morons and ghouls
Wednesday, March 18,
19321
»>AGE FOUR
Bald-Headed Row Singing
Loud In Praise And Joy
‘DihydroX^
I’aeans of piaisc arc rljing from
the occupants of the bald-headed
row. and the Amaltjainatcd A^jso-
ciation of Master Barbers of Ala
mance has been celebrating in
riotous fashion an cpochal di^cov
cry Just announciil by t^"ni)r.‘
Francibco Ue Tinglcy and Juan Dt-
Iji i’latta. eminent Klon scien
tilts.
Kiotous ts hardly the word tt
dciciibe the jubilation that hai
ruled the ranlcs of the barbei
The word "expiobtve” might be o
better description of their celebra-
Uon, which reached a climax early
last Saturday morning with the
flrmg of a full salute of twenty-
one guns iB front of Oak Lodge
as a tribute to the genius of Ue
Tingley and De La Platta. both ol
whom have their place of abodt
In that luxurious apartment hotel.
The celebration by the barberb
and the rousing bongs from the
bald-headed contmgent were oc-
rasioned by the announcement
that Ue Tinglty and De La I'latta
have started production in com
mercial quantities of "Fuzzy-Wuzzy
Hair Restorer," which they guar
antee will grow hair on the horns
of a billy goat.
The two scientists, working in
■ecret in the dish-washing labora
tories of the Elon Grill, knew they
had hit the Jack-pot when they ob
served a luxuriant growth of hair
sprouting from the surface of a
rue ball which had been dropped
by accident In their mixing vat.
Neither of the scientists will
reveal the full content of their
formula, but It is known that they
used Klckapoo Joy juice as a base,
mixed with two parts of dish
modern miracle
in
the
the
months
pan-hellenic council special meet
m
HON. J. FUZZY SLICKDOME
The Honorable J. Fuzzy Slick-
dome. leading literary light, has
forsaken his literary pursuits since
using Fuzzy-Wuzzy Hair Restorer.
Hitherto ineligible for such an
opportunity. J. Fuzzy was offered
a $100,000 baseball contract with
the House of David within three
minutes after he applied the first
dro.p of Fuzzy-Wuzzy Hair.
gered at this aspersion upon the
wonders of their new discovery,
then defended their product mag-
Inlficently by administering the
same dosage to each other. The
1 results were not fatal, but iiie-
|men had quite a time getting the
! two lively fellows out of the tieeis
in front of the girls' dorm.
I Many housewives bougiit “Di-
|-hydroX” and used it to wash
dibhes, clothcs, woodwork and li-
Inoleum. but few of tiiem would
juse it in_Jh„ir baths, for they
'feared thar‘'liihydioX'' might pos
sess some hormonal powers anti
might induce a leappearance
some other household of
double trougle that struck
Cheek household some
ago.
Despite its amazing propeities.
"DihydroX" iias been sold at an
eixtAptionaUy cl (sap rate. The
two chemists were able to manu- , j „
ifacture ihe product and botUe it| million-dollar dining hall, were laid a a
iin old Coca-Cola jugs for a mere j
■25 cents per gallon, and they made' picture, reading from top to bottom, were
a special trial price of only $101 lauto Tota Poni, Darndi Phi Kno, and Belcha Urpsilon.
for the handy 5fO-gallon drum
..... ,0,......... o,
c. Fr.., L.„. 'L.rp"
Announcement that Fuzy-Wuzzy
Hair Restorer was on the market
was made over the public address
system at Alumni Memorial Gym
nasium at noon last Friday, and
the echoing tones of the loud
speaker had scarcely died away
water from the Grill (none other I before bald heads were bobbing
will do), with a third Ingredient In double lines from Elon to Os-
that Is thought to be powdered j si pee. The James Scott Informa-
TNT. (tional Service revealed at 4 o’clock
Evidence that TNT may be the' Friday that there were exactly
aecret ingredient lies in the ex-| 1.111,111 persons in line at that
plosive and sudden action of the time trying to make a purchase,
preparation, which Is guarairteed ] First person to get into the Grill
to produce a thick covering of j for a bottle was the Honorable J.
hair on any type of surface within Fuzzy Slickdome, well known lit-
an Infinitesimal period of time, 'erary light.
