PAGE FOUR
MAROON AND GOLD
FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 1949
Southland’s Defeat Of Invaders Is Chronicled
Leave Elon For New York Time:
M & G EDITORS, JACKIE GASKINS AND BOB WRIGHT
Maroon And Gold Editors
To Run New York ‘Times’
Col. Parker Routs NortliUmd
In Battles Of Mud And Water
War Breaks Over A Northern Damsel
Alledged To Be Held By Southerners
IVI & G War Correspondent
On The Southern Front
Southland, Slobbovia—(TS)—Rank enmity which had lain smould-
dering for weeks flared into bitter fighting during the early hours
of Wednesday morning when the renowned Northern Panzer Di
vision, under command of Colonel Joseph Erickson, brazenly at
tacked the bastion of the Southern Sackborne troops of Colonel G.
T. Parker.
Northern officials claim as their |
motive for the attack the fantastic pleased with what he had just
, • ^ ii. 1- j I. 11 ^ V, 1 heard, dismissed them—after cau-
lie that the South had held tn bond- . ^4.1 a
tioning them not to lay down their
but to turn to, one and all,
At the close of the semester, the
editors of the “Maroon and Gold”
will transfer their editorial tal
ents to the New York “Times,” as
suming the leadership of that
paper, according to a confirmation
of an announcement received here
yesterday.
Although the “Times” is con
sidered the foremost newspaper
in the nation, the owners feel that
there is always room for improve
ment, and, in line with this
thought, they have secured the
services of Wright and Miss Gas
kins.
HUFFINES
GROCERY
PLAIN GROCERIES
FANCY GROCERIES
PRIEND, WE GOT ALL KINDS
OF GROCERIES
In a statement concerning the
policies they intend to bring to
the “Times,” the present M & G
editors revealed that a new editor
ial page feature of that paper will
be the Li’l Abner comic strip.
“We feel thax the ‘Times’ needs
a shot in the arm,” they stated.
Several of the M & G staff will
accompany the editors to New
York. Columinst A1 Godwin and
cartoonist Alvin Pate will make
the change with the editors. Hoyle
Bruton, faculty advisor to the Ma
roon and Gold,” vvill go along as
a copy boy.
FLOWERS
FROM
Trollinger's
BURLINGTON, N. C.
age a beautiful Northern damsel of
whom they were ever, one and all,
quite fond.
Northern Guerrillas
•t
Guerrilla forces from the North
had previously stolen into South
ern doors and tumbled garbage
containers downstairs with such a
clatter that South Citizens leapt
from their beds screaming, “Arma
geddon!”
The South reportedly retaliated
with a baiting expedition led by
the fearless Captain “Brick-wall”
Andrews. Corporal Paul gave ca
dence to the neat Southern troops
Shopping Can Be Fun
And Refreshing, Too
'•o
2-^m '^-■'V
S.i:
arms
and shine their buckets.
The Colonel was happy and re
laxed in his chamber with war cor
respondent Wiatson and coffee,
knowing that Corporal Paul, the
sentinel, would remain alert and
arouse the barracks in ample time
for every one to reach his battle
station should the enemy invade.
Gurgle—Gurgle
Midnight! !
The sentry began to sound off
with his report.
“Twelve o’clock and all—argh-
umph-ergl-gurgle! ”
Colonel Parker, a brilliant man,
fretting war correspondent. Fin
ally, uttering ai preference for
death by drowning to humiliation.
Colonel Parker burst forth to meet
the enemy hand to hand. Nor steel,
nor fire, nor water could retard
him in his dreadful onslaught.
Brick-wair Leads
Captain “BricTc-wall,” standing
well to the rear to make certain
that his men would not be de
prived of leadership through his
foolishly falling into the hands of
the enemy, shputed commands of
brilliance to his men. He stood ar
rayed in his unmentionables, with
his captain’s bars pinned to them
so that all would recognize him for
v/hat he was, and tossed invective
so becoming an officer of his rank
into the midst of the guests.
‘Charge!” he shouted, and “We
have just begun to fight” and
“. . .the whites of their eyes!” My,
but he was gallant.
Privates Fesmire, Bragg, Jerni-
gan, and buck-private DeMarco,
dressed in his famous “shorts,” ex
celled in the fighting; they lit-
terally waded into the midst of
the fracas. With the
forces. Colonel Erickson’s aim was
exact; he seldom missed. His bar
rage of muddy water was deadly.
Manzi Appears
Oak Club Fan Dance Star
Arrives In Country Today
New York, April 1—(ANS)—When the “Queen Elizabeth” docked
in N Y harbor this morning with her usual quota of interesting
people, the pasenger who attracted most attention from newsmen
and photographers was the glamo ur queen of the European con
tinent, Christina, the celebrated dancer.
Arriving in this country for an
extended tour of night clubs and
theatrical engagements, Christina
was the toast of the Follies Bergere
audiences in Paris, and was a stel
lar box office attraction at the
Windmill Theatre on Picadilly Cir
cus in l^ndon.
DESIMONE, WATSON
(Continued from Page One)
standing between him and dismis
sal from the college. His degree,
Devotee of Morpheus was earned
at Simmons Intsitute. His disserta
tion was written on the subject
‘ Resiliency of Bedsprings.^’
Changes Coming
Questioned by an M & G re
porter about his administration.
Dr. DeSimone stated that he and
Dr. Watson had progressive ideas
about education, and that there
would be a few changes made.
“We have a few ideas about class
Northern attendance he said. “Me and Dr.
Watson both feel that students
should receive modest salaries and
that professors should pay tuition.”
