PAGE FOUR
MAROON AND GOLD
Wednesday, April 4, 1951
Elon Plans Flight To Moon
Space Ship
Will Carry
Local Group
Elon College has been issued
the first official land grant on
the moon, according to a bulletin
released by the Federal Land
Commission in Washington. The
grant was issued under the pro
visions of the Homestead Act of
1862.
On the Elon campus excitement
is running high in both scientific
and religious ciixles, as the two
departments put their heads to
gether to plan the forthcoming
lunar mission. Professor Alonzo
Hook, who has been secretly plan
ning a mission to the moon for
years, has been covertly con
structing a space-ship in the
Science Building, disguising it as
an old model aircraft. He states
that, after minor exterior im
provements, the ship will be
ready.
It is the plan of the college to
erect the First Lunar Congrega
tional Church in one of the crat
ers of the satellite, where his
tory’s first genuine lunarties will
attend services. Dr. W. W. Sloan,
whose new hermetically-sealed
home has been built as an exper
imental model for similar edi
fices on Luna, will lead the small
group of courageous ministerial
students, who plan to devote their
lives to the saving of lunar souls.
When Dr. Sloan was qestioned
about the strong possibility ot
there being no life on the moon,
he replied, “Then we will have
plenty of time to save each
other.”
Elon scientists, however, are
of the opinion that there is life
of a high order on the moon. For
ages, the mysterious rays emanat
ing from the crater Tycho have
baffled astronomers, but after a
good long look with a pair of
army surplus, three-power binoc
ulars, Professor Hook has con
cluded that the rays are caused
by the projector beam of a lunar
drive-in theatre. One of Dr.
Sloan’s first steps in bringing
Christianity to the moon will be
the establishment of a censoi-ship
committee to ban all pictures
made by the Selenites that may
prove detrimental to Christian
philosophy and Selenite morals.
Although the apparent lack of
atmosphere on the moon present
ed an obstacle, Prof. Hook and
ENGINE OF MIGHTY SPACE SHIP
HOOK TUNES
GAMBLING TRIAL ENDS
(Continued From Page One)
over a matter of such world-wide
interest and importance.
Dean Daniel J. Bowden, chief
of the Campus Bureau ot Investi
gation, played a leading role in
uncovering the great .gambl.Mg
syndicate, and he was the princi
pal witness for the prosecution.
He declared, “It all smells to high
heaven, and I sniffed a ‘fix’ the
minute I read in Maroon and Gold
that the West Dorm girls had won
the title, for Delta U has monop
olized the girls championships
since Senior Oak was a sapling.”
The investigation revealed that
gambling losses of students and
faculty members, most of whom
were betting on the outcome of
the girls’ intramural race, total
led more than $25,000,000. Un
confirmed rumors are that the
present sad state of the studen
body treasury may be due to loss
es suffered by student govern
ment officials, who were using
the treasury funds in playing tht
odds on Delta U.
Prof. A. L. Hook, after long years of secret planning and work,
appears likely to realize a lifelong ambition when he pilots the
'mighty space-ship, “Elon Victory’,’ on the projected trip to the
{moon. He is shown above, tuning the engine of the huge craft,
which may become the first of a fleet of such inter - planetary
ships.
Bogus Hadacol Found
(Continued From Page One)
Dr. Sloan decided, after a quick
conference, that 12 preachers,
preaching around the clock :n 8-
hour shifts, would create an at-
imosphere approximately 19 miles
deep, and would also raise the
frigid temperature of the m«n
to such a degree that good Chris
tians will find it comfortable.
SWIFT CLEANERS
Elon College
Minor Alterations—FREE
2-Hour Service — Upon Request
No Extra Charge
McGREGOR SPORTSWEAR
CURRIN & HAY
Men's and Students' Wear
Burlington
BOSTONIAN SHOES
COMPLETE OUTFITTERS FOR THE STUDENT
Burlington Born • Burlington Owned • Burlington Managed
dared that he really stumbled
upon the contents of Dr. Bran-
nock's pet still quite by accident.
The first day I was on the il
lustrious Elon campus,” he whis
pered, first glancing around the
nooks and crannies of West Dor
mitory to see what he could see
and to make sure that no one
was eavesdropping, “I saw the
still, but I figured it was being
used for legal classroom purposes.
