Wednesday, April 2. 1962
MORONS AND GHOULS
PAGE THREE
^lon Wins American Dairy Maid Championship
-Cv^OE CAPSOUSED
V TH ELON TEAM
krhe Elon canoe team cap-
sonsed in Haw River yesterday
^ile preparing for the annual
North State Conference regat
ta, hut the personal casualties
-Wfre light. In fact, confidential
authorities reveal that the entire
crew was already soused any
way, and only two of the outfit
were wearing caps at the time.
' ^oach “Skinny” Matliis was
atlthe tiller ropes hinuelf, serv
ing as coxswain for the prac
tice workout, and it is thought
that this may have caused the
mishap, due to the fact that
Coach 'ilathis was unable to
counter-balance the tremendous
weight in the other end of the
boat, where husky .loe Brank-
ley was wielding the stern pad
dle.
jBrankley proved to be the
hero of the entire affair, since
it|ras he who waded out to the
river bank bearing Coach Math
is, Sal Gero and John Orsini
to^afety on his back.
Bromstead Breaks Reoorcl And Is Awardecl Handsome Trophy...
Cow-Juicing
Contest Seen
By Thoumnds
TKL.’ilAN IS JUDGE
There was intense excitement )s Miss Rosemary Bromstead.
Elon’s entry in the national DairyMaid Tournament, ventured into
the open pasture to clinch the 1952 title in the milking contest.
Without benefit of stanchion, stall or other artificial aids, the str
ong-armed Elon miss extractedfive gallons of lacteal fluid in ex
actly five minutes flat, breaking the old record by exactly five
seconds. While fifty-thousand spectators marveled at her braver
y, Bromstead declared, “No cowcan cow me, for I’m just a countr
y girl at heart."
Filial Elimimition
Held hi Pasture
At Scott's Farm
TROPHY TO INNER
Elon's iiuge Alumni Memorial Gymnasium was filled to overflow
ing for tlie first time, and thousands of disappointed fans fumed out
side as Dr. James Howell, author of the new book on “Interpreting
the Iambic Pentameter,” presented the handsome tropliy to Misi
Rosemary Bromstead, emblematic of the NatJonal Dairy Maid
Championship of 1952. Looking on in high glee are Ed Engles,
who sponsored the dairy maid competition, and Bob Wright, former
Elon student body president, who walked down from Boston to be
present for the ceremonies.
REFUSE BOWL BID
FOR EI.ON SQUAD
After much goading and prod
ding by sportswriters all over the
country. Coach “Fat Boy” Mal
lory loosened his Egypti.in sling
shot and said between bites of
Danish pastry. “Yep. my Play
ing Devils got a bid to the Com
mode Bowl, but we had to re
fuse the bid because tliere were
not enough seats to take care of
the fans we usually draw at our
games.”
“My team isn’t out to make
a big splash in tiie sports world
anyway,” Mallory added “We
have already started work for
our next year’s meeting with
Guilford. O'i.'tr boys were so
‘up’ after that last Guilford
came that we would probably
have wiped up the turf in the
bowl with that team from Septic
University.”
Mallory admitted that he had
had his boys working out in the
cess pool, but he called off the
post-season plans because of the
publicity on “de - emphasis of
sports and emphasis of studies”
at Elon.
Kneeling At The
Knothole
by
Knucklehead Speevey
Champion Finds ^PulFIs Distinct Advantage
(Sports Editor’s Note: This is onto the field and grabbed the
a guest column for this special ball from the kicking “A” (It took
issue. Grantland Rice was con- quite a few years to get around
tacted to do the column, but after to using the kicking “T” but
he [had given the matter some "Trick Knee's ” trick knee had
thought, he refused. In explana- stopped playing tricks on him at
tionj he said that he couldn’t un- the knee, and “Trick Knee” tack-
dertake such a tremendous task led the papoose on the 40-yard i from the Chapel Hill Farm Life
Dear old Elo’ claimed the
first national title in all of its
glo-o-o-rious athaletic history
last weekend when Rosemary
Bromstead, captain of the
Flighty Christians’ milkmaid
squad, clinched tiie National
Dairy Maid Championsliip of
1952 after a daring exhibition in
the finals of the annual tourna
ment, which was staged on Gov
ernor Kerr Scott’s family farm.
