FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 1949
MAROON AND GOLD
PAGE THREE
Big League Stars Drop Suit To Join Eton Club
Canoe Team Gets Dunked
In Haw Haw River Races
Chills and spills featured the
final tune-up of Elo’s entry in the
third annual Haw Haw River Re-
getta.
Tie courageous canoers, cox
swained by “I Have Returned”
Gero, were bucking a six-foot wave
when their 50-foot cocoanut shell
capsized.
On board the O. H. Never Sail
when she upset were Lief Erickson,
“Tippy” Canoe, “Ey'fe” Ayscue,
“Kno” Sparks, James Splash and “I
Will Balance It” Clayton, who was
brought along to add weight and
experience to the youthful crew.
The accident, it was learned, was
caused when Chief Steward’s Mate
Gero shifted his position in the
boat trying to get a megaphone out
of his pocket. The seven drips, all
un-injured but soaking wet, were
picked up by the Ancient Mariner,
Josef Tomenchek, doing shore pa
trol duty for the Scandanavian
Government.
Elo may be forced to withdraw
from the regatta, since the canoe,
when last seen, was well on its way
upstream, possibly in tiie direction
of the Harlem River where it is
assumed that it will enter the color
ful Sunshine Splash with its phan
tom Elo’ crew.
I'ma No Gonna Say
By LUIGI JONES
no get together, but I’ma make no
What I’ma was gonna tal you,
. , I I know why the tennis and golf
I’ma no gonna say, joosta because .
■ ® teams gonna make a bigga trip
it’sa no you beesinis-.... I’ma was
with the bisball team, but I’ma no
gonna tal you why we no hava good gonna say and I know why Chub-
baskabal teama tis years, but I'ma | by Clayton no want to makea tis
no gonna say.... 1 know why Jack trip... but I’ma no tal you.
Andrews no play baskabal tis years | I know why Vitooch Hopkins,
and why Lacy Gane no want to but Elon’s besta baskabal man from
I’ma no gonna say....
Hampton, is runaroun lika chicken
Do you know why they gonna Sota head deez days... and
builda gym for two years but no
do nuthin’ until tis weeks... ? I
know why, but I'm no gonna say.
I know why Jerry Dominick,
Elon’s best football center and big
gest La sagna, chicken cacciatore
and spaghetti chowhound, was sent
home and why he probably will
not be allowed to come back, but
atsa my beesinis.
I know why Coach Mallory
moans every time he forgetsa his
iner tube to sit on, but I’ma no
gonna say. Thatsa his beesinis.
I know why tlte grass no wanta
grow up in. the Ujdl park, but I’m
why bigga Bobby Harris no maka
goK team tis year... but I’ma no
gonna say.
I know why to mucha ball play
ers no can maka bigga marks ina
school work disa years... and I
know why Coach Mallory no can
give futbal team Tea formation....
I know why... but I’ma gotta keepa
shutup.
I know why Russell Lucas, besta
damina dandelions picker ona bis
ball team disa years, getta fire be
fore seasona start... but I’ma no
speek.... And dis'pasta weeks In
tramural Departamento builda
backastop on softaball lots.... I
no gonna tal you... and I’m no | know why deez peeple do so mucha
gonna say why Coach Hal Pope no work so fasta but I’m no can tal
have a handkerchief... or why
Coach Garland Wolfe isa no help
with the bisball team, for atsa my
beesinis....
I know why Hoyle Paperweight
you nothin’.. atsa no my beesinis...
I know why Phil Cothran, South’s
besta softaball players hang aroun
Elon one weeks-end ina sted of go
home to Lurham lika alia time...
Bruton gave up boxing for fun, but j and I know why establishament
I'ma keep shutup... and I’ma no j lik^ Sportsman, if put up inna
gonna say nuthin’ abouta Athletic place of new Booka Store, wooda
Departmento which one time looka keep ala younga boys and gals ona
so confuse an nexta time alia snafu campus... I know why.. but I’ma
I know why why deez people, no gonna say.
Elan Alumni Are Lousing Up
The Innocent World Of Sports
Lanier^ Owen,
And Gardella
Head South
By LUIGI JONES
Right smack in the middle of
baseball’s most devasting legal at
tack, the claimants up and dropped
their $3,000,000,000 suit today for
greener pastures.
Max Lanier, Fred Martin, Mickey
Owen and Danny Gardella, top
figures in baseballs biggest legal
showdown, were last seen headed
for Elons verdaiit campus, thanks
to Coach Mallory’s intimate ac
quaintance with the erstwhile
major league stars.
The bad boys of the big leagues,
who went south of the border
years ago in quest of some of the
Pasqual trillians and received a 5-
year suspension from organized
baseball for their nomadic esca
pade, are expected to give a ter
rific boost to Elon’s hopes of win
ning their first North State confer
ence baseball crown in years.
Lanier, the great left-handed
spokesman for the group, said, “To
h - -1 with professional baseball
and Sad-puss Chandler. Thanks to
my buddy Jim, Dr. Smith has as
sured me I can make as much
money while at Elon as I received
pitching for the Cardinals, and I’m
sure Dr. Smith will take care of the
other boys as well.”