I even took a couple of sample
swigs of the distilled liquid, and,
jfter tasting it, I decided it was
sulphuric acid.”
“Where did you get the clue
.hat led to final identification of
he liquid?” queried Professor
Byrd, who also glanced furtively
iround to make sure that he was
not being scooped by The Collon-
■lades, or some other rival paper.
“As a matter of fact, son, ’
Spado whispered conx^identially,
L didn’t know until this morning.
I woke up as fresh as a daisy
from a wonderful night of sleep;
I ate five eggs for breakfast,
whereas I usually eat only one
yelk; 1 had gained ten pounds;
I felt full of zip — strong as a
mule. Gad, son, I could have
licked Dink Underhill! Then, it
hit me!”
“The Hadacol?” asked Byrd.
“Yes—er—no, that is, the idea
hit me. Something had given me
added vitaliJty—put iron in my
veins. ‘What could it be?’ ” I
asked myself. “Suddenly, I knew!
Only one thing could have trans
formed mef rom a scrawny 97-
pound weakling into a ferocious
bull-of-the-woods overnight!”
“Hadacol?” asked Byrd.
“Hadacol!” answered Spado,
i And Hadacol it was. Gallon
upon gallon was found hidden in
' a laboratory closet, and six pint
I bottles were found in Brannock’s
briefcase, wh'^ch Spado charged
Brannock had been selling to ado
lescent freshmen, who wanted to
make the football squad. Spado
further charged that Brannock,
overseeing a drastic shortage of
joy-juice in the coming months,
was hoarding the mixture, plan-'
ning to dump it upon the black |
market at double the current
prices.
After three questions and 37
lashes with a rubber hose. Dr.
Brannock confessed to all charges.
He also confessed to several other
heinous crimes, with which he
had not been charged.
The beloved Elon prof first said
that he would plead temporary
insanity or would offer a plea of
nolo contendere and throw him
self on the mercy of the court,
but, when he learned that his
case would be docketed before
Judge G. A. H. Johnson, he de
clared that he might commit sui
cide.
LIQUOR REFERENDUIVI
(Continued From Page One)
“Never mind, Mr. West, I’m
sure you did!” interrupted Dr.
Bowden. “What about you. Dr.
Howell? You’ve never been seen
with your elbow above your shoul
der.”
“Heh, heh,” heh-heh’d Dr. How
ell, “As Shakespeare said in ‘Two
Gentlemen From Colona,’ Act II,
Scene iii, line 27, The hand is
quicker than the eye.’ Seriously
though, I think a little aqua-vitae
might get some of the lead out
and put some zing into some of
my students.”
And so the testmonials went.
A secret ballot, taken at the close
of the open forum discussion,
gave the Pro-Liqs 16 votes and
the Op-Liqs 2, and there was one
write-in ballot for Hazel Walker.
PEEPING AT PLAYINGS
(Continued From Page Three)
and pretzels topping the list of
refreshments.
♦ * *
Another sidelight to the recent
“fixes;” At a meeting of the
Board of Trustees the following,
rules were passed in regard to
sligibil^y of all . participants.
■'This is to assure our opponents
that we now select athletes of
the higher caliber for further
contests,” a spokesman said.
1. Candidates must have com
pleted at least 95 semester hours
of work, with no grade lower than
A-.
2. Candidate must be a mem
ber of any Greek letter group,
and must not have attended any
rush parties.
4. Candidate must have outside
income of at least $10,000 a year
to insure resistance to bribes.
5. Candidate must have been
a member of the Honor Council
for at least two years.
Try-outs for Booing Leaders
will be held at the cess-pool be
hind Vets Apartments in the very
near future. “There has been
just too much organized cheering
at the ball games,” a member of
the coaching staff said. “We want
some good old cat-calls and Bronx
cheers mixed in with plenty of
booing and handkerchief waving
at all future events.”
I agree with the above whole
heartedly . . . there hasn’t been
a referee lynching or a riot since
I entered school.
I talked to Spec Harper at the
Book Store and he said that we
could have all the empty pop
bottles we desired. The Home
Ec department has already be
gun making king-sized handker
chiefs to wave behind the catcher
at baseball games, and for waving
good-bye to people who foul out
in basketball games.