“And about these Sunday visi
tors,” he added. “We ain’t got a
The tide ran high; water ran like lot of money like some state insti-
while Capt. “Brick-wall” strode , „ ^ ,
courageously near the rear of the the sentry s ca 1 sounded
echelon emitting words of wisdom ^ strange. He leaped to the door
such as “Cannons to the left of and saw the sentry trying to re-
,, . ' move a bucket which has been
them; cannons to the right of them |
. . . ” Falling further to the rear,
he shouted bravely, “My only re
gret is that I have but one life.”
The attack was swift and ter
rible, with the entire North being
left in darkness, confusion and at
odds with another.
Colonel Parker congratulated
the Captain, decorated him with
numerous medals,
capped over his head so that noth
ing above his shoulders could be
seen. A hasty glance showed that
the corporal’s new helmet had pre
viously been filled with mud and
water.
The enemy were already taking
the barracks by storm.
In desperate straits, the Colonel
and embraced!alternately opened his door and
him as he was always wont to do.'PeePed out and clSsed and locked
himself in his room with your
Parker Prepares
Expecffilg a retaliation, Colonel
Parker sat at his field desk with the
orders of the day piled before him
and many more arrived from Pres
ident Manzi’s Publishing House
headquarters. He called for Cap
tain Andrews, who approached
smiling and saluting with every
step and bowing and scraping as
is the mark of the commissioned
officer who retains his good stand
ing.
“D’you call me, sir?”
“Captain Andrews,” said the
Colonel, embracing him again,
‘'Cancel all leaves, liberties, privi
leges and see that there is no re
laxation.” ,
Relaying tlie Colonel’s orders.
Captain Andrews was so pleased
with his men that he could not
bring himself to dismiss them. He
paraded before them and drank
in the beauty of men at attention.
“Men,” he said seriously, “who is
your leader?” ^
“Captain ‘Brick-wall’ Andrews,
sir,” they all shouted in unison.
Whereupon the Captain, much
Haff^ Reddish
Off To Africa
On Expedition
Dr. Haff and Prof. Reddish will
leave tomorrow morning accomp
anied by several science majors on
an expedition that will carry them
to India, Africa, and back to the
Carolina Biological Company.
These expeditioners are in search
of an almost extinct species of
pink dog fleas, the first of which
was found on the remains of “Josh”
Colley’s dog.
The business office reports that
all expenses of this expedition will
be defrayed by the college and
that the Elon College Band will be
at the station to give them a send-
off.
Among students who will ac
company Haff and Reddish are
“Gettum” Buggs, Scratchum Flees
and Ima Buggy.
tutions with endowments. Anybody
visiting this zoo has got to pay.”
Graduation Requirements
Dr . DeSimone revealed that
blood. President Manzi appeared
upon the scene to demand ces
sation of hostilities and received
for his answer a G. I. can full of
muddy water in his eye. Enraged, there would be a change in the
he charged—leading his forces into credits necessary for graduation,
battle. I His diploma will be awarded at the
Finally the invaders withdrew, end of four years if he presents to
into neutral territory. Then, find- the Dean’s office 500 comic book
ing himself without glory, your covers as evidence of his literacy
war correspondent possessed him-! and 503 stubs of tikets to the ath-
self of three of the Colonel’s eggs, letic events as evidence of his well-
and with surprising accuracy be- rounded development,
smirched the rendezvoused forces. Students submitting in addition
|Battle raged again: the invaders, 100 wrappers from any bars of
conscious of their shame, employed strong soap will be graduated
everything from the “debunk” to Magna Cum Clean.
Corporal Paul’s luggage. Again
Colonel Parker forced them with cedented difficulties in the South.
Christina’s act, one of the most
daring on the stage today, is a fan
dance with just one feather. Fan
dance fans have reported her per
formance to be a show-stopper.
Born in the Pigalle district of
Paris, the youngest daughter of
the Du Hardi family, Christina
used to dance for patrons of the
sidewalk cafes. When she turned
professional, she soon learned that
the briefest costume got the best
billing. At present, Christina tops
every bill on which she appears.
Local patrons of the dance will
have an opportunity to see Chris
tina in action at the newly decor
ated Oak Club where her act will
appear in the club’s- floor show.
Other acts on the bill include Doc
Haff, reknowned snake charmer.
As usual dancing will be to the
music of Josh Colley’s Psycho-
Syncopators.
sheer brute strength into a dis
orderly retreat.
All hands were decorated accord
ing to their deserts by your war
The men had had a taste of the red
muddy water from the roadside
ditches in front of their barracks
and wanted more. When the count
correspondent who had in his art pleaded for peace between the op-
kit all medals from the purple P°sing forces some of the uncouth
heart to the southern cross. | enlisted personnel yelled their ob-
Southern Forces celebrated vie-: jection with intermingled oaths
tory en masse.
Bernadotte Appears
Count Bernadotte Bowden ap
peared, as is his habit, to serve in
the capacity of mediator. His suc
cess was alarming with the North
ern forces, but he m^t with unpre-
and threats.
Captain “Brick-wall,” never at a
loss for the apropos, arose to the
occasion:
“Who harms one pore on yon
bald head dies like a dog, dismis
sed,” he said.
All’s quiet on the Southern front.
' *• -fteG: U.S. PAT;’OFf.' '
. «€6. U.S. PAt OFF. ; '
^ ...j'I'i■. ' :.vitrv.V
^sk Jor it either xeay ... both
trade-marks mean the same thing.
BOTTLED UNDER AUTHORITY Of THE COCA-COLA COMPANY BY
BURLINGTON COCA-COLA BOTTLING COMPANY
© 1949, The Coca-Cola Company
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