Miss Bromstead, born and
reared in the underground
mountains of Upper Lower Slob-
bovia. used the “Squeeze Play”
to advantage as she won by five
gallons and five minutes
over her nearest competitor
as it might lower the standards of line.
thefKl.&G.) I The papoose on the loose fum
bled, and "Trick Knee’ picked up
!the eel-skin and headed goalward.
Writing the column instead will'ug gQ|- (jown to his ovvff 10-yard
be Fallenarchie Swansong. Friends ; alas and lo! “Trick
call [him “Trick Knee” for siiort. | Knee’s” trick knee had a trick,
He teot this name in the famous knee played a trick once
Stii&weed Bowl of 1776, played ^^^6. “Trick Knee ” started faU-
at Mustard - on - the - Lapel. It, j^g the ball squirted from
seeih.- that “Trick Knee ’ was
supfcsed to handle the kick-off
cho|es as his team, the Daisies,
met'the Pansies, before a howling
crowd of 66 1-4, Indians anil Pur
itans.
The Indians stopped their chat-
School.
The preliminary competition
was held in the pasteurization
foyer of the Melville Dairy
Company’s huge building, but in
tense interest and huge crowds..
in attendance forced the remov
al of the finals to the Scott
Farn-|, where fifty adult fe
males of the bovine species had
been brougiit in from the wild
and woolly West '
Fifty thousand spectators
cowered behind protective walls
of stone as Miss Bromstead, re
fusing to be cowed by the dan
ger, walked into the midst of
lowing herd as it wound slowly
o’er the lea.
As she passed the judges’
stand. Chief Judge II. Smitli
Truman leaned over the rail and
inquired. “Where are you going
my pretty maid,” and then came'
the answer, “I’m going a-milk-
ing, sir,” she said.
The judges ruled that the con
test would involve accuracy as
well as speed, declaring that the
contestants must use a jug iu-
tering over scalp-comparing, anc"
the [Puritans stoped preaching to
a young couple smooching in a
comer of the stadium as "Trick
add:
Pie Champion
Argues Over
Shape Of Pie
Knee" came forward to address | attributes his long life to Had-
the,eel-skin (pigskins were scarce
his arms. He twisted around and
reached for it, but his trick knee
swung around and kicked the
ball. It was 90-yards for a field
goal, and the Pansies won. The
referee called the game on ac
count of snow,
“Trick Knee” is sitting herei, , . _ n, „ i
„ board m Room Six on the second
chuckling now as her recalls the | „ , I
days oC his youth. At the age of
173, he is still spry and hearty,
BRAWNY!!
“Pi R square . .
Prof. Jason L.
above expression
Sox wrote the
on the black-
in those days.)
“Trick Knee” swong an in-
grown toe-nail at tiie oval.and
alas and lol “Trick Knee’s” irick
knee had a trick, and the knee
played a trick. It came out of
joint. “Trick Knee ’ missed the
ball, but both teams rushed down
the [field looking for the prolate
spheroid of eel-skin.
In the meantime, “Trick Knee”
was hiting the referee for all he
was worth. When his trick knee
had come out of joint during the
kick-off, il had flown around and
kicked him in the seat of the
pants. "Trick Knee" thouglit
the irefree had done the dirty
triek, and never suspected tliat
his trick knee had tricked him
and kicked him in the end with
his I own knee.
^mediately the Indians set up
a howl. It seems the referee was
a |bIood brother of the Athlete-
Feet tribe. Chief Cry-in-Towel,
of the Pansies, rushed to
the field in an effort to part
"^ick Knee” and the referee. The
latter was about to lose his stand-
ihg as blood brother, because most
of [it was running on the ground.