OMITTED BY ERROR ^
FLYING SAUCERS
(Continued From Page Two)
only one place that had musi';
of the same out-of-this-worl 1
quality that the people on Saturr,
enjoyed, so this hardy band of in
jvaders came to Earth for the soL
; purpose of studying music at th;
I one spot, which accounts foi’
their landing in the neighborhoocl
of Elon College. Nowhere else
on Earth, according to their
statement, was heard music quite
so weird and unearthly. These
people without heads are expect
ed to fit quite well into the musie
department. In fact, it is doubt
ed that the absence of a head
wiU be noted so long as they re
main in that department.
These visitors from Saturn will
]also fit quite well as journalism
students, politicians and both
Pictured above is MisS Rosalie, writers and readers of historical
Brumlond, whose shrdlu was un- ■ fiction. They may also cause a
fortunately left off the Deens'^Qom in the sale of movie fan
ROSALIND BOMLEY
List in the last issue of the
magazmes.
Marron and Gold Miss Rumley, FINGERTIP VISION
who captured scholastic honors
with an average of “B” on all Another oddity is the fact that
shrdlus, is a mattive of West Vir- these people also have slightly
vina, and is reported to be the
only West Shrdlu student in the
history of any accredited college
east of the Mississippppi to make
the honor rolstp’* ’ ) * ! ! shrd.
Also outstanding in the dra
matic arts. Mss Broomsty is the
winner of last year*s slirdlu for
her magnificent betrayal of the
part of King Creon in “Anti-
gune.”
The Maroon and Guld, a bi
weekly pewspaper publislied in
the interests of truth, and proud
of its reputation of never allow
ing an error to slip into its
columnstp9$[lsj?,$$ hereby apolo
gizes to Miss Bromide for the re
grettable overzight in not publish
ing her mane along with the
others. Rest assred Miss Bumleg,
it will not happen again.
re-allocated organs of sight. It
seems that their eyes are located
on the tips of their forefingers,
which has been a direct result
of the progress of Science. People
of Saturn no longer walk any
where, and the increase of mot
orized transportation has caused
them to move these organs to the
finger tips in order to facilitate
traffic movement.
They point out that driving can
be a real pleasure when a person
is able to give a hand-signal and
at the same time observe traffic
all about him. The arrangement
is also a decided convenience in
viewing television programs, since
a person can lie flat on liis back
and, by merely holding up one
finger, get a full view of the TV
screen.
Coach Jim Mallory has an
nounced the procurement of the
services of Dr. Haff in holding
skull practice for his baseball
team this spring.
“I just don't have the skulls,”
moans Slim Jim. ‘Dr. Haff has a
wonderful collection he uses in
his Anthropology course. All of
our skulls are banged up . . .
especially the third year men.”
Don’t forget the game with
High Point April 5th. We are try
ing to better the last attendance
mark of a sparse crowd of 6,523
persons. Let’s ride the umpire
(No, horse-lovers, not literally)
and have lots of booing.
Remember, whether we win,
lose, or “fix,” let’s be devils!
College Jewelry
Souvenirs
Refreshments
Dancing
College Bookstore
"Get The BOOKSTORE Habit"
CREDIT
Work Done In
Our Own Shop
CREDIT
Burlington Optical Co.
112 Vi W. Front St.
Eyes Examined - Glasses Fitted
Broken Lens Duplicated
ONE-DAY SERVICE
Opposite Town Theatre
A welcome Awaits You At
ACME DRUG, Inc.
AND
MAIN ST. DRUG,Inc.
BURLINGTON, N. C.
EAT AT THE
ELON GRILL
STEAKS - HAMBURGERS
SANDWICHES
i
Student Co-op
Vniversity of Calif
Los Angeles, Caiifo
In Los Angeles, California, a favor
ite gathering spot of students at the
University of California at Los
Angeles is the Student Co-op be
cause it is a cheerful place—full of
friendly university atmosphere.
And when the gang gathers around,
ice-cold Coca-Cola gets the call. For
here, as in college haunts every
where—Coke belongs.
for it either way . . . both
trade-marks mean the same thing.
BOHLED UNDER AUTHORITY OF THE COCA-COIA COMPANY BY
BURLINGTON COCA-COLA BOTTLING COMPANY
1951, The Coco*Cola Company