“Martin, also a former Cardinal
twirler, will be used mainly in re
lief roles along with Art Fowler,”
Malory stated. Owen, probably one
of the best catchers the major
leagues they have seen come and
go in the pas^t decade, will immedi
ately take over the No. 1 backstop
assignment over veterans Billy
Matze and Hank DeSimone and
rookies Harry Frazier, Fred Paul
and Roily Ellis. With the addition
of Owen, the backstop brigade now
numbers six, a far too inconvenient
total which led Coach Mallory to
at least hint that two of the rookie
catchers would probably be farmed
out to Burlington High School for
the balance of the season.
However, placing Gardella has
proved Mallory’s biggest headache
The ex-Giant, a former outfielder-
firstbaseman, clown and more re
cently a bed pan operator in a New
York hospital by trade, may prove
to be Elon’s biggest drawing card
since Jo-Jo, the only white gorilla
in captivity, roamed its campus.
The Giants war-time colorful
clown, who hits an exceptionally
long ball, has been known to do
hand-stands on first while making
catches and careen off many an
outfield wall head-first to make an
ordinary play spectacular.
A PAID AD
Men!! Are you weak? Do you
look like a scare-crow? Does your
girl friend frown upon your frail
frame? Do you find it hard lifting
text books?
Lei me build your sagging shape
to bulging biceps and strengthen
your weak back to cope with the
stiffest ussignments.
All my work la guaranteed. I
promise to make mountains out of
molehills, muscles out of pretenses
and bodies beautiful out of the
frailest specimens within your six-
:year stay at Elon or bust a bar-
Jjell over your head trying.
Two of my latest and most suc-
cesful pupils are Muscles Costello
and Fillup Coughin. I
— Bin Claytor
North Dormitory
Cpnsultations.by
appointment only
By GORGEOUS STANISLAUS
Gertie Goosegrease, class of ’31,
is now coaching at Red River Gap.
She scored 46 points in a single
game while playing with the Elon
College varsity in 1928.
John Bolshooseky, triple-threat
back who performed for the
Christiar.s in the 1927-32 era,
scored 75 TD’s and netted 8,000,000
yards rushing during "his five-year
stay at Elon. He made Elon All-
County first team one year, and
All-Skunk Hollow second team.
Ray “Stinker” Sewer, who nevei
graduated but was very prominent
on campus during his nine-year
stay, won chess, tiddly-wink, pi
nocle, mdnoply, checker, and mum-
blety-peg medals while here. The
last word from '‘Stinker” was re
vealed that he is president of tht
Last National Bank in Hock It
N. C.
Jack “Dead-Eye” Hopeless, clas;
of ? ? ?, won much acclaim while
on the campus as a bombadier ii
the Water Bag Corpse. At present
The baSeball world may have
provided dear ol’ Elon with an A1
Schacht, who will keep the fans in
stitches and Doc Smiths pockets
jingling. Move over, Bobo.
Meredith Is Signed
With St. Louis Blues
Of No Grass League
Andy Meredith will report to the
St. Louis Blues of the Desert No
Grass League in June, according to
a statement released by the Elon
College Daily Bull-Session.
Meredith, an intensely feared
switch-hitter (side-arm and back
hand), who trained with the Elon
College nine and helped tutor its
outfielders earlier in the season, is
reported to have signed yesterday,
Terms of the contract were not
disclosed, but it is a safe guess that
Meredith received around $2 in
oonuses for signing a contract call-
DeMarco Shows Faultless Form
Elo’s DiMarco
Will Be Diver
In ’52 Olympic
“Gurgles” Demarco, Elon’s na
tionally famous high-board, deep-
sea diving ace, will represent the
Swimming Christians and the
United States In the 1952 World
Olympics which will be held on
Melville Land, north of Greenland,
it was disclosed recently by Col.
Bathless Stooplow, United States
Olympic Committee chairman.
“Gurgles,” America's greatest
high board, low board and no
board diver, and the only entry
listed in his specialty, is an early
favorite to cop the event.
“Gurgles” was the top money
winner while performing for dear
ol’ Fish Haven High School and
established the worlds prep school
diving record while soaring
through the air for Deep Sea
Diver’s Trade School back in 1940.
Asked of his chances to cop the
Olympi laurels as he emerged from
the tank after his latest venture
into the aqua, Elon’s pride and
joy optimistically replied, “Gurgle,
gurgle.”
Justice To Come To Elon
If Coach Jim Can Use Him
It can now be told that Charlie
“Chug Chug” Justice is fed up with
the hard life at Podunk U. located
in the flats of North Carolina.
He has written to Elon asking
and pleading to officials for en
trance into this great football
minded institution, but it has been
reported that Head Coach Mudbath
hasn’t decided yet whether or not
he can find an opening for the
former Podunk ace, but will make
his decision after the spring drills.
Justice, it is reported, couldn’t
stand the grind at P. U., and, hav
ing heard of the Elon Country
Club, decided to come here and
thinks he will like it here without
Saturday classes.
