. Asked why 80 percent of the coverings were made in Tajikistan, Ashcroft retorted, “That’s a terrorist’s question and therefore forbidden by Patriot Bill — Part II. You’ve broken the bond between the compliant press and the public. You’re under ar rest.” The miscreant was escorted from the room. His Holiness Orin Hatch calmed the crowd and reminded them that when “the terrorist or ganization the ACLU” criticized the mass arrest of college profes sors and intellectuals as mind- control terrorists, “more jobs were created to build the new prisons needed to hold these aetheistical thu2S.” Part III will, Holy Hatch as serted, outlaw all organizations not presently sanctified by the expanded tax-free grants for faith- based organizations. “No God, No Freedom, No More,” chanted the crowd, as they waved their na tional ID cards. After working 25 minutes as a board member for an undisclosed corporation and receiving a $ 100- million retirement package, Vice Cowboy Cheney addressed the meeting between appointments. Introducing him, his wife, Lynne Cheney, head of the International No Art National Endowment (INANE) said, “We are fighting liquidity.” The crowd laughed profusely. The Vice Cowboy praised Commissar Ashcroft’s successful Just Say No To Nudity campaign. “Yes, your freedoms have been curtailed,” said Cheney. “But that is a small price to pay for the security of knowing that you will never be surprised by a bare breast again. Everybody knows that nu dity leads to sex! So we got rid of it! Done. Let’s Roll!” Next up was newly appointed Commissar of Clean Art, Colin Powell. Last year’s investigation into the possession of books, mov ies, and music led to the arrest of thousands of terrorists, bent on. said Powell, “addicting your chil dren to pornography. So we will decide what you can see and read and listen to. If it’s not clean enough,” he thundered, “for DisneyBushland, then it’s not clean enough for a terrorist-Free America.” The hghts went red, white, and blue as High Cowboy George W Bush entered the hall. Hundreds of adoring Bushfans sang along as the band played the only song allowed to be played in public, “Not Over My Dead Body.” The High Cowboy reminded the crowd that since he abolished elections and centralized power into the office of High Cowboy “I can chop wood on the ranch in Texas and let the smart boys run the country.” His eyes twinkled as he added “and the pretty girls too.” The High Cowboy reported the latest victories in The War Against Terrorism. “We jailed two hundred thousand evil doers last week,” he bragged. “No other time in history has been such wonders,” he said. “If you’re a terrorismist, I don’t like him. If you don’t like him, you’re a terrorismist.” The High Cowboy left the hall as the crowd chanted, “Freedom is Death, Freedom is Death.” Letters to the editor policy The Decree w^elcomes letters from the entire Wesleyan community. We print only signed letters to the editor, although unsigned letters are kept on file and may form the basis for future news articles. Letters should not exceed 400 words. Letters may be subniitted in one of these ways: • placed in the post office with the word “Decree” on the envelope; • placed in the door box of the adviser’s office, Rm 182 PC; • sent in the body of an email message: TO: SEStGeorge@ncwc.edu CC: AJKirch @.nc wc.edu DKCampbell@ncwc.edu Subject: Decree [and short title] All letters must be received by Friday of the week prior to the next issue in order to be printed in that issue. The Decree Editorial Board and Publisher reserve the right to edit or reject letters for grammar, libel, and good taste.