Bugs! Cats!
Lovely Pets
One of the finest collection,
cats and bugs in all the world n
be found in Room Number One]
Oak Lodge, where Billy Rakes i
Hueky Hall keep their collect
of pet bugs and cats.
Rakes, who keeps one of Us
bugs in every pocket, is especiat
fond of a pet spider, whieli t
captured alive in the jungles i
Lower Patagonia while on an j
ploring expedition there dn
the Christmas holidays in ig
This spider has one peculiar t
which Rakes encourages in evd
way possible, that habit being i
of sleeping on the tip of Rakj
nose each night.
Hall’s cats are of all sizes, colj
and types, and the Fieldale rij
hopes by constant associations
his feline pets to learn the setn
cf a cat’s nine lives. Better r
express too much curiosity abj
Halls hobby, for “curiosity
a cat,” and Hall would not 1
that.
Brannock and Check admitted!
that “DihydroX" is composed of
substances, which are very ex
plosive wlien used alone, but they
declared tiiat the compound is
strictly non - inflammable. This
non - inflammable property was
called to the attention of the Bur
lington Fire Department, which
then considered using “DihydroX'
for extinguishing fires.
It was this attempt to dispose
of their discovery in such whole-
Scandal Roeks Student Government
(Continued From Page One)
car, admited late today that the
now-evident shady actions of stu
dent officials undoubtedly came
from the form of the student gov
ernment itself, charging tiiat the
student government now has so
many bureaus and departments
that it is impossible for the dem-
saie quantities that proved the ocratic system of checks and bal-
The Best In Entertainment
GAY THEATRE
Gibsonville, N. C.
'The Friendly Theatre"
undoing of the "get-rich-quick”
schemers. The Burlington author
ities* before signing a contract,
obtained a simple of “DihydroX”
and sent it to a state laboratory
for analysis. This analysis ex
posed the scheme in its entirety.
The laboratory report was as
follows: “This compound is iden
tical with a substance which Man
lias known from the beginning of
his existence. We have no doubt
that the trade name of ‘DihydroX’
is simply a shortened form of
DTHYDROGENOXIDE, which has
been more commonly referred to
as H20 and still more commonly
known as “WATER.”
When confronted With the re
port from the state laboratory,
both Brannock and Cheek fainted.
ances to function properly.
The ‘Veep” himself, regardless
of his statement to the press, has
fallen under the suspicion of the
Elon Bureau of Investigation and
has been subpoenaed by Senator
Phil Mann, chairman of the Sen
ate Investigating Committee.
Winter Walchell, in uncovering
the illicit activities on the camp
us. worked in close cooperation
with George Etheridge, chief jus
tice of the Honor Council, and the
two together brought to light acts
and facts that have rocked the
very foundation of campus ethics.
Already tired by a three-weeks
filibuster on the part of Senator
E. Filibuster Cashion X’V, who
himself collapsed from the strain
earlier this afternoon, the Student
son and Scoop Scott, distinguished
members of the local bar associa
tion.
It has been learned that Wal
chell. with the aid of an unknown
lady accomplice, whose identity
has been kept secret for fear of
the Cu Clux Clan, actually uncov
ered much of the scandalous plot
ting through the use of dicta
phones hidden in a Preachers’
Row room, adjoining the suite oi
Senator Rip Efiiiss. Patiently
waiting and listening over the se
cret dictaphones revealed that
Senator Euliss, sometimes nick
named “Brain” Euliss. was the
real political “boss” of the local
mobsters. Walchell has turned
over his wire recordings to Chief
Justice Etheridge and Senator
Mann, who filed a warrant for ar
rest of the “boss.”
Eulis, tipped off by Max 'Ves
tal. long suspected as a member
of the marijuana ring, tried to
escape the Honor Council warrant
in an automobile chase along
EAT AT THE
ELON GRILL
STEAKS - HAMBURGERS
SANDWICHES
and “DihydroX” was thrown on! Senate reconvened at once to push
them both to revive them. Both investigation of this mush-
regained consciousness quickly,
and Dr. Brannock turned to Dr.
Cheek and said. “You know, I
believe we cart sue these fellows.
They Have misused our product
for a purpose which was not cov
ered in our advertising claims.”
