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December, 1991
The Broncos' Voice Page 11
AND YOU THOUGHT WE FORGOT.
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While planning the Clarence Thomas section of this issue, I began 'to think about the similarities between Thomas
and the current (and salaried) SGA president, Wallace Hollywood Haywood. Both have the ability to raise a fervor
and then back away from answering any specific questions....call it selective amnesia with a touch of cowardice.
Also, like Thomas using 'electronic lynching as a smokescreen to ward off questions about sexual harassment,
Hollywood has used 'defamation of character , 'slander' and counter-allegations as a smokescreen to ward off
questions concerning his dealings with Xavier Black Enterprise. I dreamt of the "Hollywood Hearings" only to wake
up and realize that nothing substantial is or will be done to determine the validity of the allegations or the
truthfulness of Hollywood's responses. When serious attempts to seek the truth are blocked by lies, smokescreens
and procrastination dog ’em with satire....go for the jugular!
*THIS IS A PARODY.
parody n., a literary work that
imitates another work,
exaggerating the characteristics
of the original to make it seem
ridiculous. (Webster’s)
Take it as seriously as you take
the allegations or as seriously
as you take Hollywood!
I
Just when you thought the
Thomas Hearings were
enough....THEN CAME
THE HOLLYWOOD
HEARINGS*
a parody by Barbara Beebe with
illustrations by Stephen Charles
starring: Hollywood Haywood, Dr.
Harry Ghee, the Senate Committee, FSU
Student Body
Hollywood Haywood, current
president of SGA, is up before the
Senate Investigative Committee to
answer questions concerning allegations
levied by Dr. Harry Ghee. Ghee states
that I month ago (30 whole days)
Haywood attempted to fraudulently
obtain $12,990 from the university to
promote a concert for FSU's
homecoming.
SENATE LEADER: All right now...
ORDER, ORDER!!!
FSU MALE STUDENT #1:
(interrupting with a smirk) O.K. I’ll
have one Big Mac, a large fry and...
FSU STUDENT BODY: (giggles,
laughs, guffaws)
FSU SENATE MEMBER #1; (in valley
girl dialect) God, I can’t believe people
are sooooo immature. I’ve only been
freshman class president for 2 months,
but even I know this isn’t McDonald’s.
God.
HOLLYWOOD: (storming into the
hearing) Let’s get this ball roUing....rve
got a class to go
to...physics...calculus...you know I’m a
poor student!
SENATE MEMBER #2: Well, you’re
not guilty, Hollywood, until proven
guilty. Everybody needs to remember
that. There’s no proof against you. It’s
quite normal for the SGA president to
have his name listed with the phone
number and address of a non-existent
promotor. Don’t worry.
SENATE LEADER: Dr. Ghee, please
sit at the table beside Mr. Haywood.
HOLLYWOOD: I ain’t sitting beside
him...I don’t trust you. Dr. Ghee. By the
way, what’s your phone number?
FSU FEMALE STUDENT #2: (jumping
up in (he audience) I want my $2.00
back from the pre-dawn dance!
FSU FEMALE STUDENT #3: (with
much neck movement) Oh shut up girl!
You won’t eeeeeeeven there!
HOLLYWOOD: I ain’t into this formal
stuff. I hate be forced to speak with
verbs in right tense. Where’s that
paper...It ain’t even a paper... now a real
journalist is that white man in the comer
who works for the Times. He only
quotes me. That’s a real journalist!
SENATE MEMBER #3: Mr. Haywood,
why are you listed on the post office
box for Xavier Black Enterprise?
HOLLYWOOD; That’s a
mistake...uhhh..I can explain that. It’s
simple.
SENATE MEMBER #3: Well....What?
HOLLYWOOD: Well, I did some
checking around... You know, I got
friends in ’high’ places. I found out that
you flunked 5th grade!!
FSU STUDENT BODY: (general
mayhem ensues)
FSU FEMALE STUDENT #4: (jumps
up in the audience, hands on hips)
What!!?? Flunked 5th grade and on the
Senate Investigative Committee? Stop
picking on Hollywood. We have a right
to know why you flunked 5th grade.
The AKAs have a right to know why
you flunked. The pink and green will
find out!
SENATE MEMBER #3: What does that
have to do with this investigation?
HOLLYWOOD: Everything....this is
defamation of character...assassination.
You’re trying to ruin my star-studded
name. (Looking to the audience) You
know. I’m just a poor college student.
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SENATE LEADER; (irate and
frustrated)
PLEASE!!!!....ORDER Hollywood,
shut up...damn!
DEXTER MCRAE; (standing behind
Hollywood like a guard or a puppy)
Well, the only reason Hollywood w.hs
doing my job is because he had nothing
to do. I mean...he had more expertise on
these matters. I have no expertise...I
mean...I gotta go.
FSU FEMALE STUDENT #5: (jumps
up in the audience) You should have
seen all ’dem people at the dance. They
didn’t even go to school here. I want
my $2.00!!
FSU FEMALE STUDENT #6; (crawls
up to microphone) Dr. Ghee, I don’t
know anything about how things at FSU
operate. As a matter of fact, I don’t
even know where your office is. The
only thing I read in the paper was this
article on Hollywood, but I just know
you’re not doing enough for the
students.
FSU FEMALE STUDENT #7; (with
tone of authority) I’ve got Hollywood’s
criminal record...actually I saw it at the
Sheriff’s Department. I accuse him of
animal torture, sexism and general
disrespect for humanity. If you go down
to the sheriff’s department you can see
for yourself. So there!!
FSU MALE STUDENT #8: (in slow,
sad voice) I really wanted to see Guy.
I’m from Beantown and Hollywood is
the only famous person I know.
SENATE LEADER: (trying to pull out
his hair and realizing he has none) One
more outburst and we’ll clear this room.
Now this is about allegations against
Mr.. Black...1 mean Mr. .Haywood here.
SENATE MEMBER #1: Your name
was listed on the VoiceMail number.
How do you explain that Mr. Haywood?
HOLLYWOOD; Where’s that letter
from the phone company? (looks for
Dexter McRae) This is a conspiracy!
I’m just a poor college student and my
grandpa (Hollywood realizes this is
someone else'splea, grins like Clarence
Thomas) All I wanted to do as SGA
president was give FSU students a
slammin’, boom, high-five homecoming.
And that’s all I wanted to do...I didn’t
ask to be responsible or accountable. If
I had $70,000, I’d buy my way out of
this mess....As for the phone number, I
simply intercepted some phone calls. I
did that ’cause I don’t u^ust nobody....not
even myself.
SENATE MEMBER #2: This man is
innocent until proven guilty. Dr. Ghee
obviously got his information from the
Exorcist See here, on page 212, there is
a description of a promotor with a
VoiceMail box. Dr. Ghee, are you prone
to fantasies?
GHEE: This is ridiculous....I just want
to make it clear...
HOLLYWOOD; Defamation of
character (grabs chest like he's just
been shot) ASSASSINATION! Dr. Ghee
was fired from McDonald’s in 1964
for....
FSU FEMALE STUDENT #9: (jumping
up in amazement) FIRED FROM
MCDONALD’S AND VICE
CHANCELLOR???!!!! (sadly) This is
so unfair to Hollywood.
..To be continued when the student
body is absorbed in other issues.