PAGE 4— THE DECREE — FEBRUARY 22,2002
Editortai^
Campus ready
to enjoy spring
measures.-
A vision of the future?
Dawning of a different day
Well, it’s just about that
time again to prepare for
warmer weather and set
your sights on the next
break from classes, Spring
Break.
We’d like to welcome
everyone back from an ex
tended Christmas break or
January Term classes and
remind you that May re
ally isn’t that far away.
We’d like to officially
welcome Dr. and Mrs.
Newbould to Wesleyan and
congratulate you both on
your inaugeration. We’re
excited and happy to have
you both become a part of
the Weselayn tradition.
Becuase Spring Break is
approaching we’d like to
extend an offer to anyone
who has a funny, but ap
propriate, spring break
story, experience, sugges
tion on travel, etc. that
Editor’s
Column
they’d like to share. Sched
ules for Decree publication
and submission dates are
available in Dr. Campbells
door, Pearsall Room 182.
Don’t forget to support
both the men’s and
women’s basketball team’s
as they move into the post
season and look to win the
Dixie Conference Champi
onship and a bid to the
NCAA Tournament.
The women’s tourna
ment will be held here at
Wesleyan begining Thurs
day, Feb .21, times to be
announced.
Enjoy the issue!
— Shannon St. George
Editor-in-Chief
Dr. STEVE FEREBEE
Yesterday, Feb. 15,2005, High
Commissar of Indoctrination and
Proper Breast Coverage John
Ashcroft spoke to a gathering of
influential Republicans who were
celebrating Patriot Bill — Part
III.
“Repression has helped the
economy,” Ashcroft stated. After
the Patriot Bill — Part II out
lawed nudity in 2003, the sale of
modesty body coverings for the
shower created hundreds of jobs
— “Good American jobs,” de
clared Ashcroft.
Asked why 80 percent of the
coverings were made in
Tajikistan, Ashcroft retorted,
“That’s a terrorist’s question and
therefore forbidden by Patriot Bill
— Part II. You’ve broken the
bond between the compliant press
and the public. You’re under ar
rest.” The miscreant was escorted
from the room.
His Holiness Orin Hatch
calmed the crowd and reminded
them that when “the terrorist or
ganization the ACLU” criticized
the mass arrest of college profes
sors and intellectuals as mind-
control terrorists, “more jobs were
created to build the new prisons
needed to hold these aetheistical
thu2S.”
Part III will, Holy Hatch as
serted, outlaw all organizations
not presently sanctified by the
expanded tax-free grants for faith-
based organizations. “No God, No
Freedom, No More,” chanted the
crowd, as they waved their na
tional ID cards.
After working 25 minutes as a
board member for an undisclosed
corporation and receiving a $ 100-
million retirement package, Vice
Cowboy Cheney addressed the
meeting between appointments.
Introducing him, his wife, Lynne
Cheney, head of the International
No Art National Endowment
(INANE) said, “We are fighting
liquidity.” The crowd laughed
profusely.
The Vice Cowboy praised
Commissar Ashcroft’s successful
Just Say No To Nudity campaign.
“Yes, your freedoms have been
curtailed,” said Cheney. “But that
is a small price to pay for the
security of knowing that you will
never be surprised by a bare breast
again. Everybody knows that nu
dity leads to sex! So we got rid of
it! Done. Let’s Roll!”
Next up was newly appointed
Commissar of Clean Art, Colin
Powell. Last year’s investigation
into the possession of books, mov
ies, and music led to the arrest of
thousands of terrorists, bent on.
said Powell, “addicting your chil
dren to pornography. So we will
decide what you can see and read
and listen to. If it’s not clean
enough,” he thundered, “for
DisneyBushland, then it’s not
clean enough for a terrorist-Free
America.”
The hghts went red, white, and
blue as High Cowboy George W
Bush entered the hall. Hundreds
of adoring Bushfans sang along
as the band played the only song
allowed to be played in public,
“Not Over My Dead Body.” The
High Cowboy reminded the
crowd that since he abolished
elections and centralized power
into the office of High Cowboy
“I can chop wood on the ranch in
Texas and let the smart boys run
the country.” His eyes twinkled
as he added “and the pretty girls
too.”
The High Cowboy reported the
latest victories in The War
Against Terrorism. “We jailed
two hundred thousand evil doers
last week,” he bragged. “No other
time in history has been such
wonders,” he said. “If you’re a
terrorismist, I don’t like him. If
you don’t like him, you’re a
terrorismist.”
The High Cowboy left the hall
as the crowd chanted, “Freedom
is Death, Freedom is Death.”
Letters to the editor policy
The Decree w^elcomes letters from the entire Wesleyan
community. We print only signed letters to the editor,
although unsigned letters are kept on file and may form
the basis for future news articles.
Letters should not exceed 400 words.
Letters may be subniitted in one of these ways:
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PC;
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TO: SEStGeorge@ncwc.edu
CC: AJKirch @.nc wc.edu
DKCampbell@ncwc.edu
Subject: Decree [and short title]
All letters must be received by Friday of the week prior
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