Humphreq 5ogart
Courtesu or ia.medic
Peter Lorre & 5ogart
Peter Lorre courtesy of
onginaloldradio.com
isode
photo ^ Anna Rhodes
Casablanca, it’s an old black
and white, but it’s one of
the most iconic and most
parodied films EVER. The
film depicts the attempt of
many European refugees
to escape the horror of the
beginning of the Nazi regime
and WWII to the freedom of
America, via Casablanca, in
French Morocco, in North
Africa. Casablanca, howev
er, is a tangled web of power
and deceitful relationships,
and is not as easy to escape
as they had hoped, espe
cially with Germans swarm
ing and patrolling the streets.
Humphrey Bogart plays
Rick-an American expatriate
jaded and hardened to a fine,
calloused edge of grouch.
He has the power to help
refugees out of Casablanca
to the promise land, but it
comes at a hefty price and
as Bogey says, “I don’t stick
my neck out for nobody.”
Early in the film we are intro
duced to Peter Lorre, who
is looking to Bogey boy to
escape Casablanca and
the Nazis. Now, why is Pe
ter Lorre in this film since
he usually plays a horror
sidekick? I am certain that is
floating about in your head...
But, the Nazis storm into
the club to arrest Lorre who
asks to cash in his poker
winnings before they take
him to prison ...[Face palm]
and they let him. Okay, se
riously movie? THESE are
our villains? Obvious ploy
of escape is OBVIOUS.
Oh sure, we’re tyrannical
Fascists but we’re not mon
sters. We only slaughtered
fifty million Jews, but you
go on ahead and get your
money; we wouldn’t dream
of depriving you of five hun
dred clams you won in a
rigged game. [Laughs be
tween gritted teeth] REALLY
MOVIE?! If the REAL Nazis
were this stupid, then it’s no
wonder they lost the war
[Sighs] Lorre fakes out the
Nazis, and dashes for the
door-darting through it and
securing it momentarily be
hind him before the soldiers
break through, see him
running down the external
street and shoot him. So,
the second most recogniz
able character in the film,
Lorre, was killed off in the
first half of the film? [Sneers
while breathing heavy]
Then the Capt. Louis Re
nault, chief of police, played
by Claude Rains, approach
es Bogart, who is supposed
to be the hero, but is more
like a selfish, self-loathing
profiteer who won’t help
a guy escape the Nazis.
Congratulations, Bogey Boy!
Now the chief of police, Re
nault, [Chuckles] looks like
the guy who played the Pink
Panther. But the Inspector
Clouseau clone is for realzy-
realz my favorite charac
ter in this pseudo-noir flick.
Renault plays it both sides:
aiding Nazis by turning in
freedom fighters who are
staunchly in opposition to da
Fuehrer...and this is where
the double agent falls flat.
Rains is not shy about giv
ing the proverbial bird be
hind the Reich’s back and
dolling out golden tickets to
Uncle Sam’s Magical Mys
tery Tour of Freedom, but
firmly barks when von Nazi
Commandant says ‘Bark’.
So, Bogey (being the True
Neutral gitbag that he is)
and Rains are...friends?
Shortly thereafter, Ingrid
Bergman dulls her way into
the club along with her plot
convenience of a husband
Victor Laszio (Paul Henreid).
Laszio will be played by a
2x4 for this film, since Hen-
reid’s acting is...wooden.
[Crickets] Disgruntled Au
dience Member #357: You
suck! For surrious though,
Henreid is to Casablanca as
an accelerator is to a Volvo:
he serves to move the plot
along, but has very little to
actually do with it besides
be really, reeeeeeally dull,
which brings me to... Ms.
Dull and the 2x4 walk into the
club...Geez, this is sounding
like the opening to a Rodney
Dangerfield joke. What’s
next, finishing it up with ‘No
respect. No respect at all.’?
Sam, literally the only black
guy in the movie (wish I
were making that up), is giv
ing the club just a hint more
class than it would ordinarily
have-what with Nazis, angry
Frenchmen and freedom
fighters cluttering it up as
Dull and the stiff take a seat
at a table. Bergman takes
notice of Bogey and asks
the waiter to behest Sam to
play her and Bogey’s song
(As Time Goes By) from
years before. Sam doesn’t
want to (Bogey explicitly
telling him to never play it)
but he does anyway while
Bergman waxes nostalgic.
Suddenly Bogey! Yes, the
mood killer of the mov
ie comes by and asks
Sam to stop playing while
Rains is looking on from the
nearby bar. So, Bogey and
Laszio, the 2x4 have a heart
to heart. Boardo the Bar
barian begging Bogey for a
pass out of Casablanca...
Wait...This seems familiar.
[Rewinds to the exact same
scenario with Peter Lorre]
DUDE! He’s not gonna give
you the pass! All he’s gonna
do is tell you to knob off and
then the Nazis are gonna
shoot you; there ain’t enough
pathos for us to care about
your plight, so just go ahead
and shoot him Reich boys.
So, [Sighs] Laszio is a free
dom fighter. Kinda like Robin
Hood, only instead of steal
ing from the rich to give to
the poor, he fights Nazis.
Lazio wants to get he and
Lisa out of Casablanca, be
cause (oh yeah) that whole
he being a rebel kinda thing.
However, Laszlo’s Billy Idol
kinda put him in the cross
hairs of death...in the mid
night hour, but instead of
crying more, more, more
Lazio, lisa is falling in love...
again with Rick (Bogey).
Now, if this were remade...
Coming this Summer: Ja
son Statham is... Laszio!
With A1 Pacino as Rick
and January Jones as lisa.
You’re welcome, Hollywood.
8 Ingrid 5uergman &
Bogart