With that statement Brannock
leaped to his feet, brandishing a
huge knife, and prepared to offer
resistance to the officers who
rooming scandal.
RACKETEERS HIT BACK
The government racketeers, con
fronted with the charges launched
by Walchell, hit back at the dis
tinguished news analyst by charg
ing that the underground journal
ist had been engaged in a secret
love affair with a night-club en
tertainer who is well known to
O’Kelly Street frequenters. They
sought to arrest him and Cheek charged that this affair had caused
for fraud. However. Sal Gero,WalcheIl’s wife, the former Count- ,
and Jimmy Chandler, husky Elon,ess Shapman, FFV, DAR. to flee'city. This investigation has been
ping-pong stars, rushed in and to Reno, where she has sued for |stalled temporarily since the mys
divorce. In this divorce suit;terious disappearance of Levine.
Greensboro Highway, which ended
when his car skidded and uproot
ed three telephone poles, after a
shot from the gun of “Deadshot
Dave” Crowie punctured the left
rear tire of the fleeing gang boss
Euliss is now in Alamance General
Hospital, and the local chapter of
the Double Cross has appealed for
four quarts of blood, Type H20.
SKUNK COATS SMELL
John G. Truitt, student body
treasurer, has also been subpoe
naed by the Senate Investigating
Committee. folSowlng a rumor
that he recently ordered 400 skunk
coats from Levine. Levine, Levine
and Levine. Inc., of New ’York
Gypsy Klayton’s Kampus Kut-Up
Klub.
An audit of Max Drake’s door
receipts and ticket distributions
has revealed that his office cleared
$10,000 since Christmas in illegal
distribution of chapel cards and
church slips through black market
operations, which appear to hare
centered in Keaton’s Book Store.
Keaton’s place has long been
Elon’s only licensed “bookie,” and
students have rushed there daily
after lunch to beat the 1 o’clock,
deadline for the afternoon races.
Keaton’s place is closed, pending
outcome of the investigation.
As the MORONS AND GHOULS
go to press, late dispatches reveal
that Chief Justice Etheridge has
requested additional employees'
from Guilford College for his
Elon Bureau of Investigation, since
check-up reveals that several
former loyal EBI agents may be
guilty of treason. Etheridge de
clared today that his only faithful
helper is David Crowie. who is
holding down the front with a keen
and observing eye at Gypsy Klay
ton’s Klub down on O’Kelly Street.
HOPPY TAKES OVER
(Continued From Page Onel I
declared as he called the moratj
ium on study.
Unofficial reports from thes
gotiations between Dictator Hop;j
and members of the college i
ministration indicated that
camps were a sort of armed t
over certain disputed points, i
both sides may have to yield c
tain of their cherished aims i
desires.
The negotiations have been I
in a specially built pent-iia
apartment atop the 72-story (
Lodge Apartments, and menil*
of both dictatorial and administ
tive groups thought they were s
from the prying ears of the I|
derground Press,
How wrong they were was p
en when “Dink” Underhill revs]
led in his radio newscast
morning that the administraJ
is insisting on the abolition j
chapel program along with
daily classes. However. Dicta'l
Hoppy has insisted on extenij
of that program to include dll
gatherings. Last reports indici'^
a complete deadlock.
TROLLINGER^S
FLORISTS
FLOWERS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Special Rates To Students
Phone: Day—6-1668
Night—6-9057
Burlinston
Main I
subdued the raging
prof before he could
blade.
use his,she is advised by her faithful law-[The New York fur dealer has been
yers. Rud Saddler, Muggsy Gib-;missing since the EBI raided
PL
Mc(3REG0R SPORTSWEAR
CURRIN & HAY
\ Men's and Students' Wcor
Burlington
BOSTONIAN SHOES
ensure,
the sovereign
oj Jiumankind
Alexander Pop^
January and May
To quiet ihmking or quick action,
ice-cold Coca-Cola brings the
pleasure of real refreshment.
SWIFT CLEANERS
Elon College
Minor Alterations—FREE
2-Hour Service — Upon Request|
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Souvenirs Dancing
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Elon College, N. C.
Burlington Born » Bur!-rAton Ow^ed . Eailington Mai«e4