Too, he added that he thought it
would be wonderful to sleep every
day until noon as* he did in the
navy. He’s looking forward to com
ing here because of the rumors he
has heard regarding the good food,
excellent gym facilities and the
dances that are held every Satur
day night in West Dormitory Par
lor.
In order to make Chug Chug
feel at home, a party of beautiful
Elon Queens will meet him at the
station, along with the 76-piece
Elon band. The welcoming com
mittee includes Marie “The Body”
Kennedy, R. “Tiny” Roberts, “Bub-
Big Eddleman
Bejects Pro^s
To Join Elon
enjoy his last year of school. Herbies” Jones and Mabela O’Tootle.
Coach Poop Gets Ken Alessi,
Nation’s Number One Scorer
Football Coach
Books Hawaii
And Yokoshuka
The football schedule for the
forthcoming season, reportedly the
toughest in the school’s history,
was announced by Coach Mallory
early this week.
The schedule shows an addition
of two teams plus an early season
practice tilt with the combined
forces of Women’s College and
Greensboro College, who are re
ported to be loaded for bear.
The schedule is as follows:
Sept.
14 Gilbsonville ♦
21 Pigh Hoint College
(at St. Nick’s
Dwight “Dike” Eddleman, Illi
nois great athlete and target of of
fers from football, baseball and
basketball pro clubs, coudn’t de»
cide on his sports future until
Coach James Malady contacted the
much sought star by phone last
night.
The fast talking mentor of the
non-combatant Christians c o n-
vinced Eddleman that Elon was
his Utopia. So the 6-2, 190-pounder
immediately shunned all pro offers
and accompanying fat bonuses and
is expected here in time for the
West State conference opener with
Lower Slobovia on Nov. 32.
Eddleman, whose athletic
achievements 5re unending, de
cided m favor of another yc»ar of
amateur sports while pursuing an
education at this great institution
on the Haw Haw River. He plans to
major in religion, after which he
is expected to assume command of
his own synagogue in Illinois.
28 Noter Dance
Arena, N. Y.)
Oct.
5 U. of Hawaii (There)
12 Open
19 Yokoshuka Naval Base
(There)
26 Mud Hill Prep
32 Vassar and Bryn Mawr
(Homecoming) *
♦ Indicates double-header
Ken Alessi, the nations No. 1
basketball scorer will be at Elon
come fall, according to a bulletin
released by the Gibsonville Daily
Sentimental.
Alessi, a 5-7, 145-pound star for
ward at Porkville High (Martins
Ferry, Ohio) scored 870 points in
27 games this year for an average
of 36 points per game. Coach
Haverford Poop plans to give the
diminutive star, who tallied 70
points in one game this season,
three years of seasoning with the
freshman squad before unveiling
his new prospect.
The signing of Alessi to a long
term contract is another milestone
in the athletic achievements of
Athletic Director Jeep Parch. Top
flight schools professing intei-est
in the high shool star were, Cor
nell, Vassar, Ohio State, Bathmore,
Bym Mawr, Bathless and North
Carolina State.
he is working with the MudvilU ng for $12 a month plus room and
Fire Department. a case of dog meat and Wheaties..
DeSimone And Beard
Snub House Of David
And Extended Tour
Hank DeSimone recently re
ceived a letter from the House of
David with an invitation to join the
bearded beauties on their annually
extended tour across the country.
According to reports Herman
Rabinowitz, youthful House of
David catcher, was clipped on the
chin by an opposing pitchers scis
sor ball in a recent game and will
be out of action for at least six
weeks or until another plate duster
can be raised.
However, DeSimone, expressing
contentment with Elo’ and English
12, reluctantly turned down the
promising offer.
Ferneyhough In Win
At NCAA Swim Meet
Toddy “Fish” Femeyhough, rep
resenting Elon in the N. C. A. A.
swimming meet at Choppin Hill
last Saturday, won first place in
the breast stroke event.
The “Fish”, the only entree in
the event, was never headed during
the course of the race and has now
won 42 consecutive Inter-collegiate
meets while a student fish at Elon
Melvin And Fruh
Star In Practice
With Track Team
The Elon track team is rounding
into fine shape as they work out
daily on the newly constructed
track.’
Athletes who have already cinch
ed a position on the team: Arnold
“Fleetfoot” Melvin, Heinz “Flub”
Fruh, Cluadia Manzi, Marion
“Slim” Adams and Lou Costello.
Flub Fruh, the iron man on the
squad, is a favorite to cop his
specialty, the mile run, in the com
ing Penn Relay. Fruh is in fine
shape, and feels confident that he
will clip the 20-minute record for
the race.
Special event at the Relays will
be a weight lifting exhibition by
Muscles Claytor.
Joe Magarats, internationally fa
mous cue-ball champion from Alta
mahaw-Ossipee, recently refusec
the challenge of Elon’s Shue-Bal
McClenny for fear that he would be
outshone by Elon’s star.
The OAK Club
Newly Decorated
Dining - Dancing - Cocktails
featuring
NAUGHTY CHRISTI
Fan Dancer
DOC HAFF
Snake Charmer
JOSH COLLEY
and his psychopathic rhythms
Ground Floor
Shows 8-10-12-2