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! ! ! Mad Humour ! ! !
23 Ways to Confuse
1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and
protest anytime your roommate eats
meat. Then leave “Slim Jim,, wrap
pers on the floor and lie on the bed
holding your stomach everytime your
roommate walks in. If he/she asks
about the wrappers, say you know
nothing about them.
2. Get some hair. Disperse it around
your roommate’s head while he/she
is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by
your bed. Snicker at your roommate
3. Every time your roommate walks
in yell, “Hooray! You’re back!,, as
loud as you can and dance around the
room for five minutes. Afterwards,
keep looking at your watch and say
ing, “Shouldn’t you be going some
4. Trash the room when your
roommate’s not around. Then leave
and wait for your roommate to come
back. When he/she does, walk in and
act surprised. Say, “Uh-oh, it looks
like, THEY, were here again.,,
5. Every time you see your roommate
yell, “You son of a...„ and kick him/
her in the stomach. Then buy him/her
some ice cream.
6. Set your roommate’s bed on fire.
Apologize and explain that you’ve
been watching too much “Beavis &
Butthead.,, Do it again. Tell him/her
that you’re not sorry because this time,
they deserved it.
7. Put your glasses on before you go
to bed. Take them off as soon as you
wake up. If your roommate asks, ex
plain that they are Magic Dream
Glasses. Complain that you’ve been
having terrible nightmares.
Eat the straw and the
napkin. Throw every-
thing else away.
8. Eat lots of “Lucky Charms.,, Pick
out all the yellow moons and stock
pile them in the closet. If your room
mate inquires, explain that visitors are
coming, but you can’t say anything
more, or you’ll have to face the con
9. Set up meetings with your
roommate’s faculty advisor. Inquire
about his/her academic potential.
Take lots of notes, and then give your
roommate a full report. Insist that he/
she do the same.
10. “Drink,, a raw egg for breakfast
every morning. Explain that you are
in training. Eat a dozen donuts every
11. Every Thursday, pack up every
thing you own and tell your roommate
you’re going home. Come back in an
hour and explain that no one was
home. Unpack everything and go to
12. Every time you wake up, start yell
ing, “Oh, my God! Where the hell
am I?!„ and run around the room for a
few minutes. Then go back to bed. If
your roommate asks, say you don’t
know what he/she is talking about.
13. Draw a tiny, black spot on your
arm. Make it bigger every day. Look
at it and say, “It’s spreading, it’s
14. Buy a McDonald’s “Happy Meal,,
for lunch every day. Eat the straw
and the napkin. Throw everything else
15. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night.
Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to
argue with it loudly. Then yell, “I can’t
live in the same room with you,,, storm
out of the room and slam the door.
Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot.
Refiase to discuss the plant ever again.
16. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every
day, turn the handle until the clown
pops out. Scream continuously for
17. Hang up pictures of chickens all
over the room. If your roommate eats
eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her
18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them
every night. While you’re doing so,
look at your roommate and mutter,
19. Lock the door while your room
mate is out. When he/she comes back
and tries to unlock it, yell, “Don’t come
in. I’m naked!,. Keep this up for sev
eral hours. When you finally let your
roommate in, immediately take off all
of your clothes, and ignore your room
20. Bring in potential “new,, room
mates fi-om around campus. Give them
tours of the room and the building.
Have them ask about your roommate
in front of him/her, and reply, “Oh,
him/her? He/she won’t be here much
21. If your roommate comes home af
ter midnight, hit him/her on the head
with a rolling pin. Immediately go to
bed, muttering, “Ungrateful little...,,
22. Change the locks on the door.
Don’t let your roommate in unless
he/she says the secret word. Change
the secret word often. If your room
mate can’t guess the secret word, make
him/her pay a tithe.
23. Scatter stuffed animals around the
room. Put party hats on them. Play
loud music. When your roommate
walks in, turn off the music, take off
the party hats, put away the stuffed
animals, and say, “Well, it was fun
while it lasted.,.
GRAMMAR RULES FOR THE UNENLIGHTENED OR HOW TO WRITE GOOD
Don’t use no double negatives.
Don’t never use no triple negatives.
No sentence fragments
Corollary: Complete sentences: important.
Stamp out and eliminate redundancy.
Avoid cliches like the plague.
All generalizations are bad.
Corollary: All statements must be specific.
Take care that your verb and subject is in agreement.
A preposition is a bad thing to end a sentence with.
Down with categorical imperatives.
Avoid those run-on sentences that just go on, and on, and on, they never stop,
they just keep rambling, and you really wish the person would just shut up, but
no, they just keep going, they’re worse than the Energizer Bunny, they babble
incessantly, and these sentences, they just never stop, they go on forever...if
you get my drift...
Never contradict yourself always.
When dangling, watch your participles.
Never go off on tangents, which are lines that intersect a curve at only one
point and were discovered by Euclid, who lived in the sixth century, which was
an era dominated by the Goths, who lived in what we now know as Poland...
Excessive use of exclamation points can be disastrous!!!!!
Remember to end each sentence with a period
Don’t use commas, which aren’t necessary.
Don’t use question marks inappropriately?
Don’t obfuscate your theses with extraneous verbiage.
Never use that totally cool, radically groovy out-of-date slang.
Avoid tumbling off the cliff of triteness into the black abyss of overused meta
Avoid any awf\il anachronistic aggravating antediluvian