TIk U, S. Marines, a little-known
oi^it in those days, rushed to
the rescue, and medics began ad-
nistering plasma,
little papoose on the loose,
ned Wet-in-Pants, had scuiried
Graduated from the Unicollege
of Happy Days, “Trick Knee” won
many honors and degrees. He
has his B. A., B. 0„ and an hon
orary degree from the School of
Yellow Journalism. His columns
are seen on every scandal sheet
in the country, along with the
President’s report on the State
of the Nation.
In just a minute, Fallenarchie’s
guest column will appear, but I
just got a scoop! Clyde Love-
leitte, AIl-AmerJcan basketball
player from Kansas, and Billj
Spivey, likewise of Kentucky,
have arroven in Elon for the
spring quarter! The fact was re
vealed when birth certificates
floor of Alamance, using mathe-:
matical symbols rather than form
al type as above, but before he
could complete the formula, he
was rudely interrupted by Tim
Holt, who leaped to his feet and
declared in ringing tones:
“Pie are roundl’J
The entire class turned square
ly around to face the back of the
room. All interest in the mathe
matical expression on the black
board vanished, for members of
the class knew that P. Timothy;
Holt (P. for Pie) spoke with au
thority when he spoke of pie.
They knew that any man who
aad so recently won the Lower
Slobbovian pie-eating champion
ship should certainly know wheth-'
er a pie is round or square, for
Underground Press dispatches i
were filled for days with the gus-,
tatory brilliance of P. Timothy,
who single-handedly gobbled 121
pies (all round) in forty-two sec-
were taken up in Dr. Sloans ^^^®®jonds.
(a requirement since somebody | gjg pigs, little pies, fruit pies,
turned in a false card in one of | chess pies and chocolate pies . . .
all looked alike to P. Timothy as
he ate, but of one .thing he is
sure. That is that each and every none other than that of r>. Tlm-
pie he ate was round. (p jg pig_
his classes.)
WeU, it seems that I have used
all the space for this issue, and
Fallenarchie has- fallen asleep
over his scrapbook. Looks like
we’ll have to wait until next year
for him to do the guest column.
Basketball Coach Doc Mathis is
in tears over the discovery, since
^ A \
stead of a bucket, so Miss Brom
stead dashed forth dragging a
fiv'e-gallon demi-johii of autumn
al brown.
Exactly five minutes, later, the
demi-john was overflowing, and
Miss Bromstead turned and shot
a squirt of lacteal juice squarely
into the open mouth of “Baby
Face” Nelson, who was watch
ing from the judges’ stand. With
that she retired from the scene,
staggering with the weight of
the overflowing container.
The Elon Choir burst into the
martial strains of “Little Brown
Jug” as she strode from the
scene to be crowned as Queeh
of the Milkmaids. Excitement
was so intense at the moment
that no one could find the cham
pionship titpphy, and the prcs'en-
tation of the brimming cup of
milk was held later in Elon’s
Alumni Memorial Gymnasium.
i Miid-Sliii »ers
Start Work
For Campaign
“Here's mud Iti your eye!”
Such is the slogan for the Elon
mud-slinging team, which will
I groan itself for the forthcoming
I intercollegiate season by participa-
I tion in the annual campus elec-
j tions here on the Elon campus.
I Coach “Fat Boy” Mallory is di-
I recting the mud-slingers this sea-
^ son, having cancelled his varsity
baseball season wnen his diamond
stars expressed a preference for
! chunking mud balls instead of
those hard old baseballs that may
have been made from the wrong
end of the horse.
Coach Mallory has his mud
slingers working out on the new
tennis courts, which have been
too muddy for tennis all the
spring anyway. Of course the
baseball field has been pretty
muddy at times, but the “Fat
Boy” decided that the fine te.xture
of red clay on the tennis courts
would score more noticeable hits
W ater-Bagging Is ISeiv
Varsity Sport At Elon
For 1952-53 Campaign
In answer to thousands of re- ily to pay for any and all dam-
quests that have flooded the'ages that may result.
sports office of MORONS AND
GHOULS, it is a pleasure to an
nounce that decision has finally
been made, and dear old Elo'
will become a real sports pioneer
in introducing a new sport to the
intercollegiate athletic world.
Waterbagging, oneo f the most
thrilling of all athletic sports,
will assume full-fledged varsity
status on the Elon campus dur
ing the coming college year of
1952-53.
An order for 6,000,000,000 new
bags (other than the ones already
registered and on hand) has been
placed with a leading manufactur
er, and the Soggy Sack Slingers
will soon be able to get in some
good practice licks in North
Dorm,
Everything appears hunky-dory
for the new sport, but there is one
difficulty at this writing — no
practice dummies! The aspirants
for the team wish to practice on
moving targets, and conferences
have been underway with Gener
al Jet Pierce, of Pierce's Palace,
in an effort to persuade him to
let the team use faculty members
as dummy targets when they stroll
through the colonnades enroute to
their offices in the Library Build
ing,
If this permission is granted,
making it open season for faculty
members, then soggy sacks will
soon be raining down from the
cornices of Whitley Auditorium,
Alamance Hall and the Carlton
Library to plaster classic crowns,
Practice hours will be kept a deep
dark secret, for the team is not
yet proficient enough to use fly
ing targets. Longing glances have
The brawny form pictured above
world next fall. The boys had
enrolled under assumed names.
Whether we win or lose, Boo the ^
opposing team. That Messick
Sportsmanship Trophy is too much! healthy expression to
he wanted to surprise the sportsjtrouble to clean. 'use of Hadacol.
— ture being one taken just after he
had clinched the pie-eating cham
pionship of Lower Slnbbovia by
getting out-side of twelve pies in
a matter of seconds. He attrib-
and
con.stant
on the umpire's suits.
Full-scale scrimmage will get,*^®®’' observed within recent days
started when the boys master the | aimed at the heads of Dean
irt of making mud balls, so round,Bowden and Prof. J.
Foster West.
There has been some opposi
tion to the introduction of the
new sport, particularly from the
ranks -of Alcoholics Anonymous,
members of which have comment-
,'o firm, so fully packed. Assist
ant coaches will be drawn from
the kids down in Vet’s Apartments
who will first demonstrate the
mud-pie technique in making mud
balis. Those experienced in
making meat balls at the Grill are that “It's all wet. However
urged to sign up for the team.
The Choir will furnish music,
singing “Mudder of Mine,”
Swift Cleaners has set up a port
able clothes-dryer, and Business
Manager Butler has agreed heart
“Any veteran now in .school who
had bombardier experience during
the recent world conflagration are
urged to become candidates for
the Soggy Sack Slingers,” declared
Coach S, L. (Sack Lunch”) Hor-
rell, who has been demonstrating
techniques of the new sport by
iieaving sack lunches off the roof
of the chow hall porch. Or maybe
he ate one himself and just heav
ed!
Seeking to arouse interest in the
new sport, a practice scrimmage
was’ staged last week in the Old
Gym in North Dorm, featuring a
sloppy contest between two hot
campus rivals, the Slippery Stam
mers and the Droopy Droopers.
The Slippery Slammers won the
-OSS and elected to receive, so
Captain Sharp-eyes Ludwig led
his Droopy Droopers to the third
floor gallery of Old North and
took the offensive.
Soon the bags were banging
down, and the Slippery Slammers
were slipping and sliding all over
the floor in an effort ot dodge the
barrage. However, the Droopy
Droopers scored two direct hits on
Captain Scoopy Scott of the Slip
pery Slammers, and the colors
of the Droopy Droopers drooped
no longer. However, the Slippery
Slammers proved that they were
not all wet when they came from
behind to win on a foul.
That foul smelled of foul play,
for Referee Currin was presiding
from a war-surplus rubber raft,
and someone slipped up and
stuck an ice-pick into the raft in
the midst of the excitement. The
raft collapsed, and as Currin sank
from sight, he yelled “Foul!” No
one knows for sure whether he
was referring to the game itself
or to the wielder of the ice-pick,
for his body has not been recov
ered.
At any rate, the legislature,
before going into deep mourning(
v-oted a forfeit to the Slippery
Slammers as the game ended in a
riot, with both faculty and stu
dents throwing bags filled with
acid from the chemistry depar*
ment.